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Woman.....Katie Holmes Man.....Chris Kattan Cop.....Jerry Minor [ a young man sits on a couch reading a book in a public library. A young woman walks by. As she does, the young man looks up, then returns his gaze to his book. ] Woman: [ angry ] I saw that! Man: [ confused, wondering if she's talking to him ] Saw what..? Woman: I saw you leer at me! Man: [ totally confused ] Leer? I didn't leer at you. Woman: I saw you lift your head and stare at me when I walked past. I'm not dumb! Man: Actually, I looked because someone was walking past me, and I was curious to see who it was. Call it paranoia, call it what you will, but it was just an innocent glance.. Woman: Innocent glance, my ass! I get this all the time! Everywhere I go, some pervert feels the distorted need to stare at me, and, I can only assume, he goes home and thinks of me while he's alone! Man: I'm not going to go home and think about you. I sensed someone was walking past me, and I was curious who it was. I had no way of knowing whether it was the librarian, an old friend, or even an assassin. Woman: No, it was just a woman for you to ogle while you cower in the wake of your sexual perversions, and I'm tired of being the target for your kinky fantasies. Man: I wasn't fantasizing! I was just reading this book - Summer of '42, by Herman Raucher. See? [ he shows her the book ] Woman: Oh, wonderful. So, now you're envisioning me as some sort of older woman. Perhaps a maternal figure, to counter the Oedipal Complex you had as a child. Man: Um.. my mother passed away two years ago.. Woman: Necrophiliac! Man: [ exasperated ] Look, you seem to have me mistaken for someone else.. I'm not sure who.. Woman: I've pegged you for a pervert, slimeball! Man: Okay, now you're giving me mixed signals. Woman: [ becoming more upset ] Look, just stop it, okay? Stop it! Leave me alone, alright? I didn't come here to be harassed by strangers - especially not you! Man: Wait a minute. Excuse me for intruding, but how am I harassing you? You spoke first. Woman: You're harassing me by looking at me! And by ogling, and leering, and staring, and gawking! Man: I.. I'm just reading a book. Woman: You were staring at me in a suggestive manner. A manner that says, "Shake it, honey, you know you got it!" For your information, I am more than an object of sexual desire or lust! I happen to be an intelligent woman who doesn't deserve to be thought of as a side of beef! Man: I don't think you're a side of beef. [ covers book in front of his face and speaks low ] I think you're a bitch. Woman: [ seizes man's book and throws it to the floor ] I heard that! Man: [ climbs sofa in half-fear ] Did you want to read that book? Woman: I am not a bitch! And I don't appreciate you're staring at me! [ the young man purposely stares deep into the young woman's eyes, intentionally trying to aggravate her ] Woman: That does it! I'm calling the cops! [ she storms off ] Man: Suit yourself, honey.. [ picks up his book, then returns to the couch to read ] [ the woman returns with a policeman ] Woman: That's him, Officer. He's the one. Cop: Sir, were you harassing this woman a moment ago? Man: No, I was just reading this book. She walked past, so I looked up to see who was there. Just like this.. [ he demonstrates ] Cop: So, if I'm to understand correctly, you were scoping her out? Man: No, I wasn't scoping her out. I looked up from my book. Like this. [ he demonstrates again ] See? Very casual. Cop: [ to the woman ] Looks pretty innocent to me, ma'am. Woman: You weren't here before. He was ogling me, Officer. Take him away! Cop: Ma'am, what he did was a natural instinct. When others walk past us, we tend to look up to see who it is. It's a common reflex. Woman: Cut the chit-chat - are you going to arrest him or not? Cop: [ annoyed with the woman's superiority ] Sir, were you harassing this woman in a non-verbal fashion? Man: No, I wasn't, Officer. Cop: I'm sorry, Ma'am, but there's no crime against glancing across the room. Woman: Then I want to file for a restraining order! Cop: What? Woman: You heard me - I want to file for a restraining order! I don't want him within ten miles of me! Man: I was here first. Cop: He was here first, Ma'am. Woman: I said I don't want him anywhere near me! Cop: [ thinking ] Alright.. I'm going to have to get your name, though. [ he takes out a pad and pencil and looks at her ] Woman: Fine! My name is Melissa Bro.. don't stare at me! Cop: I'm not staring. I'm just trying to get the necessary information needed in order to file a restraining order. I'm going to need your name, address and phone number.. Woman: Oh-ho! You'd like to have my address and phone number, wouldn't you? Then you could call me up, and stalk me, and peep in my windows at night. Well, the hell with that! [ seizes his pad and pencil, and throws them to the floor ] And stop looking at me! [ she storms off ] [ the cop stands in a daze, as the young man continues to read. Befuddled, the cop sits next to the young man on the couch, and is handed a copy of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. Both men continue to read their books, then glance at one another. ] Man & Cop: Improbable. Rate or review this sketch. |
