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Store Manager.....Will Ferrell Marco.....Sean Hayes Eugene.....Horatio Sanz Mother.....Ana Gasteyer Customer.....Chris Parnell Thief.....Tracy Morgan Old Security Guard.....Rachel Dratch [ open at Toys R Us, in the Manager's office ] Store Manager: [ on the phone ] Yeah, Frank, it's been great around here, sales of those new Tech Deck fingerboards have really taken off... Right... Yeah, hey Frank, we've got a surplus of Dreamcasts, I was wondering if you wanted one... Yeah, for free... [ looks out the window of his office and sees Marco and Eugene ] Oh crap. Can you hold on a sec, Frank? I'll be right back. [ puts the phone down ] Dammit, not again! [ leaves office ] [ Marco and Eugene are waiting to see the Manager, both of them are trying their best to act like Security guards ] Store Manager: I've told you guys a million times, we don't need any security guards, we've already got one, and he's doing an excellent job already. Marco: Come on, I heard it's been real busy around here, man. Eugene: Yeah, and just now I saw some kids fighting over one of those robotic dogs. Man, I never saw anyone being hit over the head with one of those before. Marco: See, this place has gotten dangerous. Now, here's our offer... Store Manager: [ sighs ] Boys, I'm afraid you'll... Marco: Wait a sec, here's the best part! I heard you guys weren't selling them Dreamcasts very much, right? Store Manager: Um... yeah, we've cut back the prices. Now you can get them for $2.99 if you sign up to AOL for two years. Eugene: Yeah, now we were thinking, if we guard the video games section and make sure nothing goes wrong, will you give us two Dreamcasts? Store Manager: [ thinks for a few seconds ] Aw, what the hell... Okay. Eugene: Yeah! Marco: All right! Store Manager: But!!! Let me warn you, one complaint from anyone and you'll be gone! No Dreamcasts, and you'll never set foot in this store again! Eugene: No problem, boss. Marco: Yeah, we've got everything covered. [ Store Manager leaves ] [ Marco and Eugene stand right in front of the glass case with all the video games, "guarding" them ] Eugene: Remember, Marco, make sure nobody steals these video games! Marco: Yeah, this is so cool, I can't believe we're actually security guards now! [ a kid comes up to the case ] Eugene: [ shouting in the kid's face ] WHADDA YA WANT, PUNK?! Kid: I'd like to get a Pokemon Silver. Eugene: Sure you do, kid. Now, how did'ja think you'd get it, huh? Kid: I thought I could just walk up here and get it, it was like that last week, you guys weren't here... Eugene: Yeah, walk up and GET it, HUH? You're pretty SNEAKY, kid! Kid: But it's right there! [ whining ] I want it! Come on! Marco: Listen up, son, it ain't gonna be that easy to just mosey on up here and snatch it without PAYING FOR IT FIRST! Hasn't your MOMMY ever taught you about STEALING?! Kid: [ crying ] Waaaaaa! [ runs off camera ] Eugene: Geez, kids these days... Marco: They think they're so smart... man, I hope I drop dead before THEY grow up. Eugene: Seriously. [ Mother walks up to the security guards, holding the Kid's hand. The kid is still sobbing ] Mother: Excuse me, gentlemen, but I heard about what happened here, and I'd like to tell you that your behavior is unacceptable. Marco: Now, ma'am, your son tried to steal the Pokemon cartridge from the case here, and we had to stop the theft while it was in progress. Mother: That's ridiculous! My Timmy is FIVE years old, look at him, you made him cry! Eugene: I would cry, too. I would cry in SHAME over what an IDIOT I was to try to STEAL! Mother: [ completely offended ] This is absolutely unacceptable! I will see to it that you are fired! Come on, Timmy! [ Mother and kid leave camera ] Eugene: [ mimicking ] Waa waa waa, my Timmy is FIVE years old! Marco: Geez, can anyone say PMS? Eugene: Yeah, she must have like ten kids or something. Marco: Right on, Eugene. [ a Customer walks up to the two ] Customer: Um, excuse me, do you know where the new Starting Lineup baseball figures are? Eugene: Sure, they're right over here, I'll show you. Marco: We've got 'em all, which ones were you looking for? [ they walk away from the video game case ] Customer: Well, I was looking for Sean Casey and Vinny Castilla... [ while the customer talks with Eugene and Marco, a Thief comes up to the video game case ] [ Thief reaches in and stuffs cartridges on shelf in jacket pockets ] Thief: A Playstation 2... Suh-weeeeeeet! [ Grabs PS2 box and continues to stuff cartridges into his pockets and backpack ] [ camera goes back to customer conversation, with Thief in background stealing ] Eugene: Well, I don't think they made a Sean Casey SLU. Customer: Well, maybe I'm mistaken, but I know they've made Vinny Castilla. He's my favorite. Even though he's on the stinkin' D-Rays now. Marco: Yeah, Tampa Bay's pretty crappy, huh. Eugene: For real, they reek. They oughta get themselves some real pitchers, man. Customer: So... no Vinny Castilla Staring Lineup, huh? Eugene: Sorry, man, we're all out. Customer: Well, that's too bad. Oh well, I guess I'll be going... [ Thief stuffs PS2 into backpack, zips it up, and leaves out the back door ] Eugene: Well, have a nice time finding it, I know the Toys R Us in Hempstead has it... Customer: I'll check it out.. thanks, guys. [ Customer leaves; at that moment, Store Manager returns ] Store Manager: Hey, I've just heard a complaint from an angry woman. She told me she'd buy her son's video games at Kay Bee Toys from now on... Eugene: But that filthy kid was trying to RIP YOUR ASS OFF!! Store Manager: Filthy kid, my ass! He's FIVE years old... I've never lost business to Kay Bee Toys in over 20 years! You're pathetic! I suppose that kid just walked up to the case, and stole the Pokemon game, huh? Marco: No, boss, we stopped him. I assure you that he didn't steal anything. Eugene: I'd love to have some of those games, boss, there's some sweet ass PS2 stuff in there. Wow... [ Store Manager looks over to the video game case, which is now empty ] Store Manager: You have got to be KIDDING me! Eugene: But.. I... we... Store Manager: So, it was YOU guys, huh? I hired YOU TWO HOOLIGANS to steal from my store? Marco: I swear, it wasn't us... it was that kid! Eugene: Uh... yeah, he snuck up when we weren't looking man, that kid's pretty sneaky! Store Manager: That is the biggest load of crap I've heard in awhile. Get out! Eugene: How about those Dreamcasts? Store Manager: You can FORGET it, now HIT THE ROAD... [ looks off camera ] SECURITY!!! SECURITY!!! Marco: [ salutes the Manager ] At your service! Store Manager: Not you, douche bag, the real security guard! [ The security lady walks up, she's hunched over and wrinkled ] Security Guard: [ grizzled voice ] I'm gonna hafta ask you boys to leave... Eugene: You're kidding me, right? Store Manager: No, Darlene's been our security since 1962, isn't that right, Grandma? Security Guard: That's correct, sweetie. Now HIT THE ROAD! Marco: Geez, this is sad. Eugene: Let's get out of here... Marco: We can try Walgreen's next. Eugene: Yeah, I heard they need someone to guard the heart rate machine... [ fade out ] Rate or review this sketch. |
