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Mario Lanza.....Horatio Sanz Mark Polishuk.....Chris Parnell Jordan Davidson.....Will Ferrell Mikintosh.....Chris Kattan Baby Cindi.....Maya Rudolph Off Da Heezy.....Tracy Morgan James Rogaisson.....Rachel Dratch Sean Bradley.....Jimmy Fallon [ open at a hotel dinner party ] Mario: [ at podium, taps glass to get everyone's attention] OK, well, I'd like to welcome you guys to the SNL reviewers' party. Um, I'm Mario Lanza, and before I get started, congratulations to the SNL Survivor winner, Mark Polishuk! [ claps; Mark stands up ] Mark: Thanks, eh. Um, sorry Jordan for sending you away first. [ sits down ] Mario: Yeah, I just remembered that Mikintosh and I are the only ones here that aren't from back east. It's too damn cold here in Toronto! I'm a friggin' icicle. Anyway, we have a few items here. [ picks up paper ] First of all, Sean Bradley will not be arriving here because he got lost on the way up here and his car broke down in Atlantic City. Jordan: [stands ] Yeah, my ass his car broke down! Mario: OK, so he's not here because he's getting some. Let's move on. Mikintosh is also here, he's the youngest reviewer we have. [ Mikintosh stands up ] Mikintosh: Yeah, I may be the youngest by age, but as you all know, there are some here who act younger than me. on purpose. [ everyone agrees ] Baby Cindi: Yeah, I know exactly who those two are. Boy, they're retards! Mario: Now, I'd like to read to you some of the best episode reviews we've had. oh, crap. [ looks through papers ] Well, it looks like I've lost 'em, so I'll go to my car. Late! [ Mario leaves ] Mark: I don't think mine or Jordan's will be in there, unless they cut out that stuff at the beginning. Jordan: Well, they should get a good laugh or two from your "Aftershuks." [ both of them laugh awkwardly at their inside joke ] [ suddenly, Mario comes back into the party ] Mario: OH CRAP, EVERYBODY, THIS GUY'S GOT A GUN! He's chasing me in here! [ everyone screams and ducks under the tables; Off Da Heezy enters ] Off Da Heezy: Yo, where you at, boy? I'm - a - cap yo ass, be-otch! Mario: Don't hurt us! Please! [ looks at gun ] Hey, that's a toy gun, isn't it. Off Da Heezy: Aw, snap, kid, you really f***ing wit' the wrong brother! Mario: Just get lost, please, and I won't insult you. Off Da Heezy: Yo, I wit it, as long as my home dawg white boy can chill wit' yous. Jordan: Oh, no, um. who are we talking about. Sheezy P? Mikintosh: Or Q-Dawg? Off Da Heezy: No, bitch, they ain' down wit' me. Sheezy be clownin' on my homeys, he one messed up mother f***a. Mario: OK, home skillet, just send whoever the hell you're talking about in here! Off Da Heezy: Whatever, yo. [ turns to door ] Yo, J-Dawg, Shawny B! Git yo white asses in heres! Both of yous! Jordan: There's two of them? Off Da Heezy: Yeah, one of them y'all cool wit, although he be one lazy ass mofo! [ Sean Bradley walks in with Jamie Rogaisson (who looks like a little kid) ] Sean: Hey, whats up, guys? Mikintosh: Sean, you're here? We all thought you were in Atlantic City scoring some big money! Sean: Actually, I was talking to one of Off Da Heezy's hos, and then he saw me and beat the living bejesus out of me, then he stuffed me in the trunk of his Lincoln Continental and now I'm here! James: Yeah, you guys are retards! Big retards with no brains! Retards, retards, retards, retards, retards. [ continues ] Mark: [ astonished ] Oh my God. that's not who I think it is, is it? Jordan: Actually, I kinda knew Jamie Rogaisson was just some hateful junior high schooler. James: ..retards, retards. HEY, what's wrong with that, huh? Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch. [ turns to Sean and yells in his face ] BITCH, YOU'RE A BITCH BITCH BITCH! BI-I-I-I-I-TCH!!! Sean: Well, you could come up with something original to say. James: Um. uh. Mikintosh: See? [ makes quote gestures ] "J-Rodg" looks like a total retard, yet he claims to be a 25-year old from Georgia. James: I'm gonna kick your sh** ass little head in, you **** ***** ******! [ rushes Mikintosh and starts pulling his hair ] Mikintosh: Hey, that hurts! [ pushes off James and shoves him a little bit ] James: [ falls onto the ground ] Oh my God! You physically hurt me! You can eat my crap, OK? Eat my crap! My crap, crap crap crap crap. Mark: I hate you! Shut up you bastard! [ punches James to the ground ] [ Jordan, Mark, and Mikintosh start to kick James, a la Nicotrel ] Off Da Heezy: Oh snap, dawg, you on your own! [ leaves ] Mikintosh: Oh yeah, how's this for eating crap? [ picks up James and throws "him" through window ] Mark: [ looks out of broken window ] Wow, looks like he's knocked out cold! Jordan: Glad that's over. anyway, where were we. [ fade out ] Rate or review this sketch. |
