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Jeff Probst.....Chris Parnell Sean Connery.....Darrell Hammond Martha Stewart.....Ana Gasteyer Anne Heche.....Lara Flynn Boyle Tom Green.....Jimmy Fallon Alex Trebek.....Will Ferrell Tom Cruise.....Horatio Sanz Nicole Kidman.....Maya Rudolph .....Rudy Boesch Robert Downey Jr.....Chris Kattan [ Scene opens to the familiar Tribal Council set, at night around a ring of fire ] Jeff Probst: Well, here we are at the final Tribal Council for Celebrity Survivor. You guys have been through a lot, nearly 2 weeks out here at the Aspen Estates resort, a filet mignon shortage, and no cellular phones. You all have earned the title of Survivor, in my mind. But today we must determine a winner. Both Sean Connery and Martha Stewart have played this game flawlessly, and it is now up to the jury to decide the ultimate survivor. [ Camera pans across the jurors' faces, Anne Heche, eyes glazed open, Tom Cruise, looking overweight and depressed, he has really let himself go since the divorce, Rudy Boesch, sleeping, Tom Green, playing with his left nipple, Alex Trebek, looking pompous, Robert Downey Jr., passed out in a pool of vomit, and Nicole Kidman, sitting far away from Tom Cruise and glaring at him. ] Jeff Probst: We will first let the two finalists give opening arguments to why you should vote for them. Mr. Connery, you first. [ Sean Connery stands up and addresses the jury ] Sean Connery: I just wanted to take this moment to mention that Trebek looks just as bad in the morning as his mother does. Thank you. [ Martha Stewart stands up and addresses the jury, she is wearing a necklace made from bald eagle feathers and cocoa beans ] Martha Stewart: I just wanted you all to know how much I have cherished these past 12 days. From the time that I crafted a tent from pine needles, to the day I fashioned a canoe out of fish scales, this whole experience has been a very good thing. Jeff Probst: Now the jurors can address the finalists, and ask a question or make a statement. Anne Heche, you are up. [ Anne Heche bounces over to the finalists like a little elf ] Anne Heche: Do you know any famous lesbians I can sleep with? Jeff Probst: [ cutting her off ] Anne, we have gone over this before. This is not a place for you to find a date. This is Tribal Council. Anne Heche: [ angry ] Fine. [ to jury ] Do you know any famous straight women I can sleep with? Jeff Probst: Anne, what did I just say? Are we going to have to take away your Evian privileges again? [ Anne hangs head in shame ] Go back and sit down. Tom Cruise, you are up. [ A fat, bloated Tom Cruise approaches the finalists ] Tom Cruise: Hey guys. I wanted to ask you a two part question. One, what was your favorite thing about Celebrity Survivor, and two, why is Nicole such a bitch? [ Nicole Kidman yells from the juror's box ] Nicole Kidman: Impotent midget! Tom Cruise: Frigid she-witch! Jeff Probst: Ok, enough, you two! We will not have another caviar flinging incident like on Day 4! Martha Stewart: If I may interject, Jeff, I would like to add that my favorite moment was when I made a down-lined parka from the feathered breast of a swallow. It was a day I truly cherished. Jeff Probst: [ annoyed ] Please disregard the comments by Mr. Cruise, that was not a legitimate question. And now, Survivor star and ex-Navy Seal Rudy Boesch, you are up. Rudy Boesch: I just wanna say this whole group is nothin' but queers. I hate queers. Jeff Probst: [ laughing along with rest of jury ] Oh Rudy, you are a delight. Rudy Boesch: I'm serious, all queers should die, I hate 'em all. Queers make me sick. Jeff Probst: [ laughing so hard he is crying ] Rudy, stop it, you're killing us! You delightful, wacky man. [ pausing to regain composure ] Tom Green, you are up. Tom Green: I would like to congratulate you both on a great game. GAME GAME, YOU PLAYED A GAME, GAME GAME! GAME GAME THE SAME GAME, GAME GAME GAME! LIKE MY NAME, GAME, GAME GAME! [ Sean Connery stands up and beats Tom Green with his belt. Tom Green lies in a pool of blood ] Jeff Probst: On behalf of Celebrity Survivor and America, thank you. Nicole Kidman, you are up. Nicole Kidman: I would like to talk about a male's inability to perform sexually. Jeff Probst: I know where this is going, please stop it. Your sex life with Mr. Cruise is off topic at Tribal Council. Do you have any questions for the finalists? Nicole Kidman: Of course I do. How can a good looking actor gain so much weight in two months? Is it because of that fake religion, Scientology? Tom Cruise: Ice Queen! Nicole Kidman: Lard ass! Jeff Probst: Enough! The two of you, sit down and respect the frickin' solemnity of Tribal Council!!! Robert Downey Jr., you are up. [ Robert Downey Jr. remains passed out in a pool of vomit ] I guess that leaves Alex Trebek. Alex Trebek: Well, look at the situation we have here. Ms. Stewart, you are looking as effervescent as always, I must say. And Mr. Connery, it is certainly no conundrum to see you as churlish as always. I have been ebullient waiting for this moment a long time, to finally face you, to deliver my palaver. And you, sir, are a.. Sean Connery: [ interrupting ] Where's the bag? Alex Trebek: [ caught off guard ] ...the bag? What? I don't know what.... Sean Connery: The bag you put over your wife's head before you have sex with her. [ Entire group bursts into laughter. Sean Connery is pointing at Alex Trebek and snickering. Trebek starts crying. ] Martha Stewart: I could make your wife a delightful springtime bag from the dewy wings of a grackle bird. Jeff Probst: [ pissed ] Everyone, shut up!! It is time to vote. Grab a damn pen, write who you vote for to win, and sit the f down. [ One by one the jurors walk to the podium to vote, except for Robert Downey Jr., who is laying in vomit, and Tom Green, who is dead. Survivor security staff ensures that Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise don't walk near each other. ] Jeff Probst: Ok, time to read the votes. [ Pulls out first vote, it reads "The queer."] Um, this vote is a little vague. Mr. Boesch, did you by any chance cast this one? Sean Connery: The rules say ya can't vote for Trebek anyway. [ Entire group laughs again. ] Jeff Probst: [ Pulls out second vote, it reads "Tom Cruise is fat and impotent". Pulls out third vote, it reads "Nicole Kidman should be deported." ] Ok, I will just discard these two votes. [ Pulls out fourth vote, it reads, "How about famous men? I will sleep with any of them." ] This is just great. Four votes, none of them any good. Way to go, Anne. Anne Heche: I will sleep with any famous gay men too, I'm flexible. Jeff Probst: One vote left. . . and the winner of Celebrity Survivor is... [ big sigh, and pulls out last vote, it reads "Sean Connery". ] Sean Connery! Wait a second. . . [ flips vote over, on other side it reads "is a vurcilator." Alex Trebek looks smug. ] Alex Trebek: Take that, you usurbator! Revenge!! Sean Connery: I don't even know what that means. Jeff Probst: No one does. Thank you, Mr. Trebek, for those interesting contributions to our language. That means we have no winner here on Celebrity Survivor, and a truly wonderful job done by all. Security, please remove Tom Green's corpse from Tribal Council. Martha Stewart: I could make a wonderful autumn poncho from the corpse of Tom Green and some hazelnuts. [ Scene fades out ] Rate or review this sketch. |
