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[ Open on a vendor standing on a street corner. He shouts in an english accent ala Monty Python. ] Vendor: Dead monkeys! Get your dead monkeys here. Dead monkeys by the barrel full. Step right up and get your dead monkeys. [ MAN walks by. ] Vendor: Excuse me, sir, but you look like you could use a dead monkey. Step right up and get yourself a dead monkey. Man: Hold on a minute. Did you just say that your selling dead monkeys? Vendor: That's right. Get 'em while they're fresh. Man: So, you are really selling read dead monkeys? Vendor: Oh, you'd better believe it, sir. All the dead monkeys you could ever want, got 'em right here. Man: What do you sell them for? Are they for cooking? Vendor: Cooking? Well, I've never really thought about eating a dead monkey, but I suppose you could if that's your fancy. Suppose a dead monkey sandwich would hit the spot on certain days, but I've never tried it myself mind you. Man: Then what do you sell them for? Vendor: Well, for the kids. Have you got kids, sir. Man: Yes, I have a 4 year old daughter. Vendor: Perfect. Just imagine how much her eyes would light up upon receiving her very own dead monkey from her dear old pa. All the other dolls will be put aside for at least a week. Man: I'm not going to let my daughter play with a dead animal. Vendor: Why not? It's not going to bite her. It's not going to spit in her face and crap on her dress like most live pets will. [ MAN #2 walks by. ] Man #2: Are you selling dead monkeys? I'll take one. Vendor: Ah, very good, sir. That'll be $1.50. [ They exchange money for monkey. ] And have a good day, sir. Man: Hey, what are you going to be doing with that dead monkey? Man #2: That's none of your bloody business, is it? Man: No, I just.. Man #2: Out of my way before I knock you into the middle of next week. Man: I'm sorry. [ MAN #2 leaves. ] Man: Do you really think that the kid would like a dead monkey? Vendor: Oh, yes, sir. It beats flowers, that's for sure. Man: Alright, you've convinced me. I'll take one. $1.50, right? Vendor: For you, sir, only a one dollar. Man: Oh, thanks. Vendor: My pleasure. [ Exchange monkey for money. ] And have a good day, sir. Man: Thanks, you too. [ MAN walks off. ] Vendor: Sucker. [ MAN walks home. His daughter and wife are there. ] Man: I'm home! Daughter: Daddy, daddy. Man: Whose daddy's little crenshaw melon? Daughter: I am! Man: That's right, and I have a special present just for you. [ Pulls out dead monkey from behind his back. ] A DEAD MONKEY!! [ Daughter screams and runs away. ] Wife: What did you do? Man: I only wanted to give her this dead monkey. Wife: Oh, my God, get that thing out of my house at once! I'm gonna be sick. [ WIFE runs out. ] Man: My bad.. [ shrugs ] [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch. |
