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[ Librarian (dressed like host for "The Weakest Link") sits or stands behind a desk with "Reference" sign and bell. Books are stacked on side of desk ] [ Patron 1 walks up to desk and tries to ask for help ] Librarian: [ looking mean with arms crossed in front, yells with British accent at Patron ] What is the name of the first lady of the United States? Patron 1: [ answers with shy, scared look, talking low ] Barbara Bush? Librarian: Wrong. It's Laura. You stupid asshole idiot. You are a disgrace to the woman you were born to. [ rings bell - Patron 1 moves to the side of room ] [ Patron 2 walks up to desk and tries to ask for help ] Librarian: [ yells ] What book tell the story of an orphaned boy who learns he has special powers? Patron 2: Moses? Librarian: Wrong. It's Harry Potter. You stupid asshole idiot. Do you have Mad Cow Disease? [ rings bell - Patron 2 moves to the side of room ] [ Patron 3 walks up to desk and tries to ask for help ] Librarian: [ Yells ] What is Tiger Woods real name? Patron 3: Tony? Librarian: Wrong. It's Eldrick. You stupid asshole idiot. Did you leave your brain in the Playboy Mansion? [ rings bell - Patron 3 moves to the side of room ] [ Patron 4 walks up to desk and tries to ask for help ] Librarian: [ yells ] Who said "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself"? Patron 4: Robert Blake? Robert Downey, Jr.? Timothy McVeigh? Librarian: Wrong. Franklin Delano Roosevelt. You stupid asshole idiot. Has Viagra left you limp? [ rings bell - Patron 4 moves to the side of room ] [ Patron 5 walks up to desk and tries to ask for help ] Librarian: [ yells ] Which music star just changed his name to P-Diddy? Patron 5: Bo? Librarian: Wrong. It's Puff Daddy. You stupid asshole idiot. Are you Jennifer Lopez's lover?" [ rings bell - Patron 5 moves to the side of room ] [ Librarian gets up from behind the desk, starts to run toward the 5 patrons, who are holding hands hovering together. Librarian STOPS suddenly, closes her eyes and spins around 360 degrees, with her left hand over her eyes and right hand/index finger pointing in the air like Pin the Tail on the Donkey. ] Librarian: [ points to one of the male patrons and yells ] YOU ARE THE DUMBIST FREAK!!! [ patron freezes still and looks numb ] [ as other patrons scurry off, Librarian goes to the desk. She picks up stack of books and starts throwing them at the patron. She then turns and runs back toward the patron (who is still frozen and numb), throws her arms around them, lands a big kiss on the mouth of the patron and yells "READ TO ME YOU YOU DUMB ASS FREAK!!!!" ] [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch. |
