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Female Customer.....Molly Shannon Hillary Clinton.....Ana Gasteyer Bill Clinton.....Darrell Hammond Male Customer.....Sean Hayes Undercover Officer.....Will Ferrell Transvestite.....Horatio Sanz [ open on yard sale outside the Clintons' home in New York ] Female Customer: Excuse me, what is this? Hillary Clinton: This is a charming little item - an antique dining room chair owned by Martha Washington in the late 18th Century. Female Customer: It's lovely. What are you doing with it in Westchester County? Hillary Clinton: Well, we needed to furnish our home here after we moved out of the White House, and we thought this would look perfect in our dining room. [ laughs ] But we were wrong! It was too tacky to match our decor! It's yours for $500. Female Customer: I don't want it! It belongs in Washington! Hillary Clinton: Alright. $200. Female Customer: Lady, it's stolen merchandise! Hillary Clinton: $100? Female Customer: I'm getting out of here before the Feds show up! [ starts to turn away ] Hillary Clinton: You drive a hard bargain! I'll give you the chair for $50. Female Customer: Okay. [ opens purse ] It's illegal, but I just can't pass up a bargain! Hillary Clinton: [ takes money ] You won't regret it. [ Customer takes chair ] Y'all come back now, ya hear? Bill Clinton: [ walks up ] How we making out? Hillary Clinton: So-so. I just sold Martha Washington's chair. Bill Clinton: Good. Damn thing's too petite for me to sit in, anyway. Hillary Clinton: Any interest in the Victorian table? Bill Clinton: None. [ spots Male Customer rummaging through box at the next table ] Bu-u-ut.. it looks like someone's interested in the ashtrays. I'll handle this one. [ steps over to the next table ] How you doing? Male Customer: [ holding ashtray ] Just fine, thank you. Bill Clinton: You smoke? Male Customer: Not particularly. But I was admiring the sculpting. I've never seen an ashtray like this before. What's this insignia? Bill Clinton: Oh, that. That's the symbol you see on TV right before I give a speech. Male Customer: [ curious ] Wait a minute. Are these ashtrays from the White House? Bill Clinton: Sure are. A complete set. I've got one here for each year I was in office. You can have all eight for $100. Male Customer: $100? Do these even belong to you? Bill Clinton: They belonged to us while we were living in the White House. When we moved out, we took them with us. Male Customer: So, these ashtrays are stolen. Bill Clinton: [ closes box, looks around yard ] You a cop? Male Customer: No. Bill Clinton: You with the FBI? Male Customer: No. Bill Clinton: Then what's the problem? Male Customer: The problem is, you stole these ashtrays from Washington! Bill Clinton: [ laughs uncomfortably ] Son, I like you. Tell you what, I'm gonna make you a deal: all 8 ashtrays for the price of 1. $5. What do you say? Male Customer: I say you're pushing your luck, trying to peddle stolen merchandise! Don't you know the consequences of stealing this stuff? Bill Clinton: Of course I do! Tourists get shot all the time for trying to steal ashtrays from the White House. But I'm the President. Ashtrays and furniture are the equivalent of a gold watch in this business. Male Customer: No, they're not! It's illegal! Bill Clinton: [ laughs humorously ] Boy, you been living in this country for the last eight years? I re-invented the Law, okay? [ Male Customer leaves yard ] [ Hillary walks up ] Hillary Clinton: He sounds like trouble. We'd better move this merchandise quick. Bill Clinton: Well, we'll never get rid of it all here. We've got to move our base of operations. Hillary Clinton: What do you suggest? Bill Clinton: Well, we're not far from New York. I can get rid of all the small stuff tonight. Hillary Clinton: [ troubled ] You're gonna work the streets? Bill Clinton: Only way. Don't worry, I'll be careful. [ cut to New York City street corner, midnight ] [ Clinton stands on corner wearing trenchcoat, stolen goods hidden within ] [ prostitute walks past ] Bill Clinton: Hey, Baby.. [ blows kiss, laughs smugly ] Lookin' good! [ spots potential customer walking down the street ] Psssst! Undercover Officer: Me? [ Clinton nods ] Me. [ walks over ] Yeah, what'cha got? Bill Clinton: [ reaches into trenchcoat, pulls out ashtray ] Authentic White House souvenier ashtrays. [ shifts eyes ] $20 each. Undercover Officer: Are you for real? Where'd you get these? Bill Clinton: From the White House. Real thing. Undercover Officer: [ stares at Clinton ] Say, don't I know you? Bill Clinton: Maybe. Maybe not. Undercover Officer: Hey, you're former President Clinton, aren't you? Bill Clinton: I don't like to use the word "former" in social circles, if you don't mind. Undercover Officer: Uh-huh. Hey, you got a permit to sell that stuff? Bill Clinton: What's it to you? You a cop? Undercover Officer: Maybe. Maybe not. Bill Clinton: [ nervous ] Maybe yes? Undercover Officer: Maybe. Undercover Agent Ted Mitchell. That's stolen merchandise you're peddling out here. I'm gonna have to take you into custody. Bill Clinton: You can't do that! I'm above the law! Remember that sex scandal a few years back? Undercover Officer: Yeah, well, you were in Washington then. Now, you're in New York. [ removes handcuffs from pockets, puts them on Clinton ] You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.. Bill Clinton: But I'm a man of glory! Undercover Officer: The jury's out on that one. We'll discuss it with them in the morning. Let's go! [ drags Clinton across the street ] [ cut to Clinton Bedroom - phone ringing ] Hillary Clinton: [ answers phone ] Good morning. Senator Clinton's bedroom. What? My husband's in jail? I'll be right there. Thank you, Officer. [ cut to interior, Police Precinct - Officer Mitchell pushes Clinton into a cell with burly transvestite ] Bill Clinton: Come on, Officer! Can't we discuss this like reasonable human beings? You're out of your jurisdiction, anyway! Undercover Officer: This is not going to be a local trial, Mr. Clinton. This one's going straight to the Federal government. Bill Clinton: Oh.. well, there's no problem, then. I pardoned eveyone that can help me now! [ laughs, bites lip, extends thumb-up ] Transvestite: [ moves closer to Clinton ] I voted for you.. twice. Bill Clinton: Uh.. thank you. Thank you very much. [ laughs nervously ] Transvestite: I hear you like cigars. Bill Clinton: Uh.. I quit smoking. Transvestite: Oh, I may be out of matches. But you'll be smoking tonight, don't worry! [ smiles maliciously ] Bill Clinton: Officer Mitchell, if I could request solitude incarceration? Undercover Officer: No can do, Mr. Clinton. We're cramped for space already. Transvestite: [ puts arm around Clinton ] That's okay. We got enough room in here! [ Hillary enters the precinct ] Hillary Clinton: Where is he, Officer? [ Officer Mitchell points to the cell - she walks over to it ] You couldn't handle it without getting caught, could you? Bill Clinton: How do you know it wasn't a set-up? Hillary Clinton: Because Linda Tripp's on a Fat Farm in Europe. Transvestite: Hey. Who's the broad? Bill Clinton: The wife. Transvestite: Bummer, dude. Hillary Clinton: [ turns around ] Officer, what's the damage? Undercover Officer: He's facing a Federal hearing tomorrow afternoon at 2pm. If you want to bring him home tonight, bail's been set at $600,000. Transvestite: You leaving, Bill? Bill Clinton: [ hopeful ] Looks like it! Hillary Clinton: $600,000 is a lot of money. Bill Clinton: Dammit, woman! Just give him the Victorian table! Undercover Officer: We don't accept bribes. Hillary Clinton: No bribes, huh? Bill Clinton: [ alarmed ] No bribes?! Hillary Clinton: [ thinking ] Leave him here. Bill Clinton: [ stunned ] What?! Hillary, you wouldn't! He's a transvestite! Hillary Clinton: It's only one night, Bill. See you in the morning. [ exits precinct ] Transvestite: [ laughs sadistically, arms around Bill ] You like games, boy? We gonna play us some games tonight! [ laughs sadistically ] Bill Clinton: Hillaryyyyy!! [ fade to black ] Rate or review this sketch. |
