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Spokesman/Train Conductor.....Tracy Morgan Junkie.....Jimmy Fallon Operator.....Maya Rudolph Marion Barry.....Jerry Minor [ open on a small town street corner ] [ Spokesman walks up to Junkie ] Spokesman: Let me aks you a question, country boy... when's the last time you smoked yourself some su-weeeet chronic, huh? Junkie: A long time ago, back in the day, maaaan... but there ain't none here in Tehachapi and it's driving me craaazy... Spokesman: Calm down, boyyy! I bet you got yourself some when you lived in the hood. Well, listen up, kid, I tell yous straight up, there's a way I can git 'chu back to the hood, and outta this cracka-town an' back to da goods, any sh** you want! Junkie: Dude, for real? How? Spokesman: It's called "AmCrak." Junkie: Cool! [ rap music beat in background; show video of AmCrak train, with bullet holes on side of train, and scenes as they are described ] Spokesman: We can git yo' ass to any hood you choose, our hotspots include... [ show picture of place as it is said ]... ... Oaktown, East L.A., Compton, South Central, Sac-Town, L.V., K.C., the 'Lou, Chicago, D-Troit, Harlem, da Bronx, da Village Projects, D.C., and Philly. First, if you dial 1-888-CHRONIC, you can hook up wit' our operators. Operator: [ picks up the phone ] What'chu want, dawg? Junkie (voice): Yeah, I'm looking to buy tickets to Washington, DC. Operator: Where you at now? Junkie (voice): Tehachapi, California. Operator: OK... what'chu into, playa? Speedballs, angel dust, E... Junkie (voice): Well, I prefer a few bricks of the best greens ya got. Operator: So you's tellin' me there ain't no skateboard parks in yo' hood? Junkie (voice): No, there ain't no goods here. Operator: I wit' that. So, a round trip to DC, the total be two hundred and fi'ty both ways. Junkie (voice): All right! Spokesperson: An' then when yous git on the train, you be partyin' till ya hallucinate on da special RaveCar caboose. An' in yo crib, there some gin-u-wine sh** yous can hit. Also, a written guide to da best hotspots in yo' destination. [ Junkie gets off of train, then looks at guide... ] Junkie: Hmm, Castle Avenue SW... Spokesman: An' then, you git yo goods, an' git yo ass back to crackaville! [ Show Junkie leaving down steps of Washington City Hall with a briefcase. A man runs after him. ] Marion Barry: Yo, G, you forgot one! [ hands the brick to Junkie ] An' if you wit' it, I hook you up wit' the best cocaine money can buy! [ holds up large Ziploc bag of white powder ] Junkie: Yes, this kicks ass! Thanks, Marion. [ looks in camera ] And a shoutout to AmCrak, y'all rule! Yaaah! Spokesman: So, what'chu waitin for, kid, you want da goods, come an' get it. Remember... hook up wit' AmCrak, an' we hook you up wit' da sh** you want! [ fade out ] Rate or review this sketch. |
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