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Producer.....Ana Gasteyer Arnold Schwarzenegger.....Darrell Hammond Sylvester Stallone.....Chris Parnell Jackie Chan.....Christopher Walken Mr. T.....Tracy Morgan Evil Leader.....Chris Kattan [ Scene opens with 4 people sitting around a table in an office ] Producer: I just wanted to thank the four of you for agreeing to do this movie together. This is going to be the biggest action movie ever. Explosions, fists, babes, this one will have it all! [ Camera pans across the faces of Schwarzenegger, Stallone, Chan, and Mr. T, each one trying to look more ferocious than the next.] Schwarzenegger: Vat is going to be da script? Producer: Glad you asked that, Arnie baby. We still have to work a few things about with our legal department, but here is what we have so far. [ rustles through some papers ] This is the story of 4 elite Navy Seals who must infiltrate a castle and destroy terrorists. They must also save 4 Playboy centerfolds, who are imprisoned within the walls. The four Seals will be shirtless through the entire movie. Sound good? Chan: That's great! Lots of kung fu? Producer: Oh yes, all four of you will know kung fu, as well as being able to turn invisible. Oh yes, [ rustles through papers ] and you can all fly. Mr. T: Hmmmph! I pity those fools when they get a taste of these fists! Stallone: Gwrraph mwaagr mllllif grrap (translation on bottom of screen: "Who are the bad guys?") Producer: Well, that's going to be the tricky issue. You guys have made so many enemies with respective ethnic groups around the country that our hands are really tied here. Our options are severely limited. Schwarzenegger: Vat about de Arabs? Ve can't fight dem? Producer: Oh, goodness no! Arnold, you have been singularly responsible for the breakdown between U.S.-Arab relations. For God's sake, with "True Lies", you just about started a holy war! Schwarzenegger: Vat about robots? In de Tyuhminatah I be fighting many of dem. Producer: Another big no on that one. Android-Americans have been very vocal as of late about their treatment in the media. The ACLU will be all over us if we use robots again. Stallone: grrrrrak hmmmmmmir ravvillll (translation on screen: Russians?) Producer: No way, Sly. Let's see, in "Rocky IV", you had an entire country cheering for you over their hometown boxer. That didn't exactly go over well in Red Square. [ Silence as the group ponders their options ] Schwarzenegger: Vat about de drug dealers? Dey is bad people. Producer: Usually, that is our safest bet. But the city of Miami has held very vigorous protests over the use of drug dealers in movies. Those people are angry and ready for a fight. Mr. T: Those suckas better be ready for a fight, cause I'm gonna hurt 'em! Chan: What about evil Hong Kong warlord? Producer: Asians? Please! You can just about rule out African-American or Native American or Christian villains as well. Wait a minute, let me read off the official banned list [ grabs a sheet of paper. Reading: ] "By order of the ACLU, there shall be no villains from the following groups: Male, female, transsexual, Tall, skinny, fat, heterosexual, homosexual, white, black, Native American, Arab, Asian, Christian, Jewish, Mormon, European, Russian, British, Irish, Italian, Cuban, Australian, drug dealer, Alien, Satanist, Hillbilly, rich, poor, robot, Hawaiian, Hispanic, jedi, Eskimo or druid." Schwarzenegger: Eskimo? I didn't know dere were Eskimo villains. [ pause ] So vat kin we do? Producer: Well, you could fight each other. Other than that, we could probably scrounge up some people that aren't on this list. Jackie Chan: What about children? Producer: Well I'll be damned, they forgot children on the list! I can see it now [ pauses to think ] An elite squadron of Navy Seals, infiltrating a gang of terrorist children. Brilliant! Of course, they will have to be male and female children. And an equal mix of races, but we should be covered. Mr. T: Can't wait to smash those kids! Grrrrrrrrrr! Producer: Wait a second, though the villains may be kids, we can't have actual violence against children. There will be no harming of children. You can only try to scare them away. And on that thought, we can't actually use guns in the film. The anti-gun lobby will come down hard on us. Do you guys mind carrying wiffle bats? [ Fade out, fade in to the first scene in the movie ] [ Titles flash across the screen: "COMMANDO ASSAULT". All four stars are shown, each with a wiffle bat strapped to his back. ] [ Opening scene shows headquarters filled with children, of all races. There are some handicapped and special ed children in the room as well. Four Playboy Playmates are tied together in the middle of the room. The evil leader approaches the camera, a small albino boy in a wheelchair. ] Evil Leader: Those Navy Seals will never stop us. [ evil laugh ] Ha ha ha ha ha! [ Fade out ] Rate or review this sketch. |
