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Woman #1.....Katie Holmes Man #1.....Will Ferrell Man #2.....Chris Parnell Woman #2.....Tina Fey Man #3.....Jerry Minor Woman #3.....Ana Gasteyer [ open on a group of people standing by an elevator on the first floor of a large office building ] [ elevator doors open - everyone steps inside ] [ as the doors close, a voice yells out from the distance ] Woman #1: Hold that elevator! [ one of the men inside the elevator uses his arm to keep the doors open ] Thank you! [ she steps inside ] Man #1: You seem to be in a hurry, Miss. What's the rush? Woman #1: It's my first day on the job, and I don't want to be late. Man #2: Relax. You don't want to tire yourself out before you get there. Woman #1: You're right, I don't. [ she extends her hand to press the button for her floor, but appears confused ] Uh.. where's the button for the 46th Floor? Woman #2: They don't have one. Woman #1: [ laughs nervously ] What do you mean, they don't have one? Woman #2: I mean, there's only two buttons in this elevator - one for the 1st Floor, and one for the 60th Floor. Woman #1: Well, how am I supposed to get to the 46th Floor? Man #2: Well, there are two solutions. You can either climb up for forty-six flights of stairs from the first floor, or you could ride the elevator to the 60th Floor, then walk down fourteen flihts of stairs. Woman #1: But that's outrageous! Why would someone build an elevator that only stops on two floors! Man #3: Well, it's like this.. don't you hate it when you're riding on an elevator with a group of people, but everyone stops at a different floor, usually one floor apart from another, thus causing the elevator to stop at every floor, leaving the other passengers nauseous from the sudden stop and go, stop and go, stop and go.. Woman #3: That's right. This way, with only two floors to stop at, no one gets nauseous, and it makes for much smoother ride. Woman #1: That's stupid! I have a job on the 46th Floor, and I don't feel like walking forty-six flights up, or fourteen flights down! How can you people be so relaxed about this situation? Man #1: Well, my job's on the 60th Floor. Woman #3: So is mine. Man #2: I work on the 58th Floor. But I'm not complaining. Woman #2: I work on the 59th Floor. Man #3: 58th Floor for me. Woman #1: You people are so lucky to have found jobs you wanted near the floors that the elevator stops at. How did you do it? Man #1: Well, I just requested this floor when I came looking for a job. Woman #1: You mean.. you knew about the elevator beforehand. Man #1: Sure did. I originally answered an ad for a job on the 36th Floor. But the guy kept insisting the job was mine, and there was no need for me to come by for an interview. Naturally, I became suspicious, so I drove down here to take a look. Lucky for me, a janitor in the Lobby told me about the elevator and advised me to look for a job near one of the two floors the elevator stopped at. So I found myself a job on the top floor. Woman #1: [ dazed ] I wondered why I was interviewed over the phone.. Man #2: It looks like you got suckered, Miss. Woman #2: If it's any consolation, it took seventeen calls for me to finally find a job in the 59th Floor. Woman #1: Yeah, but you only have to walk down one flight of stairs in the morning! I have to walk down fourteen! Woman #3: You can always reapply for a job on another floor. I understand the plastic flower shop on the 3rd Floor is hiring. Woman #1: Plastic flower shop? Are you serious? I have a Master's Degree in Applied Business, and you want me to work at a plastic flower shop! Man #3: Hey, I have a degree in Law, but I'm working in the novelty top company on the 58th Floor. True, I'm not getting paid as much as I'm worth, but at least I don't have to walk up and down all those stairs every day. Woman #2: Actually, you'll get used to walking up and down those stairs. At least you'll be getting some exercise - something none of us ever get. Woman #1: I'm willing to sacrifice it, believe me. Man #1: [ glancing at floor marker ] Looks like we're almost on the 60th Floor, gang! Woman #1: So what am I supposed to do? If I walk to walk up and down fourteen flights of stairs twice a day, it's going to kill me! Woman #2: Well, you could always quit your job and try again - just like we advised you to. Woman #1: I'm not sure I want to take it to that extreme. Man #1: Well, maybe you're right. If that's what you feel is best, maybe you should keep your job. [ elevator buzzes, landing on the 60th Floor. The doors open, and everyone steps out of the elevator. ] Man #1: Alright, I'll see everyone at five o'clock for the ride down. Have a good day! [ everyone bids farewell and walks off ] Woman #2: [ to Woman #1 ] Hey,we can continue talking on the stairs, if you like. I'm good for another floor of conversation! Woman #1: No, that's alright. You go on ahead without me I'm going to rest my feel for a few minutes before I jump into the stairwell. Woman #2: Alright. See you at five? Woman #1: Sure. I'll see you at five. Bye. [ waves goodbye, then approaches a payphone on the wall across from the elevator, and dials her boss ] Hello, Mr. Crothers? Hi, this is Diane Powell, your new employee? Yes, I realize I'm late for work, but I don't think it's going to matter. You see, I.. I found out about the two-stop elevator. Yes, it certainly was a surprise. You should have warned me about it in advance, but, since you didn't, I'm afraid I only have one thing to say to you. I QUIT!! [ she slams the receiver on the phone, turns around, presses button and waits for the elevator to return ] [ fade to black ] Rate or review this sketch. |
