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Ben.....Chris Kattan
[ open on Ben the Cashier working Lane 8 of the checkout line ] Ben: [ quickly and cheerfully ] Hello! Welcome to Super Duper Mongos! Find everything alright? [ starts scanning items ] Customer #1: Yes, thank you. [ Ben continues to make small talk very cheerfully until he gets to the catfood ] Ben: Oh, have a cat? Customer #1: Yes, two of them as a matter of fact. Ben: [ still cheery ] I used to have a cat, but it got hit by a Volvo last month and died. Customer #1: Oh, I'm so sorry. That's so sad. [ showing remorse ] Ben: [ pauses from scanning items ] Not really. I still have him. I cleaned him up and he's perfect. He just lies around all day. Customer #1: You had him stuffed? Ben: Nope. Just cleaned him a bit and reset his legs, the ones I could save… Customer #1: [ frightened ] You have a dead cat in your house?! Ben: Yeah, he's wonderful! He doesn't cry in my ear anymore. I don't have to buy catfood like you, he always sleeps at my feet now, and he doesn't go to the bathroom so I don't have to buy this either [ as he scans large bag of kitty litter ]. Customer #1: [ looking horrified ] That is disgusting! Ben: Not really. Well, I guess his shedding is sort of disgusting. Actually it just falls out. I can see his bones in some spots. Also, he doesn't have his eyes anymore. A crow picked those out when I set him outside to enjoy the sun. [ remaining cheery and upbeat ] Your total is $29.87, will that be check, cash, or credit? Customer #1: [ hands $30 to BEN ] You are sick, keep the change, I'm leaving! Ben: [ cheery as always as he hands over receipt ] Okay! Here's your receipt; hope your cat dies soon. Thank you for shopping Super Duper Mongos. Have a nice day and come back again. [ Next customer approaches, a woman who has just one item---Vagifoam yeast infection cream ] Ben: Hello! Welcome to Super Duper Mongos. Find everything alright? Customer #2: [ in a hurry ] Yes. Ben: [ as he scans the product ] OK, your total will be $4.03, will that be check, cash, or credit? Customer #2: Wasn't that product $3.00, the sign said it was on sale for $3? Ben: Well, the machine says $4.00 and machine is always right, but we here at Super Duper Mongos care about our customers so I can do a price check for you. Customer #2: [ slightly embarrassed ] Oh no, that's not necessary. Ben: [ happy to help ] It's no problem, what's your name? Customer #2: Susan…why? Ben: Store policy. Last name? Customer #2: Jacobs. I don't understand. Why do you- Ben: [ cuts her off mid-sentence to get on PA to do a price check ] Koop, I need a price check on Vagifoam for a Susan Jacobs. That's Vagifoam yeast infection cream for Susan Jacobs. [ To Susan ] Don't worry Koop is the best, he will get to the bottom of this. Customer #2: [ red and extremely embarrassed ] Really, I will just pay $4.03 and get going. Ben: Nonsense, here at Super Duper Mongos we care so much we don't allow our customers to ever overpay! Koop: [ on PA system ] What size of box is it? Ben: It is the econosize. Susan must have a real bad yeast problem down there. I don't see many customers buying this size! [ smiles at Susan as if he is helping her. Susan tries to hand money, but Koop is back on PA ] Koop: Yeah, the Econo Size Vagifoam for your Susan Jacobs is $4.00. Ben: Sorry about all that. It appears your product is $4.00. You could get the $3.00 size, but I wouldn't. You don't mess around with yeast infections. Best to buy the most for your money. Value is what I always say! Customer #2: [ visually embarrassed and near tears hands over the money ] Ben: [ rings it in and tears receipt and displays ever-constant smile ] Okay! Here's your receipt. Good luck with that yeast problem Susan! Thanks for shopping Super Duper Mongos. Have a nice day and come back again! Customer #3: [ male has just a few items ] Ben: [ cheery, of course ] Hello! Welcome to Super Duper Mongos! Find everything alright? [ starts scanning items ] Customer #3: Sure did, thanks. How you doing? Ben: Fine and dandy. Happy to be working for Super Duper Mongos, a value store for family with values! [ finishes his scanning ] Your total comes to $11.01. Will that be check, cash, or credit today? Customer #3: Cash. Here's $12. Oh no, wait, I think I got a penny [ digs hands $11 and starts to dig in pocket ] Ben: [ for the first time, loses smile realizing that customers always dig and dig looking for stupid pennies even though he has a drawer full of them! ] OK, that will be great! [ faking ] Customer #3: I'm sure I got one somewhere. [ He is pulling out pocket lint, candy, dimes and nickels, other assorted items. After long time he gives up. Laughs as he says, ] Well, guess not. Here's $12 I guess. Ben: [ accepts the money after waiting this whole time ]. Okay, your change comes to 99 cents. Here's 75, 85, 95 [ as he hands 3 quarters and two dimes ]. Hmm….I'm sure I got four pennies here somewhere. I know I do. [ he is slowly looking in the bills drawer and in his own pockets pulling out assorted items. ] Customer #3: They are right there in your drawer. Ben: No they aren't. Customer #3: [ amazed at the situation ] Yes they are! I see them right here. Ben: [ losing his cheerfulness rapidly ]. Those aren't pennies, they are old dimes. No, I am sure I have pennies here somewhere. Customer #3: [ angry now ] Those are too pennies. Right there! [ points to them ] Ben: [ playing along ] Where? Customer #3: RIGHT THERE!! [ touching them now ] Ben: Oh they are pennies!? [ back to being cheery momentarily as he counts out 4 of them ] One, two, three, four. [ throws pennies away from customer and screams ] There! There's your pennies. There's your stupid pennies! [ quick change to cheery cashier ] And here's your receipt. Thank you for shopping Super Duper Mongos. Have a nice day and come back again. Customer #4: [ older man with just one item ] Ben: [ quickly and cheery as always ] Hello! Welcome to Super Duper Mongos! Find everything alright? [ scans the one item ] Customer #4: Ohhh, I think so. Ben: Your total comes to $2.03. Will that be check, cash, or credit today? Customer #4: Cash. Here's two bucks, I think I have three pennies. [ reaches into pocket and grabs out huge amount of coins and starts to sift through them ] Ben: [ smile turns to frown instant he sees coins. He swats the coins out of the customer's hands sending coins flying everywhere and takes the $2 ] I don't need your stupid pennies. Here's your receipt now get out. [ magically cheery as customer starts running away ] And thank you for shopping Super Duper Mongos. Have a nice day and come back again! [ camera pans out as CUSTOMER #5 walks up and you here BEN say "Hello! Welcome to Super Duper Mongos. Find everything alright?" ] Rate or review this sketch. |
