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Male Diner #1.....Chris Parnell Female Diner #1.....Ana Gasteyer Waiter.....Sean Hayes Waitress.....Maya Rudolph Male Diner #2.....Will Ferrell Female Diner #2.....Molly Shannon Restaurant Manager.....Horatio Sanz [ open on Couple dining in a fine restaurant ] Male Diner #1: This is nice. We really should get out for dinner more often. Female Diner #1: I agree. It's not every night we can get away from the kids like this.. [ their Waiter suddenly appears at the table ] Waiter: And how is everything, folks? Are you enjoying your dinner? Female Diner #1: We most certainly are. This place is very charming. Male Diner #1: And it's the best food I've had in a long time! Female Diner #1: [ lightly punches her husband's arm ] Except for when I cook! Male Diner #1: [ redeeming himself ] ..which isn't often enough..! Waiter: [ not interested in their playful banter ] Uh-huh.. So.. are you finished with that? [ points at Male Diner #1's plate ] Male Diner #1: Uh.. not quite yet. Just a few more bites. [ picks at the remains of steak on his plate ] Waiter: Well, I mean, if you're full, I'll be glad to take that from you.. [ reaches for plate ] Male Diner #1: One more bite. Then, I'll take my check. Waiter: Very good, Sir. And how about you Ma'am? Are you finished with that? [ points at her plate ] Female Diner #1: [ takes one final bite ] Yes.. thank you. I'm stuffed. Very good food! Waiter: Yes, Ma'am, I couldn't agree more. I'll just take your plate from you there. [ grabs her plate ] Are you finished with your plate now, Sir? Male Diner #1: Sure. I don't think I could eat another bite. Waiter: Super! Just super! [ grabs his plate ] Well, I'll just take these plates back to the kitchen, and I'll return shortly with your check. Male Diner #1: Thank you. [ Waiter brings the two unfinished plates behind the counter, where a Waitress is totalling her customers' bill. She immediately notices the contents of the two unfinished plates. ] Waitress: Looks like somebody didn't eat all the steak on their plate. And just look at all those leftover fries. [ eyes the leftovers hungrily ] Dibs on the steak! Waiter: [ pulls plate away ] Like hell! These are my customers! I get the steak! But you can have what's left of the fries. Waitress: Alright, fine.. [ pouting, she shoves a handful of fries in her mouth ] Waiter: [ holds up plate ] Look, they didn't finish their bread. You want it? Waitress: With fries? No, you take the bread. I'll finish the baked potato. Waiter: Okay, but here.. wash it down with these last few drops of sweetened tea. [ hands her an unfinished glass of tea ] Waitress: [ chewing fries ] Mmm.. these have got to be the best fries in town. Waiter: [ biting into steak ] Well, this leftover steak could be better. This guy ordered his Well Done. I prefer mine Medium Rare. Waitress: Why are you complaining? It's free, and your belly's fuller than mine right now. Waiter: I wouldn't fret if I were you. Didn't your customer order shrimp? Waitress: [ salivating ] Yeahhhh.. I hope they save some leftovers for me. Waiter: [ wiping mouth ] I'd better wipe the steak sauce off my chin before I bring those people their check. I didn't even tell them they get free dessert with their meal, so help yourself! Scoop out two bowls of that Cherry Cobbler - one for you, and one for me! [ brings check to his customers ] Annnnd, here's your bill, folks. I hope your dining experience was pleasurable, and we hope that you come back soon. Female Diner #1: Um.. didn't this order come with free dessert? Waiter: [ laughing uncomfortably ] Dessert! Right! Cherry Cobbler! I'm sorry, I thought you were full.. hold on. [ yelling to the Waitress ] Vickie! Would you bring those two bowls of Cherry Cobbler to Table 5, please? Thank you! [ to customers ] She'll be right over here in just a second.. [ Waitress arrives ] ..and, here she is. [ she places Cherry Cobblers on the table ] Cherry Cobbler for two. When you're done, you can pay your bill at the counter. Enjoy. [ Waiter and Waitress stomp back to the counter, as the Waitress' customers call for her ] Female Diner #2: Oh, Miss? Could I have a refill, please? [ shakes empty glass ] Waitress: [ approaches table ] Sure. [ grabs glass ] Male Diner #2: Oh, and I'm done with my plate. [ Waitress' eyes light up ] My eyes must be bigger than my stomach, because I'm too full to eat those last three shrimp on my plate! Waitress: That's alright, Sir. No problem at all. I'll just take that from you, okay? [ takes his plate, hands glass to Waiter ] Sam, could you refill this woman's glass of tea, while I take care of her husband's leftover plate of shrimp? [ Waiter takes glass ] Thanks. [ in front of her customers, she begins to eat the leftover shrimp ] Waiter: [ turns around quickly ] Hey, don't eat all of them! Save some for me! Waitress: [ picks up plate of unfinished salad, and hands it to Waiter ] You want to eat? Then finish his salad. The shrimp are mine! Male Diner #2: What is going on! Why are you eating my food! Waitress: You want we should toss it in the trash because you got big eyes? We're not in the habit of wasting food at this restaurant. [ eats another shrimp, as Waiter polishes off the salad ] Female Diner #2: I have never experienced anything as rude and ill-mannered as this! This has to be the most unsanitary restaurant we have ever eaten at! Waitress: I trust your germs! [ notices her plate ] You gonna finish those catfish strips? Female Diner #2: This is an outrage! Male Diner #2: Where's the manager! I want to talk to the manager! [ tough-looking Manager steps up to the table ] Manager: Is there something I can help you folks with? Female Diner #2: Yes, you can! This waiter and waitress are taking our unfinished plates from us, then eating the leftover food on them! I've never been so disgusted in my entire life! Male Diner #2: I am not paying $6.95 for six shrimp so I can only eat three, while she finishes the leftovers! Manager: Vickie, did you ask this gentleman if he'd like a doggie bag for his leftover shrimp? Waitress: [ hanging head in shame ] No, Sir, I didn't. I just assumed he was full, and didn't want any more. I'm sorry. Manager: Well, I suppose there's only one way to make sure you've learned your lesson. [ grabs plate of shrimp from her hand, then eats the last remaining shrimp ] Mmm.. that's damn good shrimp. My compliments to the chef. Male Diner #2: [ stunned ] What are you doing? Manager: Back off, bozo! You said you were finished! Let's go! Out of here, alright? We need turnover, come on! Sam, there's some bread crumbs on Table 9 - if you're hungry, go pick at 'em! Vickie, someone spilled some Coke underneath Table 12 - if you're thirsty, go at it! [ to Couple ] You can pay your bill at the counter! Let's go! Go, go, go!! [ scene ends as the Couple exit the restaurant, Manager still barking orders at his staff ] [ fade to black ] Rate or review this sketch. |
