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Bill Clinton.....Darrell Hammond Al Gore.....Alec Baldwin Ralph Nader.....Jimmy Fallon [ shows Bill Clinton walking into his room, alone. He sits on his bed and thinks about what is happenning to him ] Bill Clinton: Why is it me? No matter where I turn I get into trouble. I leave the office and still I get into trouble. Why do I keep digging myself into these holes? [ starts to cry, then goes into his closet and pulls out his saxophone, as blues music plays in the background. Bill plays along and sings the blues. ] I just can't win, I just can't win, No matter where I go, trouble starts to grow, I just can't win. I keep getting in trouble, It always bursts my bubble, And even though I got re-elected, I just ain't gettin' respected. There's Mark Rich, that son-of-a-bitch, I got screwed while saving his ass. And my brother's in jail, because I always fail, I just can't seem to pass. My wife got elected the Senator Of a state she knows nothing about, And all of these folks make me the butt of their jokes, And that Ken Starr is such a lout. Everything goes wrong with me, It's really a sin, I guess you could say, the price I did pay Because I just cannot win! [ plays saxophone, then stops ] Hillary was right, I can't play this. I can't believe what I do for votes. I just wind up making an ass of myself, all the time. [ Al Gore enters ] Al Gore: You think you have problems? Mine are worse. I just can't win, I always lose, I can't be president, despite the money I spent, It's that damn ballot that left Florida confused. Now our president is a moron, Who can't even pronounce his own name, And the vice president's heart goes right off the chart, I keep losing in the political game. I just look like a sore loser, So why should I even grin? My troubles are the size of my wife Tipper's thighs, Like you, I just can't win. Ralph Nader: I feel your pain, Bill and Al. Bill Clinton: What are you doing here? Ralph Nader: I just wanted to drop by, as I have nowhere to go to. I also have had my share of problems recently. One day I'm a hero to consumers everywhere, the next day I'm nothing more than a loser. Those Republican brats beat out the democrats And I'm the one who gets the blame, And those democrat throats yell that I took their votes, It really is an awful shame, It's not like I was hoping to win, My popularity came and went, My prayers were irnored, there was trouble in store, I only got three, but wanted four percent. Bill, Al, and Ralph: [ singing ] Oh we, we just can't win, And it is a sorry sight, Since we're in a mess anyway, we might as well say, Live from New York - we just can't win! Rate or review this sketch. |
