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Mary Fiore.....Jennifer Lopez Alec Baldwin.....himself Kim Basinger.....Tina Fey Photographer.....Chris Parnell [ open on interior, Mary Fiore's office ] [ phone rings ] Mary Fiore: [ picks up ] Mary Fiore, Divorce Planner, how may I help you? Yes, Sir, Mr. Cruise, how's the trial separation holding up? Your wife finally filed for divorce? I'm sorry to hear that, Sir. My condolences, but I'll help make the divorce proceedings as pleasnt as possible. Can you and your soon-to-be celebrity ex-wife stop by my office tomorrow morning at 9 a.m.? Terrific! [ a knock is heard at her office door ] Whoops! That sounds like my two o'clock appointment at the door. Yes, I'll see you tomorrow morning, Mr. Cruise. Bye bye! [ stands up to answer office door ] Mr. and Mrs. Baldwin, come in. [ Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger enter ] Kim Basinger: He's Baldwin! I'm Basinger! Mary Fiore: Oh. So, you didn't take his name when you were married? Kim Basinger: The only thing I ever took from him was a lot of grief and verbal abuse! Alec Baldwin: That's a load of crap! I gave this woman the best years of my life! Kim Basinger: No you didn't! The best years of your life were before we got married - between 1989 and 1991, when you were making decent movies! All you've ever given me were the last seven years of your life - when you weren't doing anything memorable. Alec Baldwin: Now take that back! I had a good career. Kim Basinger: Well, you did, but what the hell happened to it? Alec Baldwin: You killed it! Mary Fiore: Alright, calm down, you two, and listen to me! I'm not a doctor, and I'm not a counselor. I'm not trained to save marriages that are falling apart. All I do is ease the transition between marriage and divorce, by helping you plan a gala event to announce this difficult time in your lives. You've already decided to end the marriage, so there's no need to continue fighting. Alright? Kim Basinger: Alright. [ removes her coat, hangs it on a coat rack ] Alec Baldwin: I'm sorry, Miss Fiore. I guess we've been divorced, emotionally, for about a year or so. That's about how long I've been sleeping in the garage. It's not so bad - it's carpeted, it has its own king-sized bed, sauna, and exercise equipment. But still, I miss the luxury of sleeping upstairs. I suppose we all have our crosses to bear, don't we? Kim Basinger: He certainly does. Especially when you consider that the highlight of my career was winning an Oscar, and the highlight of his career was molesting Adam Sandler. Alec Baldwin: You take that back! Kim Basinger: No! Mary Fiore: Alec, Kim, let's put our differences aside. Let's not talk about the past, okay? Let's make an effort to plan this divorce better than you planned your marriage. Now, who would you like to invite to your divorce ceremony? Friends? Family? Kim Basinger: [ whining ] Oh, great - I'm going to have to see those idiot brothers of his again. Alec Baldwin: They are not idiots. Kim Basinger: Then why can't they find places of their own? Why are they living with us? Alec Baldwin: So they're not as successful as me! In the grand scheme of things, is that really a crime? Mary Fiore: [ interrupting ] Look, maybe we could discuss photographers, or.. Alec Baldwin: [ pointing an angry finger at Mary ] No photographers! Do you hear me? If any members of the paparazzi show up at my divorce ceremony, I will break their noses, I swear! I don't care how big a fine they slap on me, I will hurt them bad! Kim Basinger: [ mumbling to herself ] After seven years of marriage, he still hasn't overcome his anger issues. Do you know what it's like to be involved with someone this angry, Miss Fiore? Mary Fiore: As a matter of fact.. I do. Kim Basinger: Oh? Mary Fiore: Yes. My last boyfriend was a wannabe rapper. He used to drag me to local karaoke clubs to hear him sing horrible rap versions of famous songs. Because of him, I cringe every time I hear Led Zeppelin on the radio. It makes me sick.. Kim Basinger: I know what you mean. I get sick every time I think of the way Alec has treated me. Sometimes he makes me so sick, I can't eat! Alec Baldwin: Well, how much have you eaten recently? I'll tell you. Nothing but tofu! Kim Basinger: Well, at least I keep my weight down! Alec Baldwin: [ steamed ] Why, you little.. [ controlling himself, changing subject ] You said your ex-boyfriend likes rap, Mary? Mary Fiore: Yes, I did, Alec. Alec Baldwin: I like a little rap music myself. Especially Eminem, and that song he wrote for his wife. I'm sure he feels the same way about his Kim as I do for mine. Kim Basinger: [ grabbing her coat ] That's it! I'm out of here! I'll see you in court, Alec. [ turns around, as a rumbling sound is heard in the distance ] What's that sound? Mary Fiore: I don't know.. It sounds like a freight train.. Alec Baldwin: [ peering out window ] It's not a freight train! It's a dumpster! And it's heading this way! Look out, Mary! [ Alec leaps across the office, pushing Mary away from the window as the runaway dumpster comes crashing through. Mary's life is saved, but the dumpster strikes Kim instead, knocking her out cold. ] Mary Fiore: [ shaken ] Alec. You saved my life.. Alec Baldwin: [ putting his arms around her ] Yes, I did, Mary. [ a Photographer leans through the broken office window ] Photographer: This is an exclusive! Actor Alec Baldwin just saved the life of a local Divorce Planner, letting his own wife Kim Basinger die at his feet! This is gold! [ snaps picture ] Alec Baldwin: [ enraged, turns around and apprehends Photographer ] You little PUNK! Give me that film! GIVE ME THAT FILM!! Photographer: [ a little scared ] Get your hands off me, Mr. Baldwin! Alec Baldwin: GIVE ME THAT FILM!! [ punches Photographer in the nose, knocking him out cold. Mary gives Alec a slightly dirty look for his behavior. ] I'm sorry about that, Mary.. lucky punch. Can you find it in your heart to.. forgive me? Mary Fiore: [ shakes her head yes ] Alec Baldwin: [ approaches Mary with open arms ] Things will be different this time. You'll see. Things will be different. Much different. [ camera pans out as scene closes on Alec's empty promise ] Rate or review this sketch. |
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