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Sandy Abernathy.....Maya Rudolph Sean Connery.....Darrell Hammond Roger Moore.....Pierce Brosnan Timothy Dalton.....Jimmy Fallon Pierce Brosnan.....Chris Parnell [ Music Open: "Hollywood Nights", Bob Segar ] Sandy Abernathy: Good evening, and welcome to "Actors", the forum where top actors discuss their top careers within these famed Hollywood hills. I'm your host, Sandy Abernathy, and my guests tonight are the men who've portrayed Bond, James Bond, in a total of 19 major motion pictures. To my left is the original Bond, Sean Connery. Sean Connery: Good evening, Sandy! Sandy Abernathy: Seated next to Mr. Connery is James Bond #3, Roger Moore. Roger Moore: [ wearing a bathrobe and brandishing a pipe ] Hello, darling! Sandy Abernathy: [ googly-eyed ] Hello, yourself! [ regains composure ] Next to.. [ sighs happily ] ..Roger.. is Timothy Dolby. Timothy Dalton: Dalton. Timothy Dalton. Sandy Abernathy: Are you sure? My cards say "Dolby". Timothy Dalton: I'm positive. I'll show you my driver's license, if you need proof.. Sandy Abernathy: No, no.. I'll take your word for it. Next to him, we have the current-reigning 007, Pierce Brosnan. Pierce Brosnan: I am the man! Sandy Abernathy: Yes, you are, Mr. Brosnan. Absent from our forum, is actor George Lazenby, who gave a one-time portrayal as James Bond in the 1969 film "On Her Majesty's Secret Service". Mr. Lazenby would have liked to have been here today, but, unfortunately, Mr. Connery refused to give him the afternoon off from working in his garden. Sean Connery: My garden is far more important than this forum! My azaelas are in full bloom right now, thanks to George! Roger Moore: Perhaps George could trim some of that shrubbery around your face, Sean! [ laughs ] Sean Connery: [ peeved ] You'll address me only as Sir Connery, you hack actor! Roger Moore: [ blowing smoke rings ] I'll consider that, Sean.. but only if you address me as Turk Thrust II. Sean Connery: [ enraged ] I said don't call me "Sean"! Don't you understand English?! Why don't you listen to me.. [ jumps up ] ..when I'm talking.. [ grabs his chair, lifts it over his head ] ..to you?!! [ smashes chair in front of Roger Moore's feet ] Sandy Abernathy: [ to stagehand ] Uh.. could we have a fresh chair for Mr. Connery? [ stagehand brings a new chair for Sean Connery ] Thanks. Now, Mr. Connery, you raise an interesting point. As displayed in the title of George Lazenby's film, James Bond is also a Knight of England, correct? Sean Connery: You're a filthy whore! Sandy Abernathy: Mr. Connery, I'm afraid that's besides the point! Timothy Dalton: I'd like to answer that question, Sandy. Sandy Abernathy: Excuse me, sir, but we're not taking questions from the audience. Timothy Dalton: But you don't have an audience. I'm Timothy Dalton. I played James Bond in "The Living Daylights" and "License To Kill". Pierce Brosnan: Don't worry, Sandy. I relieved him of that burdon in 1995. Roger Moore: [ biting his pipe ] He's a cute boy. A cute boy. Not too remarkable in "Mars Attacks!", but he rebounded quite nicely with "Tomorrow Never Dies". Sandy Abernathy: [ fixed gaze on Roger ] Well, thank you for your kind words, Roger! Now, guys, your favorite James Bond movie, and why? [ batting eyes again ] Roger? Roger Moore: I have a certain penchance for my first Bond film, "Live And Let Die". On one hand, I enjoy the sound of Paul McCartney and Wings, but I also get a thrill knowing that my character had marathon sex with Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. Sean Connery: [ outraged ] There's only one Medicine Man in this room, and that's me! Roger Moore: I'm not quite so sure Viagra counts as medicine at your age, old man. Pierce Brosnan: Look, guys, let's forget about James Bond for a while, and, instead, discuss my new movie, "Tailor of Panama". Sean Connery: Oh, put a sock in it, Brosnan! You and your fancy special effects have distracted from the true essence of the James Bond character! More intrigue, less flash! Sandy Abernathy: [ excited ] Now we're getting somewhere! A true cinematic discussion! Roger Moore: I should point out, Sandy, that Sean's no stranger himself to special effects in James Bond movies. How about Ursula Andress in "Dr. No"? Silicon, I believe. Rumor has it that you can still make out his teethmarks on her bustline. Sean Connery: I've had it, Moore! It's time I got rid of you once and for all! Roger Moore: [ curious ] And just how do you propose to do that, Mr. Connery? Sean Connery: [ walks Roger Moore to the back of the set where there's a switch on the wall ] You see this switch, Mr. Moore? When I pull it toward me, it will activate that grapple hanging from the ceiling, which will then lower itself until its claws are level with the back of your shirt collar. Then.. [ presses button below the switch, which opens a hole in the studio floor ] ..the claw will hold you in its grasp and drag you across the floor until you're dangling above this lava pit, whereupon you will be released and dropped to your burning death. Roger Moore: Very crafty, rather ingenius of you to go to those lengths to get rid of me when it would have been far simpler to just do this.. [ karate chops Sean Connery with left leg, then uses right leg to push him into the open lava pit ] Sean Connery: [ as he falls ] Aaaagggghhhh!! Curse you, Moorrrrrrrre! Roger Moore: [ dusting off his jacket ] I don't think he'll be bothering us anymore. [ returns to main set ] Miss Abernathy, might you be interested in joining myself, and Dalton and Brosnan, backstage for a private undercover operation? Pierce Brosnan: [ jumping up ] You can count on me, 007! Roger Moore: [ to Timothy Dalton ] And you, 007? Timothy Dalton: Sure, why not? I have the afternoon free. [ stands ] Sandy Abernathy: What the heck - after all, "You Only Live Twice"! [ laughs ] Roger Moore: Do me a favor, darling. Don't talk. It's not a requirement. [ the three Bond actors circle Sandy as the title graphic appears on the screen ] [ Music Out: "Hollywood Nights" ] [ fade to black ] Rate or review this sketch. |
