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Dr. Timothy Carter.....Chris Parnell Bill Hart.....Horatio Sanz Mary Blanchard.....Katie Holmes Amie Rosenthal.....Rachel Dratch Clerk.....Jimmy Fallon Female Customer.....Ana Gasteyer [ SUPER: ELVIS WEEKLY ] [ open to "Elvis Weekly" studio, Dr. Timothy Carter seated in chair towards right of stage, two empty chairs to his left. ] [ Music Intro: "Heartbreak Hotel" ] Dr. Timothy Carter: Good evening. I'm Dr. Timothy Carter, and welcome to "Elvis Weekly", the show which focuses on the whereabouts of Elvis Aron Presley, dead or alive. Joining me as always is my good friend Bill Hart, a professional Elvis impersonator. Bill Hart, Elvis Impersonator: Well, thank you, man. Thank you for mentioning me. And thank you for the donuts and the chocolate milkshake you gave me before the show. Dr. Timothy Carter: No problem. We'll see Bill again later during our re-enactment. But first, a glimpse at Elvis movies on TV this week: tomorrow afternoon at 2:00 on TNT, it's "Clambake", starring Elvis as a singing stockcar racer; Wednesday night at 11:30 on all PBS affiliates, it's "Jailhouse Rock", with Elvis as a singing jailbird; and Saturday morning at 9:00 on Cinemax, watch for "Kissing Cousins", starring Elvis as a singing cousin.. who.. kisses. Okay, that's Elvis on TV this week. Now, let's meet tonight's guests. Please welcome Mary Blanchard and Amie Rosenthal, two women who refer to themselves as "Elvis Stalkers". Hello, ladies. So, the two of you collectively stalk the King? Mary Blanchard: That's right, Timothy. Elvis is alive, and we've come across him, not once, but hundreds of times, all across the country. Though we constantly tail him, he has a habit of evading us quite elusively. Dr. Timothy Carter: Now, when you say you stalk Elvis, you mean to suggest that you remain in constant pursuit of him? Amie Rosenthal: We've seen the King often. Sometimes on our own, sometimes after receiving a tip on his whereabouts from others. He knows we're after him, and he's scared. Dr. Timothy Carter: Have you ever encountered any problems? Mary Blanchard: Well, Elvis has issued a restraining order on us. Amie Rosenthal: Yes. We're not allowed within 50 feet of Elvis in the state of Michigan. We won't let it stop us! Dr. Timothy Carter: Interesting. Does Elvis tend to use Michigan as a safe haven from your stalking? Mary Blanchard: On occasion. But we haven't let it deter us. We usually just enter the state in disguise and continue to track him down. He has a hotel room in Lansing, and we often cross paths with him while masquerading as maids or door-to-door magazine saleswomen. Amie Rosenthal: Elvis will be ours! Dr. Timothy Carter: I see. Well, what do the two of you hope to accomplish with all of this? Do you stalk Elvis merely as sport, or do you have greater motives in mind? Mary Blanchard: I want to lock Elvis in my house and keep him as a sex slave. But Amie wants to have him stuffed and mounted over her parents' fireplace. Amie Rosenthal: My parents are huge Elvis fans. Dr. Timothy Carter: Well, it sounds like you have some worthy goals in mind. I understand that the two of you came extremely close to nabbing Elvis at an E-Z Serve in Jackson, Mississippi just recently. Could you tell our viewers about that? Mary Blanchard: We were so close, Timothy. We almost had Elvis in our clutches, but he managed to escape through a back alley, last seen with a strawberry Icee in his hands. Dr. Timothy Carter: And I believe we have a re-enactment of that scene on tape. Let's take a look. [ fade to re-enactment sequence, set in real E-Z Serve convenience store. A clerk stands behind a counter and waits on a young woman buying cigarettes. ] Clerk: That'll be $1.95. Female Customer: [ handing two dollars over the counter ] Keep the change. Elvis (Bill Hart): [ approaches counter with an Icee in his hands ] Just this strawberry Icee, thank you very much. Clerk: Ninety-seven cents. Elvis (Bill Hart): Can you break a hundred dollar bill? Just kiddin', man! Here's a dollar. [ holds out a dollar bill ] You can give the change to Jerry's Kids. [ Mary and Amie enter the store, grab a bag of potato chips and approach the counter. They spot Elvis talking to the clerk. ] Mary Blanchard: We meet again. Amie Rosenthal: Grab his ankles, and tie him with rope. He must not escape! Elvis (Bill Hart): Hey, what, you girls still bothering me? Come on, man, be cool. Leave me alone. Mary Blanchard: Shut up, and do as we say! Amie Rosenthal: Or, perhaps, you'd like to die all over again. We're prepared to damn you to Hell! Elvis (Bill Hart): Aw, man, you girls are crazy. You know that? You're more psycho than the Colonel. [ He exits the store ] Mary Blanchard: Come back and succumb to our wonton needs! Amie Rosenthal: We want you to be our personal rock and roll superslave! Mary Blanchard: Don't let him get away! [ the girls run outside. Amie pulls out a gun and fires in Elvis' direction ] Amie Rosenthal: Eat my waste, Elvis! [ fade back to "Elvis Weekly" studio. ] Dr. Timothy Carter: Unusual circumstances, ladies. I'm sorry you didn't stalk your prey successfully. But it looks like you put up a strong fight. Mary Blanchard: There will be other opportunities to come. Amie Rosenthal: Elvis will be our bitch! Dr. Timothy Carter: Well, I certainly wish you girls lots of luck. It looks like that's all the time we have this week on "Elvis Weekly". Bill and I will be here next week with two more exciting guests, including the janitor who cleaned the bathroom floor after Elvis allegedly died in 1977. Don't be cruel now! [ Music outro: "Don't Be Cruel"] [ fade to black, with "ELVIS WEEKLY" SUPER ] Rate or review this sketch. |
