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Sharon.....Ana Gasteyer Ted.....Will Ferrell Steve.....Alec Baldwin Russell.....Chris Parnell Sharon: [ smiling ] Hey, Ted! I didn't know you were back at work! Ted: Yeah, I got back yesterday, Sharon. Sharon: So.. how's that new baby? Ted: Oh, she's beautiful! Here, let me show you a picture! [ opens wallet to show picture ] Sharon: Ohhh.. she's just the most adorable thing I've ever seen. You and Mary must be proud. Ted: We certainly are. Sharon: Well, that is just terrific! Ted: Thanks! [ turns his seat around ] Hey, Steve, have I shown you a picture of my little girl? Steve: [ disgusted, throws his pen down ] Yes, Ted, I believe you have! You showed me yesterday morning when you first walked through the door, then later during lunch, and one last time before I left work yesterday evening. Quite frankly, I'm a little sick and tired of looking at your "precious" little girl. You act like you're the first person that ever had a baby, and I'm fed up with your constant gloating! Ted: [ shocked by the outburst ] Gee.. what's your problem? Ted: I'm not the one with the problem. [ returns to his work ] Sharon: [ whispers to Ted ] Steve doesn't have any kids. Steve: [ more disgusted ] That's right, Sharon! Let's discuss my personal life! I don't have any kids! You don't think I'd like to have one! Ted: Well, you're married, aren't you, Steve? Steve: Yes, I am. Sharon: [ whispers to Ted ] His wife's barren.. Steve: [ further disgusted, slams his pen on his desk ] Well, thank you, Miss Nose Up My Ass! Sharon: I'm sorry, Steve.. but it's nothing to be ashamed of. Ted: No, it's my fault. I didn't know, Steve. I wasn't trying to gloat. I had no idea. Steve: [ angry ] I have a penis! Ted: Uh.. yeah.. so do I. Steve: It works! Ted: I'm not saying it doesn't.. mine.. Steve: Oh, I know yours works! I've seen the evidence, in that "cutesy-wutesy" picture you keep throwing around! Ted: Hey, I said I was sorry.. Steve: [ stands ] You think you're the only one who has pictures to pass around? You want pictures? Here, let me show you my pride and joy! [ takes out his wallet, opens it, and holds it in front of Ted and Sharon ] Have I ever shown you a picture of my penis?! Sharon: Okay, that is out of line! Ted: Yeah, Steve, this is really getting out of hand.. Steve: You think so? You don't seem to have any qualms about showing off a picture of your wrinkly newborn! Ted: That's my daughter you're talking about..! Steve: [ holding up the picture ] Look closely at this picture, Ted! Does my penis look wrinkly to you? No! It's standing firm and tall! The way a penis is supposed to look! Sharon: Okay, this has really gone too far! Steve: [ sits at his desk ] I'm sorry.. This is not an easy thing to live down. It's hard enough on a man when he can't reproduce. But it's even harder when his wife carries the burden.. because, as much as you love her, you wish your life could somehow be different. Sharon: [ pats Steve's shoulder ] It's okay, Steve. Maybe you and Leslie could adopt. Steve: Maybe. But it wouldn't be the same. I guess that.. my little man.. is all I've got to show for myself.. [ Russell walks in ] Russell: Hey, Ted! I heard you've been back since yesterday! How's Mary and the baby doing? Ted: Oh.. they're fine. Russell: Great! Hey, you wouldn't happen to have a picture of your new daughter, would you? Ted: Uh.. no, I.. don't have any with me right now.. maybe after work.. Russell: Sounds good! Steve: Russell. Come here. [ Russell moves closer ] I don't suppose you'd be interested in seeing a picture of my.. penis.. would you? Russell: [ curious ] Sure. Why not? Steve: [ holds up his wallet, beaming with pride ] Ever see anything more beautiful? Russell: Looks nice.. not bad at all.. Steve: Thanks! [ zoom out to fade ] Rate or review this sketch. |
