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Thomas Crown.....Pierce Brosnan Sheriff.....Darrell Hammond Mrs. O'Toole.....Ana Gasteyer [ open on exterior shot of trailer park at night ] [ dissolve to interior, Thomas Crown's trailer ] [ show Thomas sipping a brandy, his gaze focused upon a 5", battery-powered black-and-white TV, as a knock is heard at the trailer's front door ] [ Thomas opens the door, revealing the Sheriff ] Thomas Crown: [ suave ] Good evening, Sheriff! What can I do for you? Sheriff: [ enters trailer ] Tom, I hate to bug you, but we're having that problem again. Thomas Crown: [ naive ] What problem is that, Sheriff? Sheriff: Come on, Tom.. I know you think we're all just a bunch of inbred rednecks who don't know our ass from a hole in the ground, but we're more smarter than you give us credit for. I'm talking about the velvet Elvis painting you stole from Mrs. O'Toole's living room last week. Thomas Crown: Did that turn up missing again? Sheriff: No. But her print of Dogs Playing Poker has vanished from above her toilet, and she swears she saw your silhouette creeping around behind her trailer twenty minutes ago. Thomas Crown: A silouhette doesn't sound like a positive I.D., Sheriff.. Mrs. O'Toole: [ enters ] Please, Mr. Crown.. we're talking about a valuable family heirloom! Sheriff: Mrs. O'Toole, I have this under control, now. Come on, Tom, we know your knack for stealing priceless works of art. Mrs. O'Toole: Mr. Crown, I just want my print back in my bathroom - I'm not going to press charges! Sheriff: Look, Tom, why don't you just return the print, then we can all go out and grab a beer. Thomas Crown: Sheriff, I can assure you, the only art I've stolen all week were some posters of cannibis leaves I lifted off some students at Ole Miss University while I was down there giving a speaking engagement. Sheriff: Well, the students don't need drug posters on their walls.. but maybe you should return them anyway. I'm sure you could sneak back in their dorm unnoticed in the stealth of night, without them ever realizing the posters were gone in the first place. Thomas Crown: I can assure you I could. [ sips brandy ] Mrs. O'Toole: Mr. Crown, I know it was you! You're the only one around here whose shadow includes a silouhette of a brandy snifter! Thomas Crown: [ smirks ] Okay, you got me! [ retreats to bedroom, returns with the print ] I just wanted to see how these poker-playing dogs would look hanging above the headboard in my bedroom. I thought it might add a touch of class to the atmosphere, something for one of my dates to admire. Mrs. O'Toole: [ grabbing print ] Well, we prefer this print to be admired by people while they use our toilet! Thomas Crown: You don't ask about my stains, I won't ask about yours. [ winks ] Mrs. O'Toole: My family cherishes this print, Mr. Crown. But if it really means that much to you, I suppose we could sell it to you. Does ninety-nine cents sound fair? Thomas Crown: I'm sorry, Mrs. Poole.. but I don't think I could ever really treasure that print unless it was stolen. Besides, I've got my eye on the ceramic Buddha figurine on Mr. Goodpaster's cinder block coffee table. Mrs. O'Toole: I'll be sure to advise him to bury it in his backyard for safety. Good night, Mr. Crown. [ exits trailer ] Thomas Crown: [ calling out ] Look, if it's money you need, I can spare you a couple hundred dollar bills! [ faces Sheriff ] Ah, she's not interested.. Sheriff: [ turning ] Well, I suppose I should be going, too, Tom. Let's not have any more incidents like this take place, alright? Thomas Crown: [ puts arm around Sheriff and pats his shoulder ] Sheriff, you're a good man. Drop by any time. Sheriff: I imagine I'll have to, won't I? Good night, Tom. [ exits trailer ] Thomas Crown: Good night. [ Thomas pulls a bottle of brandy out of a cardboard box, and pours himself another glass. The Sheriff re-enters the trailer. ] Sheriff: Tom, you wanna return my badge? Thomas Crown: [ pulls Sheriff's badge out of the pocket of his bathrobe ] Sorry about that, Sheriff.. I just can't seem to resist aluminum! Sheriff: [ grabs the badge ] Yeah, yeah, yeah.. have a good night, Tom.. [ Sheriff re-exits trailer, as scene zooms out and fades to black ] Rate or review this sketch. |
