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Lieutenant Gurly.....Will Ferrell Cat Lady.....Ana Gasteyer Agent Jenson.....Chris Kattan Agent Leonard.....Chris Parnell [ The "America's Most Wanted" theme comes on, and it shows the lieutenant in his office sitting at his desk. ] Lieutenant Gurly: Hi. I'm Lieutenant John Gurly. For the past seven years, the FBI has been searching for this woman. [ a picture of the Cat Lady flashes on the screen. Her clothes are all dirty and her make-up is all smeared, and she's smoking a cigarette. ] Her name is Miss Tina Moore, or a.k.a "The Cat Lady". She has committed several counts of burglary, many counts of domestic violence, speeding, parking in a handicapped zone, and taking a dump on the President's yard. When finally, after several years of searching, we have come across an old abandoned shack, here in the small town of Trimble, Tennessee where we believe "The Cat Lady" resides. The town calls the old shack a "cat house" because it has said to have over 325 cats within it's very walls. Wow! That's a lot of cats! Here is some footage of some of our top officers trying to apprehend her, here on "America's Most Wanted". [ the screen goes black, and then it shows two agents walking toward and old, run down shack. They walk up the steps and knock on the door four times. The Cat Lady walks out and instantly, you can hear hundresd of cats meowing. ] Cat Lady: Ye-eah what the f(bleep) do you want and what the f(bleep) do you think you're doing on my God(bleep), motha' f(bleep)in' property?! Agent Jenson: Miss Moore, I'm Agent Jenson and this is my partner, Agent Leonard. Will you please step out of the house so we can take care of a little business? Cat Lady: Hell f(bleep)no, ya motha' f(bleep)in', s(bleep)heads! Now get the f(bleep)off of my porch! Agent Leonard: Ma'am, you are in a lot of trouble. It would be easier if you just- Cat Lady: I will kick...your...ASS!!! Agent Leonard: Calm down, Miss! If you don't come quietly, then we're gonna have to drag you! [ she flicks her cigarette at him and grabs a rifle and cocks it, pointing at the agents ] Cat Lady: Get off my property! [ fires ] Go on! Both Agents: We're leaving!!! [ they get in their car and zoom off ] [ screen goes black and shows the Lieutanant back in his office ] Lieutenant Gurly: As you probably just saw, Miss Tina Moore, has run our top two agents off. Apparently, Miss Tina thinks that she she's invincable, but what she doesn't know is that this time, the agents are in disguise! And by God, this time, SHE IS GOING DOWN!! [ screen goes black and the shows the inside of the "Cat House". Someone knocks on it three times. The Cat Lady opens the door, as hundreds of cats are heard meowing Outside the door are the two agents wearing girl scout uniforms and pigtail wigs. ] Agent Jenson: Hi! We're two girl scouts! [ Agent Leonard elbows him ] And we would like to know if you would like to sample some of our delicious chocolate-almond candy bars! Agent Leonard: [ adjusting wig and bra ] Yes, they are absolutly fabulous! Cat Lady: NO! Agent Jenson: Please?!!! Agent Leonard: Oh, pretty pleeeease? Cat Lady: I said NO! Now get off my God(bleep), motha'f(bleep)in' porch, before I throw you s(beep)heads off! Agent Leonard: Don't be like that! Cat Lady: That's it! (the Cat Lady goes into her house for a couple of seconds. She comes bck with two arms full of cats and starts throwing them at the disguised Agents. She then chases the two phony girl scouts around her yard. ] [ screen goes black and returns to Lietenant Gurly in his office ] Lieutenant Gurly: Okay,so maybe we didn't make an apprehension. So what? She wasn't that big of a threat, was she? NO! And ya know, she could be anywhere right now. Since her little run in with the law, she's run away AGAIN! And... wait... you know what? I QUIT! I'm sick of this job! Everytime somthing goes wrong, people blame me! You know what you can do with this show? Shove it up your- [ the Cat Lady steps on the stage ] OH MY GOD!! [ he falls out of his seat and onto the floor ] Sweet lord!! Where the F did you come from? Cat Lady: Hey, Gurly! Did you miss me? You'll never get me! NEVER!!!!! [ she starts throwing cats at him until he's off the stage. then she looks straight into the camera ] LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!!!!!! Rate or review this sketch. |
