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Larry.....Will Ferrell Heather.....Ana Gasteyer Brian.....Sean Hayes Arnie.....Horatio Sanz Doug.....Chris Parnell [ Larry and Heather, a couple, are arguing in Larry's apartment ] Larry: Heather, I just don't understand why you're so upset. Heather: Well, Larry, if you knew anything about how to empathize with someone else, you'd know exactly how I feel right now. Larry: Come on, Heather, you can't expect me to feel your pain. Can you? Heather: Why not? Everyone else has. Donnie felt my pain. Ricky felt my pain. Troy felt my pain. Hell, President Clinton felt my pain! On more than one occasion! I suggest you learn to do the same, or you're history, buddy! [ walks out and slams the door ] Larry: Oh, Lord, I can't lose Heather now! How can I.. Hey! [ picks up TV Guide, reads it ] Just my luck! Coming up on the Learning Channel, "How To Feel Their Pain!" [ cut to Larry on the couch, watching the special, which is just ending. ] Voice on TV: This has been "How To Feel Their Pain." Next week, on the Learning Channel, "How To Feel Their Wallet Without Them Knowing About It." Larry: That special really opened my eyes. I think I get it now! I'm a new man! [ The phone rings, and Larry goes to get it. It's Brian. ] Larry: Hello? Brian: Hey, Larry. Listen, I don't think I'll be able to fix your plumbing tomorrow morning. Larry: Why not? Brian: Well, the wife and I went to this Mexican restaurant a while ago, and now I've got this burning sensation in my stomach. Larry: Oh.. [ Just as Larry tries to talk, he keels over. He has a stomachache too. ] Oh God! Brian: Larry, are you there? Larry: [ regains composure, still in pain, and picks up the phone again ] Um, yeah.. I think so. Well, anyway, that's the pits, um.. Brian: Yeah.. Well, I might be able to do it tomorrow. Listen, I gotta go, I need to use the john again. Larry: Okay, Brian, goodb.. [ before he finishes, Larry gets another burst of pain and rushes to the john himself ] AAAAHH! [ After a flushing sound is heard, Larry returns to the room. ] Larry: Man, what the hell was that? [ He goes and hangs up the phone, but seconds later it rings again. It's Arnie. ] Larry: Hello? Arnie: What's up, Lar? Larry: Arnie? How are you, I heard you got pretty plastered last night. Arnie: Don't even remind me, man. I've got the most massive headache. Larry: See, that's what happens, when.. [ All of a sudden, Larry starts experiencing sharp pains in his head as well. ] Oh, son of a bitch! Arnie: What? Larry: [ tries to regain his composure ] Um.. son of a bitch, that's what happens when you have too many! Arnie: [ yelling ] Hey, you're the last one who should be lecturing me, man! Larry: [ cowering ] Stop yelling! It's very painful! Arnie: Listen, man, you seem a little weird today, so I'll just call you back. [ hangs up ] Larry: [ hangs up ] What the hell is... Oh, my God, the damn special! I'm actually feeling everyone's pain! [ The phone rings again ] Larry: Oh, I wonder what this could be. [ Larry picks it up. It's his brother Doug. ] Larry: Hello. Doug: Larry, you'll never guess what happened. Larry: Oh, something painful, no doubt. Doug: Well, if you consider breaking your leg painful. Larry: Oh, not again! [ the pain kicks in, and Larry collapses ] OW! For the love of God, why is this happening? Doug: Yeah, I just had surgery on it, and they sliced in some pretty awful places, too. Larry: Oh, kill me now, God! Doug: Well, I think I'm going to go to sleep now, maybe I'll call you back when I'm feeling better. Larry: Yes, Doug! Only call me back when you're feeling better! I mean that! In fact, call me some time when you're having sex. Doug: Um.. I'll look into that. Bye. [ Larry hangs up, and hastily unplugs the phone. ] Larry: There. No more of that nonsense. I'll just watch some TV. [ clicks on TV ] Voice [ on TV ]: An African country mourns.. as their president... has been shot. [ Larry clutches his chest and screams out in pain ] Larry: Oh, sweet mother of God, what have I done to deserve this??!!! [ Larry takes one last breath and collapses dead on the couch ] [ Cut to a funeral home. Heather is seen hovering over Larry's open casket ] Heather: Oh, my dear, sweet Larry! And to think, he died feeling someone else's pain! [ Heather begins to cry loudly. The camera focuses on Larry's corpse, which, otherwise remaining perfectly still, begins to cry as well. ] [ Doug, in a wheelchair, wheels himself up to the casket ] Doug: Well, Larry's finally gone. You know what that means. Heather: [ stops crying ] I haven't forgotten. [ Heather wheels Doug into another room. Soon, a big smile crosses Larry's face ] Larry: Ooh, now that's what I like! Doug: [ off screen ] Watch the leg! Larry: OW! [ resumes smiling as the camera zooms out ] Rate or review this sketch. |
