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Bill Dance.....Will Ferrell Courier.....Jerry Minor Big Fish.....Horatio Sanz Little Fish.....Darrell Hammond [ open on shot of Bill Dance and another guy fishing out of a bass boat, they catch a few fish and drink Budweiser beer ] [ dissolve to shot of the boat sprinting back to the dock, as the show comes to a close ] [ dissolve to Bill Dance driving home for the evening ] [ dissolve to Bill Dance entering his living room from the right side of the stage ] [ Bill checks his answering machine ] Voice on Answering Machine: Remember Lake Okochobee, hotshot? Well we ain't forgot you!! [ hang up ] Bill Dance: What the hell..? Lake Okochobee, Florida? I've fished it a couple hundred times I know, but what's this.. [ phone rings ] Hello...hello..? [ hangs up phone ] [ a knock at the door; Bill opens door ] Courier: Fruit basket, compliments of the "Lake Okochobee Bass Anglers Association". Bill Dance: [ signs for it ] Thank you. [ Bill takes an apple from the basket, and takes a bite. When he does, a string attached to it jerks Bill by the jaw and drags him to the floor. Then a guy in a fish costume busts through the window with a huge net with a long handle. The door opens, and another fish has a fishing rod playing Bill in. ] Big Fish: That's it! Play him! Give him some slack... I bet he goes 2-220. Bill Dance: I weigh 198, you bast...aaagh! [ the fish rough Bill up real good, then throw him in the livewell they have on the back of their truck ] [ dissolve to the two fish enjoying a smoke as they head down the road, with Bill's theme music playing in the background ] Big Fish: [ dials cell phone ] Yeah, Rebel Lure Company... I'd like to speak to the president... [ pause ] Yes, are you the owner of this company? You guys sponsor Dance, huh? Makes a lot of cash for ya', does he? Great... Listen.. if you want him alive, we want one million dollars transferred in small bills, and 30 pounds of Red Shad delivered to Dock 16 in Long Island at 3 a.m. Tuesday morning, got it?.. No funny business, or Dance sleeps with us... I mean, he sleeps with the fishes.. hold a sec.. other line.. [ answers other line ] Yeah?.. Oh, yeah?.. Great! We'll be right there! [ back to line 1 ] Gotta go.. Tuesday morning.. Little Fish: What is it? Big Fish: Looks like Dance is gettin' some company. Some deer friends of ours just shot Charlton Heston in the ass. We're meeting them on the other neck of the woods in twenty minutes. [ the two Fish laugh ] [ cut to rear shot of truck driving off, Bill flopping in the bed of the truck as the two fish throw their beer cans out the truck and laugh ] [ fade to black ] Rate or review this sketch. |
