 |  |  |  |  |  |
| .....Lorne Michaels .....Tina Fey .....Adam McKay .....Paula Pell [ open on Writers’ Meeting ] Lorne Michaels: Folks, we have a problem with our ratings, and ever since the 1999 season our Nielsens have been abysmal, compared to "Survivor" and the XFL. I'm here to ask you what you all think is the problem. Tina Fey: Um, maybe we shouldn't have done those Primetime shows. We shoulda just let "Friends" go the whole hour. Adam McKay: Or maybe it's Weekend Update. Tina Fey: [ chuckles ] Yeah, that problem's been around for what, 26 years now? I think the writing for Update's been top notch... and-- Lorne Michaels: Tina, that reminds me, we've been getting about four calls a week from Jane Curtin. She's asked that you quit copying her tagline, and then she told you to stick those goofy glasses somewhere you won't find comfortable. Tina Fey: [ disgusted ] Uggh, Jane, she can't get over the fact that I only re-use one. I know some people who always copy stuff from that original Update, but Lorne, at least I don't recycle EVERY tagline, geez, get over it... Jane... you ignorant slut! Lorne Michaels: Hmm... on second thought, let's get rid of those Jane Curtin "Hateful Bitch" jokes on Update. [ crosses off something on a clipboard ] Tina Fey: [ disappointed ] Awww... Lorne Michaels: Well, any other suggestions? What's the problem with the show? Adam McKay: Maybe it's the way the monologue is set up. That question and answer crap during the monologue has gotten old. Paula Pell: [ shocked ] Now wait just one minute here! That's the only way I can appear on the show! Adam McKay: Yeah, remember the Lucy Lawless episode? You always play the lesbian! [ Adam laughs disturbingly ] Paula Pell: [ angered ] Hey, back off! [ turns to Lorne ] You know what, Lorne, it's those sh**-eating short films that Adam makes. Those movies are worthless! Adam McKay: Wait just a damn minute, you fat bitch! [ everyone goes silent; Paula is utterly shocked, stands up ] Paula Pell: OK, you wanna-be featured player... no more questions and answers, as long as you get rid of all of your short films you've ever done! Adam McKay: What? I can't... I... [ at a loss for words ] ... Tina? Tina Fey: Hey, that first time we were just testing your material, it was actually a mistake for me to have to put up with that. I'd vote to stop production of them. Adam [ distraught ] But Tina...! I... but... wasn't the German Intellectual and the Baby movie funny last week? Tina Fey: Yes, for about ten seconds, then it sucked balls. Adam McKay: Aw, come on!! It wasn't that bad... come on... It wasn't... [ looks at Lorne ] Lorne, doesn't Paula's proposal seem just a little outrageous? Lorne Michaels: Actually, Adam, I'm afraid Ms. Pell is 100% right. I've already taken all of those tapes out of our vault. Adam McKay: What? What did you do with them? Lorne Michaels: Simple. [ video clip of bonfire outside; film reel labeled "The Pervert" thrown on fire ] I burned them. Adam McKay: [ shocked ] Noooooo! Lorne Michaels: You know, Adam, instead of your short films, we've decided to bring back the Maakies and the GoLords. Adam: [ psychotically screaming ] NO!!!... YOU BLOODSUCKING BASTARD!!! [charges Lorne; Paula steps in front of Adam and he falls over ] Paula Pell: Take that! You poser! [ Takes a chair and smashes it on Adam ] Adam McKay: Aaaaaiigghhh! Paula Pell: [ turns to Lorne ] Hey Lorne, since I won't ever get to be on the show again, can I say just one thing? Lorne Michaels: Sure... what is that? Paula Pell: [turns to camera] Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!!! Rate or review this sketch. |
