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Al Gore.....Darrell Hammond Tipper Gore.....Ana Gasteyer Bill Clinton.....Darrell Hammond [ Pan from outside house shot to basement shot where Al Gore sits wearing undershirt and boxer shorts, sitting back on a lazyboy recliner eating Rocky Road ice cream from a half gallon tub while watching TV. ] Al Gore: Ha ha. Rot in hell you texan bitch! 4 to 3, even those morons in Florida couldn't have screwed that one up. Heh heh heh. [ enter Tipper ] Hey Tipper honey. Guess what? Tipper Gore: What is it Al? Al Gore: That Texan ass lost! Go Tennessee!! Tipper Gore: First of all, Colby seemed like a fine young man. You shouldn't discriminate against him just because he happens to be from Texas. There're not all bad. And second of all this is the fifth time you watched this. Don't you think you should go out and do something... like maybe look for work? Al Gore: I looked through the paper dear. See, not one opening for a position as President of the United States. Tipper Gore: Why not try looking for another teaching job. Al Gore: I don't want to go back there. They make fun of me, dear. They call me Gore the Snore. Or Gore the Bore. Or Gore the stupid crybaby... which doesn't even rhyme. I can't go back there. I won't. Tipper Gore: Alright, fine, but you have to... [ doorbell rings, door heard opening upstairs ] Bill Clinton: Hello, is anybody there? Al Gore: Omigoodness. It's Bill. Quick Tipper, where are my pants? [ Gore gets up, puts ice cream under recliner, drops footrest and then looks around for his pants ] Tipper Gore: How am I supposed to know? [ enter Clinton ] Bill Clinton: Whoa, sorry about that was I interupting something? [ checks out Tipper ] Al Gore: Uh, no, not at all, Bill. Good to see you again. Bill Clinton: Geez man, you look like hell. What's that smell...is that Rocky Road? I know that smell anywhere. Under the recliner right? Man, that's the first place they look. Mind if I have some. Al Gore: No, sir. What's mine is yours. [ Bill winks at Tipper and does that biting of the lower lip thing ] Tipper Gore: If you'll excuse me... Bill Clinton: Yeah, I used to have Rocky Road all the time in the White House. It was me and Monica's favorite. She'd usually end up getting it all over herself. I used to joke that she needed a Lobster bib when she ate...would have saved me a world of pain... sloppy bitch ...but anyways, Al, how's it going? Al Gore: Fine. I just finished teaching at the university... Bill Clinton: I know, I know, cut the crap, Al. How are you doing? Al Gore: Well...I... Bill Clinton: You're in the dumps and so you're turning towards food. I hear you, brother, but Al, you gotta snap out of it. If not, you're gonna find yourself waking up to Richard Simmons greasing you down so he can squeeze you out of the doorway and haul your ass off to his fat compound. Next thing you know, you're gonna end up crying like a woman on Oprah. I don't want to see that happen. If you need me I'm there for you. And I brought you this gift to try and cheer you up. Al Gore: Why thank you. Let me see here.. [ opens gift ] Bill Clinton: Yeah, it's that picture from the White House hall that you like so much. You remember the White House, right? Ha ha, just kidding, buddy, so what do you think? Al Gore: Well, it's lovely...thank you, sir...but.. Bill Clinton: Don't worry about it...plenty more where that came from... Al Gore: I appreciate the gesture, Bill, but... Bill Clinton: Listen, I know we haven't talked for awhile, but I want you to know that I still consider you a close personal friend despite everything that's gone on. Al Gore: Well, that means a lot to me, Bill. You know there is so much I want to talk to you about... [ cell phone rings ] Bill Clinton: One second.. [ into phone ] Huh, yeah, over at Fred's, yeah alright, is he gonna have, oh really, sounds great, his wife is wearing what, oh she knows that drives me crazy. Ha ha alright, I'll be right there. Look Al, I gotta go. Take care of yourself and remember there's nothing wrong with having Bush in the White House...if you know what I mean. Ha ha, hey is this one of those collector spoons? Al Gore: Yes, it's got Florida on the top... Bill Clinton: Oh man, that is sweet. Al Gore: You can have it if you want. Bill Clinton: Thanks Al. I gotta go. See ya. Take care of Al for me. [ Bill puts Rocky Road on recliner and gives Al a hug before going up the stairs. Runs into Tipper as she is coming down the stairs with a pair of Al's pants. ] Al Gore: Oh well... [ takes pants from Tipper holds them in his hands then sits down on Rocky Road carton. Grimaces but stays seated. ] Tipper Gore: Al, you're sitting in... Al Gore: I know. It's gonna end up going there anyways... Tipper Gore: Geez you're pathetic.. [ Lifts up footrest turns on TV ] Al Gore: Tina, Tina, Colby, Colby, Colby, Tina, Tina...ahhhhh [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch. |
