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.....Lorne Michaels .....Paula Pell .....Adam McKay .....Tina Fey .....Paul Buxton .....Tony Dumont .....Patrick Lonergan .....Mark Polishuk [ open on exterior, 30 Rockefeller Plaza ] [ SUPER: "Studio 8H - Thursday, May 3rd, 2001" ] [ dissolve to interior, SNL writers lounge ] Lorne Michaels: Well, folks, I want to thank you for your cooperation in putting together this week's show - that "Weakest Link" parody is sure to become a classic, good job! Now, I know some of you have been planning to go on strike since the April 14th, but I'd like you to postpone that at least until the end of the season. Paula Pell: You know my demands, Mr. Michaels - I want to appear in more monologues. You completely wasted my talents by having Renee Zelwegger do her monologue alone! Lorne Michaels: Well, I'm trying to find a balance between pleasing you and the online community.. Adam McKay: I have demands, too, Lorne! Make me a featured player, or I walk! Lorne Michaels: [ thinking ] Okay.. alright.. [ points ] Your money's on the counter, Adam. Adam McKay: [ surprised ] What?! Lorne Michaels: It's been nice knowing you, Son. Adam McKay: No, wait! I was kidding! Let me stay, Lorne, I'll do anything! I'll clean your shoes with my tongue! Lorne Michaels: [ intrigued ] Really? [ stares at Adam ] Adam McKay: [ terrorized ] You mean, now? [ falls to the floor, starts licking Lorne's shoes ] Lorne Michaels: Folks, I'm sure you all think you're indisposable, but if you strike, I can have you replaced. Tina Fey: [ calling his bluff ] Oh, yeah, Lorne? By who? Lorne Michaels: [ holds up Entertainment Weekly magazine ] My copy of EW came in the mail today, and their Recommendations section informed me of a web site called Saturday Night You, where fans of our show write their scripts for the show. Legally, we can't accept viewer-submitted sketches, but I don't see anything wrong with hiring some of these aspiring writers as scabs in your absence. Paula Pell: I thought I was your scab, Lorne? Lorne Michaels: Not if you're on strike, Paula. Now, just to show you I'm serious, I'd like to introduce you to some of these would-be writers. First of all, Paul Buxton.. [ Paul enters ] ..best known for his "AmCrak" parody. Paul Buxton: Much funnier than anything McKay's done all year - and with half the effort. Lorne Michaels: Paul, I understand you're in search of an autographed card of minor league hockey player Derrick Johns. Write more sketches like "AmCrak", and I can make that happen for you. Paul Buxton: Thanks, Lorne! You've got it! Lorne Michaels: My next guy is a little young, but with material like "Masculine Choice", he definitely has a future with this show. Tony Dumont. Tony Dumont: [ enters ] Glad you liked that one, Lorne. Now, let me tell you my idea for a "Facts of Life" parody with Blair as a hootchie-mama. Lorne Michaels: I promise we'll talk, but one more introduction. Here's the guy who started the site, Patrick Lonergan. [ Patrick enters ] I think you should submit that "Apocalypse News" sketch for next week's episode with Lara Flynn Boyle. Patrick Lonergan: Unless you'd rather scratch her so John Goodman can host again. Some members of your online community are feeling betrayed about that. Lorne Michaels: I know.. but I figure I'm making up for it by having Chris Tucker host the season finale. [ NOTE - remember, this sketch is set on May 3rd, 2001, when Chris Tucker was still rumored to be hosting the season finale! ] Patrick Lonergan: Well, me and boys are up to that challenge! Paul and Tony: Yes.. bring him on.. Tina Fey: [ pointing to Pell and McKay ] Well, so are my "boys". Paula Pell: Hey! I'm not a boy, I'm a woman! Tina Fey: So is Adam - it's just an expression, Paula. [ Adam is silent ] My point is: we don't want these guys taking our jobs away from us. Lorne Michaels: Tina, is that fear I smell? Tina Fey: No, that's probably just Adam's latest film. Lorne Michaels: [ turns to Patrick ] Lonergan? Did you write this piece? Patrick Lonergan: Yes, I did, Lorne. Lorne Michaels: [ nods ] I like it. I see potential here. Tina Fey: Okay, strike's off! We'll take a pay cut, whatever, we don't care - just please don't replace us with these guys, we have a reputation to uphold! Lorne Michaels: Lonergan, it's your sketch, end it however you like. [ suddenly, Mark Polishuk enters ] Paul Buxton: Mark Polishuk! What are you doing here? You're not here to write sketches, are you? Mark Polishuk: Write sketches? No, Paul, I'm here to draw sketches - preferably of Tina Fey in her garters. If you would accompany me to the broom closet, Tina.. [ Tina Fey follows willingly ] Lorne Michaels: What an odd spin you've applied to this sketch, Lonergan. Right out of left field. Patrick Lonergan: This is not the ending I wrote for this sketch, Lorne. Lorne Michaels: Hmm.. you might want to change your password.. Mark Polishuk: [ holds Tina Fey in his arms ] I took it upon myself to rewrite the ending to this sketch, Lorne - Lonergan's ending was predictable and boring. Lorne Michaels: Oh? What was it? Patrick Lonergan: Ah, just the same old ending you've heard hundreds of times before.. [ looks into the camera ] "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!" Rate or review this sketch. |
