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Supervisor.....Christopher Walken Ken.....Jimmy Fallon Tony.....Chris Parnell [Scene opens inside a factory, with two college student workers and their supervisor] Supervisor: Welcome to your first day at Dom's Chicken. As you know, we run a highly efficient chicken processing plant here, with our goal to turn today's livestock into tomorrow's dinner. You guys will be on executioner duty, meaning you will take the live chickens and turn them into dead chickens (chuckles at his own joke). Real simple job, just put it on the conveyor belt when you are done, and try to stay efficient, okay? [Supervisor wishes them good luck and leaves] Ken: Sweet! Chicken executioner! Tony: Dude, this sucks. Why did you get us this job? Couldn't you find a better way to spend our summer? Ken: Trust me, this will be awesome! Bring on the prisoners! Tony: I'm slaughtering chickens with a psychopath. This is just great. [Tony and Ken take turns taking a chicken from a pen, chopping off its head, and placing the body on a conveyor belt, where it goes to the next station. This goes on for 3 hours. The Supervisor comes back to check on them.] Supervisor: Just wanted to check in on you guys. I see you have converted over 150 units already. Nice job! Keep up the pace! [Supervisor leaves] Tony: Units? Ken, does it even bother you that we have killed over 150 animals in the past 3 hours? Isn't this job a little de-sensitizing? I mean, these are real live chickens we are killing. Ken: I never really thought of it like that, I was just having fun chopping stuff. Tony: Is there some way we can at least humanize them a little? Give them names or something? It would be a lot more healthy. Ken: How about we give them all a trial? We can present evidence and stuff, charge them of a crime and then find them guilty. And then OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!! Tony: A trial? What on earth could a chicken be on trial for? Ken: Hey, I've seen some pretty bad-ass chickens in my day. Are you telling me that all chickens are good and pure? Tony: Well, I hardly think they have the capability to carry out a trial-worthy crime. But I suppose it will at least give them a little personality. Ken: [interrupting] DEATH TO THE CHICKENS!!!! Tony: [sighing] And I thought this would be more healthy. Ok, fine, on with the chicken trials. Ken: [Pulling out a large white chicken] Your honor! This chicken is accused of murder! He did willfully strike down another chicken in the heat of passion! [Closeup on the face of a very stupid looking chicken] Tony: [getting into it] My client is not guilty! He has an alibi, he was laying an egg at the time. Please show leniency! Ken: Male chickens do not lay eggs! He is a liar, and a murderer. And he shall taste the swift blade of justice! [Brings down the hatchet to kill the chicken.] Repent, foul beast! Tony: [Pulling out a large brown chicken] This chicken is on trial for treason. He sold out his country in exchange for some chicken feed! [Closeup on face of another very stupid looking chicken.] Ken: Your honor, this is a fine chicken. Yes, he knows many Russians, but no he did not commit any acts of treason. He has a wife and kids at home, he is innocent! Tony: Treason is the worst crime imaginable, and shall be met with the end of a life. Goodbye, traitor! [Cuts chicken's head off.] Ken: [pulling out a confused chicken] This foul creature is on trial for.... for.... witchcraft! She has been seen summoning demons in the dead of night, and turning children into goats. Sinner! Tony: Your honor, we shall not take part in these Puritanical witch hunts! This chicken is simply exercising her right to express her religion. Chicken: Squawk! Ken: Another outburst like that and we shall clear this courtroom!!! Silence your evil mouth, witch!! [chop] [An hour passes, many chickens meet their fate. None are spared.] Ken: Dude, I'm running out of crimes. Tony: Umm.... we did pickpocketing, right? How about arson? Ken: Nah, remember, I set that chicken on fire afterwards. That was sweet. Tony: How about sodomy? Ken: [disgusted] You know, I really don't want to think about that. [pause] But here goes... [Pulls out a very frightened white chicken] Your honor, before you stands the Jeffrey Dahmer of chickens. This sick beast is responsible for numerous sodomy charges, with multiple victims. Tony: My client pleads not guilty! Number one, he is a chicken, and number two, is completely incapable of any sort of sexual battery. Also, it is hard to tell, but this chicken may or may not be a female. Ken: To the gallows with you, chicken! Off with your head, Sodomite! [Chop] [Supervisor enters the room again] Supervisor: Guys, guys, I just got the last status report. You processed 4 units the last hour? What gives? Tony: We had a very lengthy extortion trial. Supervisor: Trial? [looking around] You know, guys, I like the judicial system as much as the next guy, but I really need someone here who can keep the pace up. I'm gonna have to move you two to the plucking station. C'mon, let's go. Ken: Plucking! Sweet! Tony: Oh, shut up. [Scene fades out] Rate or review this sketch. |
