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Ticket Seller.....Maya Rudolph Male Passenger.....Conan O'Brien Businessman.....Chris Parnell Businesswoman #1.....Ana Gasteyer Businesswoman #2.....Rachel Dratch Flight Attendant.....Tina Fey Cabdriver.....Tracy Morgan [ open to Airborne Airlines ticket counter, Ticket Seller waiting for customers. Male Passenger with luggage approaches counter. ] Ticket Seller: May I help you, Sir? Male Passenger: Round-trip to New York, please. Ticket Seller: Yes, Sir. What class? Male Passenger: First class, Champagne Coach. Ticket Seller: Very good, Sir. [ hands him his ticket ] Here's your ticket, Sir. Have a pleasant flight. [ Male Passenger walks away. Businessman and Businesswomen #1 and #2 carrying light bags approach the counter. ] Ticket Seller: Can I help you, folks? Businessman: Alright, let me see if I explain this to you. This is our situation: the three of us have to make a business trip to New York. Now, here's the tricky part: it's a business trip, but not a business expense. Businesswoman #1: Our corporation is run by tightwads. Our salary's not even as high as it should be. Businesswoman #2: They're only tight with their money where employees are concerned. Our bosses are flying their private jet to New York, but we have to catch a commercial flight up there. Ticket Seller: So, what are you trying to say? Businessman: What are the cheapest seats you have available on your 10 a.m. flight? Ticket Seller: Well, we have fourth class accomodations in the rear. $200, round-trip. Businessman: [ thinking ] Hmm.. what do you ladies think? Businesswoman #1: Too pricey. That's half a week's salary! Businessman: [ to Ticket Seller ] Anything cheaper. Businesswoman #2: We'll sit anywhere! Unless it would be more economical to stand? Ticket Seller: Well, we do have three exterior accomodations, available for $75 a head. It even comes with the in-flight meal. Businessman: $75 each, you say? In the.. cargo area, I suppose? Ticket Seller: Exterior, Sir. Outside the plane. On the left wing, as a matter of fact. Businesswoman #2: On the wing? Isn't that dangerous? Ticket Seller: There are handrails for you to hold onto. As I said, $75 each, dinner included. Businessman: [ to Businesswomen #1 and #2 ] Well, it's.. affordable. Only one time zone we have to cross.. Businesswoman #1: But, standing on the wing? Are you sure? Businessman: I think so. [ to Ticket Seller ] We'll.. we'll take them. Ticket Seller: Very good, Sir. [ reaches below counter and pulls out some sheets of paper ] Now, then, if I could just have you sign these waivers, relieving Airborne Airlines of any and all responsibility for your traveling on the wing of our plane.. Businessman: Sure. [ signs the waivers ] That's no problem. Let's go, ladies. [ the three businesspeople walk towards their flight ] [ cut to interior, Airborne Airlines airplane. Flight Attendant assists people boarding the plane. ] Male Passenger: I'd like a window seat, please. Flight Attendant: Certaanly, Sir. Right this way. [ seats him by the window ] Businessman: [ entering airplane with Businesswomen #1 and #2 ] Hi. We need a seat on the, on the wing. Flight Attendant: Oh, yes! They radioed ahead about you. Lovely accomodations, really. Right this way. [ she walks them to a door behind Male Passenger's seat, and opens it ] If you could just step through here. [ cut to exterior, airplane wing. Businesspeople step onto the wing ] Flight Attendant: As you can see, there's quite a view from this angle. Businesswoman #1: We're still on the ground, but I'm sure it's lovely from up in the sky. Businesswoman #2: The man at the counter mentioned handrails? Flight Attendant: Yes, right over here. [ indicates handrails on the side of the plane and along the wing ] Just hold on tight, and we'll be in New York in no time. Businessman: We were promised the free dinner? Flight Attendant: Yes, I'll have that ready for you at the end of our flight. Believe me, you won't want it until then. Well, good luck, and enjoy your flight. [ re-enters the airplane and closes the door behind her ] Businesswoman #2: What did she mean by "Good Luck"? Businessman: Relax. That's just something their job description requires them to say. Businesswoman #1: Well, just grab your handrails before the plane takes off. [ grabs a set of handrails next to the door ] Businesswoman #2: [ grabs handrails to Businesswoman #1's right ] We've got to be crazy for agreeing to go through with this. Businessman: [ bends down, grabs handrails attached to top side of airplane wing ] I know it's unconventional, but it was within our price range. [ cut to interior airplane, Flight Attendant addresses passengers on mini-microphone ] Flight Attendant: Attention, passengers, our flight is now preparing for take-off. Please buckle your seatbelts and have a good flight. [ walks over to intercom on wall and buzzes the passengers on the wing ] Passengers on the wing: [ cut to exterior, airplane wing, businesspeople hanging on tightly ] Voice of Flight Attendant: Our flight is now preparing for take-off. Please hold on tight to your handrails. Or, don't. It doesn't really matter. After all, you did sign those waivers, so, either way, we're not responsible. [ Sound FX: airplane taking off ] [ the businesspeople hold on tight to the handrails on the airplane's wings, but find it difficult ] Businesswoman #2: Oh, God! We should have shelled out the extra money for a seat inside the plane! Businessman: No! We made the right decision! [ Sound FX: wind picking up ] [ the hair of Businessman and Businesswoan #1 and #2 starts to flap ferociously in the wind ] Businesswoman #1: Ow! My ears are popping! Businessman: Relax! It's only a short flight! Businesswoman #1: What?! I can't hear you! The wind! Businessman: [ screaming ] I said, it's only going to be a short flight! Businesswoman #2: [ annoyed that her skirt is flapping in the wind ] My skirt keeps flapping! Make it stop! Male Passenger: I can't make it stop! I'm clutching onto the top of the wing! Just pull it down! Businesswoman #2: I can't! I'm trying to hang onto the side of the plane! Businessman: Well, leave me out of it! Businesswoman #2: Oh, for God's sake! [ she releases one hand from the handrail and attempts to pull her skirt down. As she continues to fight the wind, she loses her grip on the other handrail. ] Oh, my God!! [ she falls over the edge of the wing. ] Aaggghhhh!!! Businesswoman #1: Oh, my dear God, that was horrible!! Businessman: We're almost there! We're almost there! Businesswoman #1: [ panicking ] I can't stand it! Oh, God, I can't stand it! Businessman: [ squinting ] Just keep your eyes closed! The winds are picking up, and you don't want to lose your eyes because of it! Businesswoman #1: Oh, God! The humanity! [ cut to interior, airplane, Male Passenger at his window seat ] Male Attendant: Excuse me, Miss? [ Flight Attendant approaches ] Is there anything you can do so I don't have to look at those people hanging for dear life on the wing? Flight Attendant: Yes, Sir, I can. [ pulls the window shade down ] How's that? Male Passenger: Much better. Thank you. Oh! And could I have a pair of those headphones, so I don't have to hear them screaming out there? Thank you. [ cut to airplane landing on runway ] [ cut to passengers walking to their terminals. ] [ cut to exterior, airplane, businesspeople hanging onto the wing. Flight Attendant opens the side door to greet them. ] Flight Attendant: Good afternoon! And how was your flight? Businesswoman #1: [ crying, trying to catch her breath ] Horrible! It was the most.. awful experience of my.. life! Dear God, we lost Raquel! We lost Raquel! Businessman: [ standing up carefully ] I'm so.. dizzy.. Light of.. day.. Must get to.. meeting.. on time.. [ starts to walk in slow circles on the wing ] Flight Attendant: Are you two going to be okay? Here, we've got a cab waiting for you right over there. [ points to cab near the plane ] Businessman: Thank.. you.. [ two businesspeople slowly walk over to the cab ] Businessman: How much to get to 53rd Street? Cabdriver: 'pends on what route I take. A dollar a mile. Businesswoman #1: A dollar a mile? Businessman: Got anything lower? Cabdriver: No problem, Dog, I'll only charge you a quarter a mile if you're willing to put on a pair of roller skates and hang onto the back bumper. Businessman: [ looking at Businesswoman #1, receives the nod of approval ] Done. [ Business Man and Businesswoman #1 grab a pair of rollerskates from the back seat, put them on, then hang onto the rear bumper as the cab drives forward and off-screen to quick fade out] Rate or review this sketch. |
