|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Tammy McGillicuddy.....Maya Rudolph Brad Miller.....Chris Parnell Susan Davis.....Renee Zelwegger Nathan Farrell.....Will Ferrell Brenda Gale.....Tina Fey [ open on newsreel footage of death and destruction in the streets ] Voiceover: After many years of uncertainty, the apocalypse finally took place today, leaving death and destruction everywhere. That story, plus the Pet of the Week, on tonight's six o'clock news. Announcer: From Anytown, U.S.A., it's the six o'clock news with anchorwoman Tammy McGillicuddy. With reporter Brad Miller, and meteorologist Brenda Gale. Now, with your six o'clock news update, Tammy McGillicuddy. Tammy McGillicuddy: [ chipper ] Good evening! I'm Tammy McGillicuddy. Tragedy struck this afternoon, as the world officially came to an end, marking the arrival of the long-awaited apocalypse. The lives of an entire world were perished, and civilization as we know it, it is over. Reporter Brad Miller is out on the street with a live report. Brad? Brad Miller: [ on a dark street ] Tammy, it is awful! There is nothing left out here! My sources inform me that the end of the world as we know it took place around two o'clock this afternoon, just four short hours ago. Within five minutes, all the damage had been done. Tammy McGillicuddy: Brad, are there any survivors? Brad Miller: Not yet, Tammy! But, as you can clearly see, it's too dark out here to see anything. A wire report indicates that the sun exploded and disintegrated shortly after the earth's atmosphere began to overheat. [ starts to cry ] It's so terrible, Tammy.. I've never seen anything like it.. oh.. the humanity..! Tammy McGillicuddy: Thank you, Brad. I understand that we've made available a list of emergency phone numbers for our viewers to call if they need help in the wake of this apocalypse. If you need assistance from the Fire Department, they have their lines set up at 555-3473. Also, there is an evacuation center open tonight, on the corner of 33rd and Pine in midtown. They're predicting a huge crowd tonight, so be sure to get there as early as possible if you need a place to stay for tonight. Now, let's go to Susan Davis with our Pet of the Week. Susan? Susan Davis: [ trying to suppress her tears as she holds a dead puppy in her arms ] Tammy, our Pet of the Week is Snapper.. a cute little baby beagle.. and he's dead! [ cries ] I was keeping my eye on him as I.. let him run loose in the field behind the sta- ..station this afternoon.. until I ran inside to talk to the station manager.. When I returned, the apocalypse had passed, and.. so did Sna-a-apper! I found his limp body resting in the crook.. crook of an oak tree which had fallen in the middle of the field.. [ cries harder ] This is such a.. a tragedy! Tammy McGillicuddy: Susan, let me just offer my condolences for the loss of poor Snapper. I saw him in the studio earlier today, and I agree, he was a cute little puppy. I'm sure any number of our viewers would have loved to have adopted him. [ pause ] Well, now's the time on our newscast when Home Repair expert Nathan Farrell shows us how to take better care of our homes. Nate, what's on today's repair list? Nathan Farrell: [ in his workshop set ] Tammy, originally I was going to show our viewers how to build their very own indoor patio. But in light of today's apocalypse, I've decided to show them how to salvage their homes instead. First of all, if you're watching us right now, then you obviously still have electricity. Okay, that's good. But.. you may detect that your gas appliances are not working properly, and yes, that smell you've been asking the other members of your family about is definitely a gas leak. But that's easy to fix. Shut off all your gas valves, then call your Gas & Electric Company first thing in the morning. Now, the second and last thing I'd like to talk to you about is not as bad as it sounds. Two words: Infra and Structure. That's right. Infrastructure! If your house is still standing, that's fine. But if one or more walls of your house have toppled today, you might want to move to an area that can withstand the blow of an apocalypse or other natural disasters. With Home Repairs, I'm Nathan Farrell. Tammy? Tammy McGillicuddy: Thank you, Nathan, you've been very helpful. Well, do you have big plans for the weekend? Here to give us the forecast is meteorologist Brenda Gale. Brenda Gale: This weekend's weather outlook is far from good, Tammy. Let's take a look at our map. [ stands in front of map ] We have massive electron storm clouds rolling through our city the next couple of weeks, a likely aftermath following today's apocalypse. The explosion of the sun has depleted our problem with the ozone layer, but those of you on the beach should avoid lying too close to the shore since our tidal forecast indicates hurricane-force waves will be a mainstay. I would also like to caution everyone to remain indoors for.. about the next week-and-a-half or so.. since our Doppler Radar predicts a week-long acid rainfall will start pouring down sometime tonight. Tomorrow's low will be about 600 degrees below zero, with the afternoon high predicted at 500 degrees under. That's the weekend forecast, back to you, Tammy! Tammy McGillicuddy: Looks like it's going to a dreary weekend. That's a shame, too, because my husband had tickets to tonight's hockey game. I guess we'll just have to watch that on TV instead. Before we close tonight's newscast, I would like to say that all of us here will continue to report on the apocalypse as long as developments are made in this story. Again, that number for the Fire Department is 555-3473; and there's an evacuation center on the corner of 33rd and Pine - try to get there before that acid rain starts to fall.. [ group of zombies suddenly enter the news studio ] And it seems that we are now being invaded by the living dead.. I'd like to report more on that, but our six o'clock newscast is drawing to a close. Tune in tonight at ten o'clock for all the latest on the apocalyspe. Good night. [ rises from her chair and attempts to back away from the zombies ] [ fade to news logo, and close ] Rate or review this sketch. |
