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Cindy Townsend.....Renee Zelwegger Matthew Lyons.....Chris Parnell Roger Lyons.....Horatio Sanz Cindy Townsend: Good afternoon! I'm Cindy Townsend, and welcome to "Community Outlook", the public access program that highlights the achievements of local citizens. Tonight's guest is active in cleaning up the filth in our city. Please welcome Matthew Lyons. Matthew Lyons: Thank you, Cindy. It's a pleasure to be here. Cindy Townsend: Now, when you say you're cleaning up the filth in our city, what are you targetting specifically? Pornography? Drugs? Matthew Lyons: Well, pornography is probably the closest example. Cindy Townsend: What do you mean? Matthew Lyons: Well.. take us, for example. You and I are two decent, intelligent people, right. Cindy Townsend: So far, sure. Matthew Lyons: And we're dressed from head to toe. Cindy Townsend: I don't see where you're going with this.. Matthew Lyons: Cindy, what I'm trying to do, is bring an end to the latent animal nudity that has stricken our community. Cindy Townsend: Animal nudity? Matthew Lyons: Yes. For example, I took my kids to the city zoo last Sunday, and I was disturbed by the number of animals who were casually walking around in the nude! Cindy Townsend: They're supposed to be nude! Matthew Lyons: Well, I don't like it! We were by the gorilla cage, and those horrid beasts were straddling the bars of their cages, rocking up and down, their johnsons poking in and out of the bars! I don't want my children being exposed to that kind of filth! Cindy Townsend: Just for the sake of curiosity, Mr. Lyons, what is it that you're planning to do about this problem? Matthew Lyons: Well, Cindy, I've funded a new program called "Diapers For Animals", in which I'll be enlisting volunteers to join me in my crusade to put diapers on all naked animals in our urban jungle! Cindy Townsend: Do you think that will work? Matthew Lyons: Why don't we ask my brother, Roger, whom I put on patrol at a nearby cattle ranch this morning. Roger? [ Roger enters, face and body covered in bandages ] Roger Lyons: Hey, man. Cindy Townsend: Good Lord! What happened to you? Roger Lyons: I've been putting diapers on cows. Matthew Lyons: Did you cover all their genitalia? Roger Lyons: Almost, man. I had the diaper around one of his legs, but before I could get it around the other leg, that freakin' cow kicked me right between the eyes! Cindy Townsend: Are you okay? Roger Lyons: I've been better. Lucky for me, I was carryin' my pistol, so I shot the cow repeatedly until I killed it. Even shot off his genitals - you know, to make a statement! Nobody kicks Roger Lyons in the face and lives to brag about it! [ laughs, coughs raggedly ] Matthew Lyons: Well, that will teach those animals to run around naked. Roger Lyons: Yeah. By the way, man, we're having steak for dinner tonight. Home-cooked! [ laughs, coughs ] Cindy Townsend: Well, that's all the time we have for "Community Outlook" today. Join us again tomorrow, when our guest will be ethnic subway singers. Have a pleasant evening. Rate or review this sketch. |
