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Ashley.....Jennifer Lopez Eugene.....Chris Parnell Lucinda.....Rachel Dratch [ open on Eugene sitting on a park bench feeding the pigeons ] Ashley: [ walking past ] Is anyone sitting here? Eugene: Uh.. no.. Feel free. Ashley: Thanks. [ sits ] My name's Ashley. Eugene: [ shakes her hand ] Eugene. Ashley: Sure is a nice day to be out in the park. Eugene: It sure is. Ashley: You can meet all kinds of people out here. Eugene: [ polite laugh ] Yeah. Ashley: [ pause ] Is there something wrong with you? Eugene: [ confused ] I don't think so. Why - do I project that aura? Ashley: I don't know. It's just, I've been sitting here for two minutes, and you haven't hit on me yet. Eugene: [ more confused ] I'm sorry.. Was I supposed to? Ashley: No.. but everywhere I go, men are always trying to hit on me. They're constantly staring at my body, or looking for ways to get their hands on me. Eugene: Well.. I just came here to feed the pigeons. [ throws more crumbs to the ground ] Ashley: You're married, aren't you? Eugene: No-o-o.. I'm single. Ashley: Then, you're gay. Eugene: [ angry ] No, I am not gay! Why would you say that! Ashley: Because you haven't stared at my body once since I sat down next to you! Eugene: Well, I happen to pride myself on being more of a gentleman than that. I've spent years training myself in the art of being a perfect gentleman! Ashley: I see. Eugene: Did you know that I narrowed this art down so precisely, that it only takes three simple steps to become a perfect gentleman? Ashley: No, I didn't know that. Tell me, Eugene, what are your three steps to success? Eugene: Well, Ashley, I'll be happy to tell you. Rule #1: Always stare into a woman's eyes when talking to her. See? [ demonstrates, staring into her eyes ] Notice how I'm making eye contact as we talk? That I'm not staring at your.. [ lowers his eyes to become level with her breasts, doesn't look back up right away ] uh.. Ashley: My breasts? Eugene: [ returns his gaze to her eyes ] Uh.. right. Right. Eye contact is much more appropos. Ashley: Mmm-hmm. [ nods ] Eugene: Rule #2: [ accidentally glances downward again ] Do others as you would have them do you. [ lifts eyes up ] Uh.. I mean.. I mean.. treat others as you would like them.. to treat you. [ starts to blush ] Ashley: I've always felt that way, too. Eugene: Yeah, well see.. people want to be treated with respect! Not as objects of.. [ stares at her breasts again ] of.. of lust.. Ashley: I totally agree with you. Eugene: [ rubbing his brow nervously ] Is it just me, or is it getting hot out here? Ashley: What's Rule #3? Eugene: Rule #3? Uh.. [ thinking ] ..gosh.. I wish I could remember.. Ashley: [ touches Eugene's hand ] Eugene, you don't have to be nervous around me. Eugene: I'm sorry, but I am. You're making me more than a little uncomfortable. Ashley: Well, don't be. Look, why don't we go across the street for a cup of coffee, alright? Eugene: [ struggling with himself to regain his composure ] No. I'm sorry, Ashley, but you're a very attractive woman, and I just don't think I'll be able to control myself in your presence. Ashley: It's alright, Eugene. I won't mind if you get a little out of control. You're a really nice guy, and I feel that I can trust you. Eugene: That's nice of you to say, but I don't want to risk destroying my image as a perfect gentleman. I'm sorry. Ashley: Well, I can appreciate your honesty, Eugene. I guess this is goodbye, then. Eugene: Goodbye, Ashley. Ashley: Goodbye, Eugene. [ she stands up, and walks across the street ] [ Eugene sighs, wondering if he made the right decision, as cross-eyed, pug-nosed, flat-chested Lucinda walks up to him ] Lucinda: Is anyone sitting here? Eugene: Uh.. no.. no one. Lucinda: Great! [ sits ] My name's Lucinda! Eugene: Mine's Eugene. That's an unusual name you have. Lucinda: Tell me about it! My parents couldn't decide whether they wanted to call me Lucy or Linda, so they split the difference! Personally, I would have preferred Lindy over Lucinda! Eugene: I don't see much difference.. [ sniffing the air ] Lucinda: Oh, that's me! I smell a little rank because I've been jogging through the park all morning. You can't run anywhere in this park without stepping in a little dog crap! Eugene: [ chuckling ] Well, you are a piece of work, aren't you? Lucinda: Ah, it's no big deal. I'm having my feet scraped first thing Monday morning, anyway! Eugene: [ thinking ] Uh.. Lucinda, do you like coffee? Lucinda: Are you kidding! I love coffee! Eugene: Would you like to join me for a cup of coffee across the street? I assure you, my intentions are honorable. After all, I am a perfect gentleman. Lucinda: What do I care! In my condition, I'd be happy to get laid by anyone! Eugene: Well, perhaps after we've had our coffee. In this case, I don't think it would compromise my principles.. much. Lucinda: [ giggling ] Sure is a nice day to be out in the park. Eugene: It sure is, Lucinda. It sure is. [ fade to black, as they walk to the coffee shop ] Rate or review this sketch. |
