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Officer Harris.....Will Ferrell Cindy the Counter Girl.....Rachel Dratch Rape Victim.....Jennifer Lopez Officer Wilson.....Darrell Hammond Officer Samuels.....Jerry Minor [ Music Intro: "Bad Boys" ] [ fade into title card: "OFF-DUTY COPS" ] Announcer: From the producers of "COPS", it's "OFF-DUTY COPS", the show that follows cops around to find out what they do after hours, and the people they hang around with when they're not on the clock. [ open on rear shot, Officer Harris driving police car ] Officer Harris: Let me tell ya', it's been a busy day for me. I've spent the last 12 hours dealing with drug dealers, prostitutes and abusive spouses. But now it's over, at least for another night. I don't return to duty for another 12 hours, and I could use some sleep.. But first I'm headed to a nearby donut shop to grab me a couple krullers and a cup of coffee. You're welcome to join me. I shouldn't be there too long. [ cut to coffee shop, interior. Denizens turn their heads as Officer Harris enters ] Cindy the Counter Girl: How's it going, Officer Harris? Would you like a fresh cup of coffee? Officer Harris: Damn right, let me have it! And a couple krullers, too. It's been a long night. Too long! Cindy the Counter Girl: [ she hands him his coffee ] Been dealing with the usual lowlife again tonight? Officer Harris: The worse bunch all week, lemme tell ya'. First, I broke up a fistfight between a prostitute and her pimp, because she felt he was cheating her out of some money she earned. I took 'em both to jail! Then I went on an undercover drug bust and found the Mayor's wife purchasing drugs in an alley - but that's a secret! Cindy the Counter Girl: Wow.. sounds like you had a rough night. Here, let me freshen up that coffee.. [ refills cup ] Officer Harris: Thanks, Cindy, you're the best! [ cue Rape Victim stumbling into coffee shop - her clothes are torn, she's missing a shoe, and she has a black eye and a scratch on her face. ] Rape Victim: I saw a cop car outside.. Is there a cop in here..? [ spots Officer Harris ] Please, Officer.. you've got to help me. I was just raped.. down the street! It was awful! He jumped me right in front of the shoe store on the next block.. then raped and beat me. I don't think he's gotten far yet.. Please.. you've got to go after him! Officer Harris: [ chewing donut, barely looking up ] Ma'am, I'd love to help you, I really would, but I'm off-duty. My shift has ended, and I'm tired. I'll be back on duty in eleven-and-a-half hours. Rape Victim: But you're here! And he's out there! You've got to help me! Cindy the Counter Girl: Hey, you heard what he said! He's off the clock! This is his time now! Rape Victim: But I was raped..! Officer Harris: I'm sorry, ma'am, but the best I can do right now is to give you the number of the police station, then they can dispatch an on-duty officer over here to help you out. But it's just not possible for me to help you right now. Not until tomorrow afternoon when I'm back on the clock. I'm very sorry. Rape Victim: But I'm bleeding..! And I'm feeling nauseous..! How can you just sit here drinking coffee and let that psychopath run free..? Officer Harris: I'm sorry, you'll have to call the police station and have someone sent over. [ he grabs the phone and hands it to her. She reluctantly calls the station. ] Officer Wilson: [ enters the donut shop ] Hello, dough nuts! How y'all doin'? Cindy the Counter Girl: How about a kruller, Officer Wilson? Officer Wilson: Cindy, you read my mind! [ she fills his cup ] Officer Harris: Good to see you, Sir! Officer Wilson: You, too, Harris. At ease! Rape Victim: [ spotting Officer Wilson ] Oh, thank God..! Can you please help me..? I was just raped outside about fifteen minutes ago.. The guy who attacked me was headed south on Fourth Street.. He was six-feet-tall.. he was wearing a red-and-white striped shirt.. and he.. Officer Wilson: Excuse me, ma'am, I don't mean to interrupt, but I feel it's my duty to inform you that I'm on my break right now. And I'll be on break for another ten minutes, so if you could just wait, I'll be right with you. [ continues eating his kruller ] Rape Victim: Are you insane..?! A man just raped me.. and all you can think about is drinking coffee and eating dounts..?! Officer Wilson: Well, I am on break. Rape Victim: [ as though to herself ] Why won't anyone help me? Officer Harris: He'll be able to help you a lot sooner than I can, ma'am. I've still got.. let's see.. [ checks watch ] ..eleven hours and twenty-two minutes before I'm back on duty. I'm sure someone from the police station will be right along. Officer Wilson: Yes, if you called the police station, they'll send someone right over to help you. I promise [ holds up his cup ] Cindy? How about a refill? Officer Samuels: [enters coffeeshop ] Attention, everyone! Did someone in here call in a report about a rape, happened about twenty minutes ago? Rape Victim: Oh, thank God! Finally! [ approaches Officer Samuels ] It happened right in front of the shoe store on the next block.. He just jumped out from the alley, tackled me and tore my clothes to get what he wanted.. It was awful..! [ starts sobbing ] Officer Samuels: [ comforting her ] Okay, calm down, everything will be alright. Your ordeal is over. I'm here for you. Now, could you describe the man who attacked you? Rape Victim: Yes.. he was six-feet tall.. he was wearing a red-and-white striped shirt.. and he was wearing Reebok tennis shoes.. [ something beeps ] ..What's that..? Officer Samuels: Sounds like my watch. [ checks watch ] Hot dog! Lunch time! [ approaches counter ] Cindy, I'll take a cream cheese donut and a medium-sized cup of coffee. Rape Victim: [ stunned ] But what about me? Officer Samuels: Oh. I'm sorry. That was inconsiderate of me, wasn't it? [ points behind counter ] Would you like a donut, too? Pick any donut you want, it's on me. Rape Victim: I don't want a donut! I'm talking about my report! Officer Samuels: Oh. Well.. I get off lunch in thirty minutes. We'll pick up where we left off, okay? Rape Victim: [ screams in angst ] Officer Samuels: [ sits next to other officers ] So, you guys catch that ball game last night..? Officer Harris: Damn right I did! And that's what being an off-duty cop is all about.. [ dissolve to title card: "OFF-DUTY COPS" ] [ pot up Music Outro: "Bad Boys" ] [ fade to black ] Rate or review this sketch. |
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