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.....Tina Fey .....Jimmy Fallon .....Tracy Morgan Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is "Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey." Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. And here's this week's top stories. This week, NASCAR legend Dale Earnhart died at the age of 49. He was killed in a car crash on the last lap of the first race of this NASCAR season. NASCAR fans, having lost perhaps their greatest racing legend, will always remember the tragedy as "a really great crash". At the 43rd annual Grammy awards, the first award, for Best Female Pop vocal, went to Macy Gray, who was honored not only because of her win, but because this time they didn't make fun of her pubes. Wannabe rapper and part-time white boy Eminem took home three awards at this year's Grammies ceremony Wednesday. However, the awards were all from the debut categories of "Worst New Artist", "Most Offensive Song of the Year", and "The Vanilla Ice Lifetime Achievement Award". Congratulations, Marshall - if that is your real name. A Japanese TV station Tuesday postponed airing a Godzilla movie on fears that scenes of the monster attacking fishing boats could remind people of a U.S. submarine's recent collision with a Japanese trawler off Hawaii. They've also halted efforts to broadcast the movie "Eyes Wide Shut", for fear that it would remind people how bad that movie sucked. Public school officials in Colorado are reviewing a decision to ban a student's science fair project that showed white students preferred a white Barbie doll over a black one, citing their concerns that the project would upset minority students. When reached for comment, Ken stated, "Personally, I don't care whether Barbie is white or black. To me, she's all pink on the inside." Tina Fey: And now with a new segment on Weekend Update, here's our own Jimmy Fallon with "I Have A Minute." Jimmy Fallon: Thanks, Tina. That's right, America - I Have A Minute! And I'm gonna use it! You know why? Because I care! I'm not one of those people who say they have time for the things that count, but then don't do it. I'm also not one of those people who say, "I'll be there for you," then follow it up with, "Catch me if you can." Not me - I Have A Minute! And I'll make the time. So the next time you need a shoulder to cry on, or a friend to talk to, come see me. Because I Have A Minute! Thank you! [ applause ] Tina Fey: Uh.. Jimmy? Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, Tina? Tina Fey: You said you have a minute? Jimmy Fallon: Yeah. Tina Fey: That was only 40 seconds. Jimmy Fallon: What? Tina Fey: You said you have a minute, but that was only 40 seconds. You have 20 seconds left to give. Jimmy Fallon: Come on, Tina.. that's just an expression! Tina Fey: Jimmy Fallon, ladies and gentlemen. In London this week, British supermodel Naomi Campbell was banned from Voyage, an exclusive members-only boutique, after shouting at staff for failing to open the door quickly enough. Apparently, Campbell had just finished eating breakfast across the street, and had to rush into a bathroom to throw up. In a recent poll, Ronald Reagan was named the greatest U.S. president of all time, surpassing Washington and Lincoln. In second place was John F. Kennedy. Abraham Licoln had to settle for third. This choice may be surprising, and controversial, as John F. Kennedy's ghost demanded a recount. The ghosts of Washington and Lincoln and Kennedy also felt that their loss was because of votes taken from them by Franklin Pierce and Chester A. Arthur. A fire struck the home of Drew Barrymore and her fiancee, Tom Green. Drew and Tom were saved from the fire when their dog, Flossie, woke them up. Tom Green honored the heroic dog by pretending to have sex with it. Mad Magazine, which has not accepted advertising since it made the conversion from a comic book to a magazine in 1955, has started accepting advertising with its most recent issue. When asked for comment, Alfred E. Neuman replied, "What, me sell out?" For two covers in a row, People Magazine highlighted the divorce of Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. Ahhhh.. so that's why they split up. Tina Fey: Now, here with a comment about the energy crisis in California, is Weekend Update Environmental Correspondent Tracy Morgan. Tracy Morgan: [ very serious and concerned ] For months, Californians have been forced to pay outrageous prices for their energy, due to unusually low energy supplies. In fact, there has been such an extreme shortage of energy, that some parts of the state have had to suffer through several enexpected rolling blackouts. Since this horrible crisis began, many solutions have been proposed, and each, in turn, has been shot down. Recently, a new energy source has been discovered that is quite abundant in California, and is cost efficient. It has been shown that Marijuana, when burned, produces more energy than natural gas and nuclear power combined, and is cheaper to harvest and put into use than any other source of energy. This new technique of burning marijuana for energy has already been put into use in California. There are marijuana harvesting and burning plants in use right now in both Yosemite and Anaheim. The plant in Yosemite not only produces enough power to supply all of Northern California, but the smoke that comes out of the plant has been shown to help vacationing campers have a more pleasant and relaxing stay. The other plant, in Anaheim, has been able to generate enough energy to supply energy to most of Southern California, and it has helped to make Disneyland truly the "happiest place on earth". The discovery of the great amounts of energy that can be generated by burning marijuana has proven to be the biggest and most important discovery of the new millenium. Not only has it solved the California energy crisis, but Marijuana has also proven to be the most cost efficient and environmentally friendly energy source known to man. [ more relaxed ] And I, being the environmentalist that I am, have decided to move to Anaheim, California, to support this new, environmentally friendly energy source. Thank you. Tina Fey: Tracy Morgan, ladies and gentlemen. Jimmy Fallon: For "Weekend Update", I'm Jimmy Fallon. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow. * NASCAR, Macy Gray, Reagan, Tom & Drew, Mad Magazine, People Magazine jokes by Tony Dumont. * Eminem, Godzilla, Barbie, Naomi Campbell jokes, "I Have A Minute" commentary by Patrick Lonergan. * Tracy Morgan commentary by McKenna Fuller. Rate or review this sketch. |
