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President George W. Bush.....Will Ferrell
[ open on Presidential Seal ] Announcer: And now, a Message from the President of the United States. [ dissolve to interior, Oval Office ] President George W. Bush: Good evening, America. I'm President George W. Bush. Who's your Daddy? It has now been three weeks since I took the Oath of Office and began my term as your 43rd President. In that time, I have made many accomplishments that I am proud to have accomplished in that time. Accomplishment #1: I removed former President William Jefferson Clinton from the White House. No small feat, considering it took two of those three weeks for me and my administration to get rid of him. But we were finally able to accomplish this task by telling him there was a prostitute in Lafayette Park who was looking for him. As far as we know, he's still out there. Accomplishment #2: [ holds up calendar ] My wife, Laura, bought me one of these Word-A-Day calendars for Christmas, where each day you learn a new word and use it throughout the day. By the end of the year, I will have learned over 200 new words. Words such as: "accomplishment", "perpendicular", and "thermonuclear". The words are easy. It's trying to put 'em in a sentence that's making me crazy! Accomplishment #3: [ raises leg, props foot onto desk ] Richard Ashcroft taught me how to tie my shoes. Until now, I've just been tucking the laces into my shoes behind my heels, which was giving me serious calluses! By the way, that's another new word I learned - "callus". Laura says it sounds better than calling it a "pus pocket". At any rate, I'm very proud of myself for finally learning how to tie my own shoes, and I think that deserves a drink. [ opens desk drawer and pulls out bottle of whiskey, his leg still propped on the desk ] My Daddy gave me this bottle of whiskey as an Inoggeration present. [ pours glass, chugs quickly and winces ] Wow! That stuff's mean! [ puts bottle away, returns leg to the floor ] Accomplishment #4: I've almost figured out my way through the White House. I've mastered the first and third floors, but I'm still working on the second. Actually, as much as I know the third-floor floor plan by heart, I've forgotten where I left the elevator. As soon as I find it, I'm gonna venture on down to the second floor and start exploring. If I don't find that elevator soon, I'm gonna use this red phone to dial Emergency and ask them where it's at. Moving on to Accomplishment #5. This one's not so much an Accomplishment as it is a Work in Progress. I've got an idea for a way to rid Vice-President Cheney of his heart problems, by having his heart replaced with one belonging to a healthy six-year-old girl. The problem with this plan is that we're having a difficult time finding a six-year-old girl who's willing to cooperate and become a heart donor for the Vice-President. Every little girl we've approached has proceeded to cry, then babble something about wanting to live to see her 11th birthday. So we've encountered some gridlock on that one. Our next approach will be to bribe some little girl out of her heart with a bag full of candy. If that doesn't work, then we may have to bid farewell to Vice-President Cheney. Finally tonight, for my most recent accomplishment, I have the prestigious honor of being the second living president in my family to look into the eyes of America, and say, "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!" Rate or review this sketch. |
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