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Boss.....Conan O'Brien Job Applicant.....Chris Parnell Toby.....Jimmy Fallon Eugene.....Horatio Sanz Customer.....Chris Kattan Roselita.....Maya Rudolph Granny.....Rachel Dratch Mother.....Ana Gasteyer [ open at the DMV, in the boss's office; Job Applicant is applying for a job ] Boss: I'm sorry, Ted, I'm afraid you're not DMV material. Job Applicant: What, but why? I have references, 6 years' experience at Taco Bell, 4 years at Jiffy Lube, isn't that enough for you? Boss: No, you're just not a dirty prick. Thanks for your time, now get out! [ Job Applicant leaves ] NEXT! [ Toby and Eugene walk in ] Come on, ladies, I'm growing a freakin' beard here, let's go! Siddown! [ Toby and Eugene sit down ] Toby: Uh, we read about this job in the Star-Ledger Classifieds, and.. Boss: So, you're here! Let's go, I ain't got much time! How 'bout you, tubby, where's the paperwork, huh? Eugene: They're here, jeez.. [ sighs ] Take a look. [ rudely tosses file onto Boss's desk ] [ The Boss looks over the resume ] Boss: What the hell is this crap, huh? Three hours at McDonald's? Four minutes at Toys R Us? Howd'ja manage that? Eugene: [ sarcastically ] I did such a great job helping the customers until that trailer bitch with ten kids got me fired! Toby: Yeah, Marco was tellin' me about that. He's in the joint now. He went home to fetch his sawed off shotgun, then he went back to Toys R Us and blew the manager's friggin' head off in front of everybody, man! It was wicked awesome! Boss: [ making "blah blah blah" motion with his hands ] Yadda yadda yadda, I don't give a flying FRIG! You don't have any attitude, Mr... um... [ looks at folder ] Toby Janke. Toby: [ angry ] No attitude, huh? Ya think I got no attitude? You're wrong, asshole! [ takes beer bottle out of his bag and smashes end on table ] Whatcha think now, huh? Eugene: Yeah, wanna play, homes? Huh? We weren't kidding when we said we wanted the job! Whaddaya say, huh? [ Eugene pulls out a gun ] Boss: OK, OK, I believe you! You're OK, Toby. You too, Mister... [ looks at folder ] Eugene Cisnereñitas. Let Roselita know you're with us now... Toby: Who the hell is that? Boss: Over there, smartass... [ points off camera ] [ switch camera to DMV office. Roselita is helping customers at the front desk ] Customer: Um, yeah, hi, I'm here to renew my license... I got this in the mail, and... Roselita: OK, sir, YOU are in the wrong line. That sign above my head says "front desk," the line you're supposed to be in is over there, by that sign, which reads "license renewals," OK sweetie, now move it! Customer: [ annoyed ] OK... whatever... [ leaves ] [ Toby and Eugene walk up to Roselita ] Toby: Yeah, Roselita, the boss hired us just now. He says to get the hell out of here 'cuz your shift's up. Roselita: Say whaaat? Eugene: Sí, Roselita, ¡él te llama un pinchi-puto grande que se frotas tu mamá! [ Subtitle: and he called you a big f---ing bitch who screws your own mom ] Roselita: That dirty bastard! I'm gonna rip him a new one and this time it's gonna go all the way! [ Roselita storms off screen ] Toby: Uh, OK, looks like we're in charge now. Eugene: Yeah, this is awesome, huh... Toby: We actually get to hassle people around, this is wicked! Eugene: Yeah... [ Granny walks up to counter ] Toby: Send the next customer up, you knowa Eugene: Ohh, yeah... [ chuckles ] I see... [ yells in Granny's face ] NNEEEEXXXTTTT!!! [ Granny's eyes are huge in surprise ] Granny: [ mumbling ]: Well, sir... I was... wondering... Eugene: [ yelling in Granny's face ] SPEAK UP, EVEN DEAF PEOPLE CAN'T HEAR YOU!! Granny: [ perplexed by statement ] Huh? That doesn't make sense, young man... deaf people can't hear what I'm trying to... Eugene: DO I GIVE A RAT'S HAIRY ASS IF IT MAKES SENSE? Granny: Well, um... I was wondering where to renew my license, I also need a new photograph. Toby: Well, we can't renew your license until you've given us your old one. Why don't you just hand it over so you can stop wasting my time, eh wrinkly? Granny: Here, let me check... [ goes through purse, looking for license very slowly ] Toby: [ sighs ] Oh, Jesus H, this is gonna be great... Eugene: [ impatient ] OK, LET'S SEE THE LICENSE, WE HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY HERE! CHOP CHOP! Granny: OK, just one moment please... Eugene: NOW, BEE-ATCH! Granny: [ offended ] My word! I'm going to speak with your manager! [ leaves ] Toby: Geez, what's up with her? Eugene: I dunno, but her license probably expired in, like, 1930 or something. Toby: Man, she needs to take a pill and get a bottle of Febreze, man oh man, she smelled like a horse's excretorial duct! [ wiffs air with his hand ] Eugene: Yeah, definitely, that's brutal. [ wiffs air with hand ] Toby: Next! [ Mother walks up ] Whatcha need, sister? Mother: Well, my son wants to take his driving test, and I'm here to make an appointment, so here's the application fee and... Eugene: CAN YOU READ, HUH? [ points to sign ] This little sign over here says "appointments, THAT way." Do you understand? Mother: [ annoyed ] Yes... [ looks directly at Eugene ] Hey! It's you! You're the extremely rude gentleman from the toy store who made my Timmy cry! Eugene: One in the same, lady, now get over there, there's a friggin' billion people in line! Mother: I'd like to speak with your manager... again! [ Boss walks up ] Boss: Listen, I just had a little talk with some frizzled old bag who was taking forever to get her license out. Jeez, these people are really stupid, don't ya think? Toby: Yeah, definitely. [ Mother is shocked by what she hears ] Mother: Excuse me, sir, these two gentlemen have been extremely rude to me and others. Boss: Ma'am, we can't be held responsible for your utter ignorance of the procedures here. Mother: What?! I'm apalled at how things can go on here at all! Boss: Hey, ma'am, can you read? Look, we have a sign here, OK? [ pulls out sign, shows it to Mother ] This should answer any questions. [ Boss reads what the sign says ] "If you don't like the way we do business, then get your skank ass outta here!" Mother: I can't believe this! I will move to Canada so I never have to deal with you again! [ leaves ] Boss: What's her problem? She could afford to lose that push-up bra, she's pretty flat, huh? Eugene: Man, you're right, those 45-year-old jugs are frickin' gross! Toby: Yeah, no kidding... [ fade to black ] Rate or review this sketch. |
