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Ricki Lake.....Maya Rudolph Joey B.....Pierce Brosnon Charlene.....Ana Gasteyer Mango.....Chris Kattan Sully.....Jimmy Fallon Denise.....Rachel Dratch Ricki Lake (V.O.): Tonight on the Ricki Lake Show, "Yo Girlfriend, I Gots Me A Secret." [ Joey sits alone on stage, chewing gum. He sports a giant mullet hairdo plus a mustache. Ricki stands amongst the audience. ] Ricki Lake: Our guest Joey B. has a secret to tell his fiance, Charlene. [ Video footage of Charlene backstage, dressed in a wedding gown. ] Audience: (Oohhs and Ahhs) Ricki Lake: But before we bring her out, why don't you tell us what's going on Joey? Joey B.: Well, er Ricki. There's nothin' much to say. Me and my lady, Charlene, have been together three years come this May. We met at a Rangers game. She was sellin' roasted nuts and I was buyin'. We've got four kids, two of which I believe are mine. But I love'em all the same. Audience: (Ohhhs and Ahhs) Ricki Lake: So what's your secret? Joey B.: Ricki, it's hard for me to...I'm not really good at oral speaking, so I'm hopin' that my confession via the spectacle of pre- recorded television will help to end Charlene's misery quickly. In a good way. For I can no longer, my hand to God, keep up the falsitude that is my life. I'm here today to tell Charlene that I have met someone new. Audience: Whore! Whore! Whore! Joey B.: He without sin, you bastards! Ricki Lake: Okay, let's bring out Charlene. [ Charlene enters, embraces Joey. He kisses her, tongue style. ] Audience: Boo! Boo! Boo! Joey B.: Shut it! Heartless sons of bitches! [ Charlene sits down next to Joey, holding his hand. ] Ricki Lake: Charlene, welcome to the show. Charlene: Oh thank you, Ricki. It's an honor. You've always been my favorite, even when you were fat-TER. Ricki Lake: Er thanks. That's a beautiful dress your wearing. Charlene: My mother's, from her wedding. It's all that's left from the fire. Your producers suggested I wear it, to go with today's theme. Ricki Lake: [ feigning ignorance ] News to me. [ Joey kisses her reassuringly plus tongue. ] Audience: Whore! Whore! Whore! Charlene: I told you nothing happened between me and your father. He was just giving me a massage! Joey B.: Nah. It's not you. Don't listen them bastards. Ricki Lake: Well Charlene, d'you want to hear what Joey has to say? [ Audience goes wild as Joey gets down on one knee. ] Joey B.: This is extremely difficult and hard for me Charlene. We've been together for so long....It's like I've know you for so long. But I...I met someone else. Audience: (Ohhhs and Ahhhs) Charlene: You piece of (BLEEP)! What?! What are you saying?! Joey B. I swear to God--! Joey B.: I don't love you no more. Charlene: You don't--Why? [flailing at him] Joey how could you?! On public tv?! My mom's watching with my whole cosmotology class! You piece of (BLEEPING) (BLEEP) ASS(BLEEP) (BLEEPER) (BLEEPING) CRAP! Ricki Lake: Let's bring out Joey's new lover. [ Dance music sounds and we see the sillouhette of a body behind a frosted glass door. It opens and Mango enters, dancing in his sequin shorts, gloves, and boa in ass-slappin' full effect. ] Joey B.: Mango! Mango! Charlene: Mango? [ Mango dances past Joey. Joey reaches out, Mango slaps him away. ] Mango: You can't have the Mango! Joey B.: But Mango! Mango: Get away from the Mango. [ sits down ] Mango no like you! Audience: Whore! Whore! Whore! Mango: You shut your face! Mango is the Mango! Ricki Lake: Alright, let's settle down. So Joey, Mango seems genuinely disinterested in you. Is there a problem we don't know about? Joey B.: No Ricki. That's just Mango's mysterious magic. Charlene: Magic? Joey B.: He just plays HARD TO GET. He was the same when I laid dollar bill after dollar bill at his feet as he danced before me, molesting my soul with his effervescent whimsy. [ Charlene looks on disgusted. ] Mango! Mango: Read the Mango lips. And the Mango lips say, "Don't touch the Mango!" Ricki Lake: Well Joey, I've got a surprise for you. Mango has informed us of his own little secret to tell you. Audience: (Ohhhs and Ahhhs) Joey B.: Mango, what is it? Is it something I did? Mango: Joey, you come to the bar and the Mango dance for you. Joey B.: Yes, I love it when you dance. [ reaches out ] Mango: Don't touch! Well, anyhoo, Mango no dance for you no more. Mango have the somebody new. Joey B.: What?! But Mango--Don't do this! It's me Joey! Mango: Mango no like you! Audience: Whore! Whore! Whore! Ricki Lake: Let's bring out Mango's new dancing partner! [ Dance music sounds. The glass door opens and Pat "Sully" Sullivan enters stage. ] Sully: Mango! Mango! Audience: Whore! Whore! Whore! [ Pat reaches out to embrace Mango. Mango swats him away, returns to his seat. Joey stands eyeballing Pat. They stare, sizing eachother. ] Ricki Lake: Settle down boys! Sit back down, sit! [ They do. ] Welcome to the show Pat. Sully: You can call me Sully, Ricki. South Boston in da HOUSE! I'd like to give a shout out to my crew Mooks, Smitty, Marty, McGoo, Scoop, Chappy, Mirk, Dark, Sage, and my boy Donny Batalotti! Ricki Lake: So Sully, you are here as Mango's new love? Sully: And MORE Ricki. I know Mango as a man--girl--er type person of a few words. However, MARK MY WORDS, Mango speaks volumes via the international language of dance. Ricki Lake: Can you tell us how you two met? Joey B.: Yes. I'm a bit curious myself. Sully: Well Ricki, I was at a certain Bachelor party for my boy Squeezebox and if I may address his new bride NANCY, yes I do have semi-gratuitous pornagraphic pictures from that evening you may purchase from me in hard currency or in sixpacks of tall boys. So where was I? [ turns to Mango ] Ah yes, so I was at a certain burlesque bar being entertained by two female performers of highly questionable talent, wrestling in a tub full of Kielbasa sausage, when out of the corner of my eye, appeared a vision of beauty unknown to mere mortals, sliding down a golden pole. It was love at first sight. Ricki Lake: Mango, would you like to add anything? Mango: Yes Ricki. How can you shine the sun on one flower? How can you drink the ocean in one cup? Such is the Mango. You can't have the Mango! Sully: Mango, please! Don't be that way. This heart can not take anymore of your fickel gestures of taunting and teasing. Consider me as your prisoner of love, serving three consecutive life sentences without the possibility of parole. Denise (V.O.): QUEER! [ Denise rises from the audience, grabs Ricki's microphone. ] Denise: You Pat Sullivan ARE A QUEER! Sully: You are! Denise: You are! [ Ricki grabs back her mic. ] Ricki Lake: D'you know Sully ma'am? Denise: Know him? OH-MY-GOD! He is what he'd like to believe to be only the third person I've ever slept with. We have been an exclusive item since the march of time. WE even went to juniour prom together, TWICE! And I have been steadfast as his sponsor and oral supporter of his premature ejaculatory dysfunctions. Sully: Irregardless! My heart has sailed on a new ship to the isle of Mango! Denise: OH-MY-GOD! I can not believe this. For the sweet love of God and all that is holy and sanctamonious. I, Zazoo. [throws up gang sign] ZAZOO! Have been wronged beyond human deceny by a queer and his love for a dancer no less. Sully I hate you and all that your ilk stand for. [ Breaks down crying. ] Ricki Lake: Now Zazoo, before you write Sully off, could you look into this camera? [ She's seen through Tommy's camcorder viewfinder. ] Denise: Tommy? Sully: Denise, I'd just like to say one thing.....SUCKA! Denise: What? Sully: You, Miss, are gullible squared, cubed, to the ninth power! Ricki Lake: The jokes on you Zazoo. The real theme for today's show is "Girl, It's Your Birthday And We Givin' You A Makeover." Denise: OH-MY-GOD! Mango: Who? What, who?! Ricki Lake: Happy Birthday! Sully: I knew you'd never go for a guest appearance willingly, so yours truly, masterminded the heist of a lifetime. [ She runs up stage ] Happy Birthday Denise! Denise: You are so QUEER! Sully: You are. [ They make out. Audience applauds. Mango appears confused. ] Ricki Lake: Thanks for joining us. We'll see ya next time! [ Insert photo stills of Denise's "before" and "after" makeover photos. The two look exactly the same. ] Rate or review this sketch. |
