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.....Alec Baldwin .....Adam McKay .....Paula Pell .....Lorne Michaels Alec Baldwin: Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen! For those of you watching at home who are trivia buffs, this is my ninth time hosting the show. [ applause from audience ] Thank you. It's been a couple of years since I last hosted, and people always ask me, "Alec, how come you don't host the show every year, like John Goodman?" Well.. I don't really know. From what I understand, John and his wife have a perfect relationship and get along very well, so I don't understand his need to get out of the house as much as I do. By all means, I should be the one hanging out backstage for half the season! Seriously, I've had a few problems at home lately, and it's no laughing matter, believe me. I'm a bit of a control freak, and it does attest to the reason why I don't host more often. In fact, I'd like to show you some behind-the-scenes footage of this week's writer's meeting, to highlight exactly what I'm talking about. [ fade out to writer's meeting, Alec surrounded by members of the writing staff ] Adam McKay: Hello, Mr. Baldwin, good to have you back, Sir! Alec Baldwin: Thank you...? Adam McKay: Oh. Adam McKay! You remember me! Alec Baldwin: Are you the one that does those short films that are never funny? Adam McKay: Uh.. well, I.. uh, I think they're funny.. Alec Baldwin: I'm sure you do. Listen, I don't want to star in any of your short films, alright? Adam McKay: Oh, no, Sir! I've got something much better than that! Alec Baldwin: Uh-huh. And what would that be? Adam McKay: Oh, it's a parody of the "Hannibal" movie. You play Hannibal Lecter, only it's set on Daytona Beach, where you'll be eating half-naked college girls. It's called "Tannable". You get it? Because it's time for Spring Break? Alec Baldwin: You're joking with me, right, son? Adam McKay: Oh, no, Sir! I wrote this all by myself, I'm very proud of it. Alec Baldwin: Forget it, I'm not doing it. Adam McKay: But, Sir! I spent all week writing this! At least read it! Alec Baldwin: I don't have time for this. Adam McKay: But, Sir! Alec Baldwin: Get out of my face! [ punches Adam in the stomach, slams him to the ground, then walks away ] Go work for M-TV, where you belong.. [ Paula Pell runs towards Alec ] Paula Pell: Mr. Baldwin! Welcome back! Alec Baldwin: Who are you? Paula Pell: I'm Paula Pell. I play fake audience members during the monologue. Alec Baldwin: Alright, what do you have for me? Paula Pell: Well, Sir, I took it upon myself to notice that you've never starred in a Mango sketch. Alec Baldwin: Nor will I ever. Paula Pell: Well, Mr. Baldwin, if you could just look at the preliminary sketch I wrote, I'm sure you'll find it very funny! You see, you'll be playing Mango's mentor, the man who taught him everything he knows about strip club dancing. Alec Baldwin: I'm not doing a Mango sketch. Paula Pell: Please, Sir, just read it and tell me what you think.. Alec Baldwin: I already told you what I think! Paula Pell: But, Sir.. Alec Baldwin: I said I'm not doing a Mango sketch!! [ punhes Paula in the face, knocking her to the ground ] Lorne Michaels: [ stepping forward, a highball in his hand ] Alec, is there a problem? Alec Baldwin: Lorne, your writing staff just isn't trying! Lorne Michaels: Well, they are in the midst of a strike.. Alec Baldwin: Yes, but I'm used to doing classic sketches! Remember "Greenhilly"? "Bill Brasky"? "Schweddy Balls"? Lorne Michaels: Fans loved those sketches. And here's a new one they're going to love just as much. [ holds up script ] Alec Baldwin: Lorne! Thank God! You've come through for me again! What is it? Lorne Michaels: It's called "Tannable". You play Hannibal Lecter as Frankie Avalon eating college girls on the beach. It's Spring Break, the high school audience will love it. Alec Baldwin: Adam McKay already showed me this! Lorne Michaels: [ fuming ] McKay?! I'm going to destroy that simpleton! Well, anyway, I'm sure my version is better - read it, Alec. Alec Baldwin: No, Lorne, it's a poorly-developed concept. Lorne Michaels: You don't know that until you've read it. Alec Baldwin: Lorne, no.. Lorne Michaels: Come on, Alec. Alec Baldwin: I said NO!! [ KOs Lorne in the nose, sending him flying ] [ close-up of Lorne with Xs in his eyes and cartoon birds flying in circles around his head ] [ fade back to Alec at Home Base ] Alec Baldwin: [ smiling ] It started rough, but we finally got our acts together and came up with some great sketches. So, obviously, we have a great show. Coldplay is here, and we'll be right back! Rate or review this sketch. |
