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Dr. Keegan.....Cristopher Walken Mr.Thompson.....Jimmy Fallon [ opens in doctor's office ] Dr. Keegan: Well you're in pretty good shape, Mr.Thompson, but now it's time for your physical. Stand up, please. Mr. Thompson: O.k. [ he stands. the doctor puts his hands in the patient's shorts ] Dr. Keegan: Turn your head and cough. [ he does ] Well, now everything looks fine. Your checkup was good. It seems that you're eating right, exercising regularly, you have excellent blood pressure, and you're well-built. I see. You're a healthy man. Mr. Thompson: Yes, I appretiate you saying that, but...do you think you can take your hand out of my shorts now? Dr. Keegan: OH! Oh yes, sorry. Forgot about that! Sorry! [ he takes his hand out of the patient's shorts ] So tell me...are you married? Mr. Thompson: No. Dr. Keegan: Engaged? Mr. Thompson: Not really. Dr. Keegan: Oh. I see...you're gay. Mr. Thompson: No! No, I'm not- Dr. Keegan: Don't be scared, I won't tell anyone! Mr. Thompson: No! It's not that! I'm really not- Dr. Keegan: You know...you really shouldn't be afraid to be different! Believe me, if anyone knows what it's like, living a lie for the "cleanliness" of society,... [ he puts his hand on the patient's shoulder ] ..it's me. Mr. Thompson: No! I'm not a homosexual!! Dr. Keegan: Oh, well then. Neither am I. Mr. Thompson: Look, is this over yet? Dr. Keegan: Almost. Just a few more things I need to check. ...I feel like some music. Don't you? Mr. Thompson: What? Dr. Keegan: I feel like some...Culture Club!! [ he picks up a CD and puts it in a CD player ] I used to be the biggest fan of Boy George! [ presses Play ] Mr. Thompson: Oh. Dr. Keegan: Did you? Mr. Thompson: Me? No, not really. Dr. Keegan: That's a shame. Who can resist "Karma Chameleon"? [ he sings ] "Karma karma karma karma karma cha-me-le-on!!" [ he starts dancing ] Mr. Thompson: Are we finished yet? Dr. Keegan: "Karma karma karma karma karma cha-me-le-on!!!" Mr. Thompson: I take that as a yes, so I'll just... [ the doctor stops singing and dancing ] Dr. Keegan: NO, wait. Sorry. I got a little carried away. My bad. Has anyone ever told you that you have the face of an actor? Please...allow me to take your picture. [ he picks up a camara ] Mr. Thompson: No! I really have to leave now, and you're freaking me out! Dr. Keegan: Oh...am I getting you excited? Mr. Thompson: WHAT?! Dr. Keegan: It's okay if I am, I've been told that I do that. Mr. Thompson: Look, dude, I already told you that I'm not gay! Dr. Keegan: Same here! I'm no butt-pirate. Mr. Thompson: Then why do you keep coming on to me?! Dr. Keegan: What? No! That's ridiculous!! Kids today! You try to be nice to them and and they think you're gay! How insulting! Mr. Thompson: Oh. Look, if I offended you, I'm sorry. But it really did seem that you were comming on to me. Sorry. Dr. Keegan: Apology accepted. It's quite alright. In fact, we're pretty much finished here. I just have to ask you a few personal questions. Mr. Thompson: Okay, how many? Dr. Keegan: Four or five, tops. Mr. Thompson: Alright. What do you need to know? Dr. Keegan: Well first of all, how old are you? Mr. Thompson: Twenty-six. Dr. Keegan: Ooh, nice! [ he writes it down on his clipboard ] Um... are you a virgin? Mr. Thompson: Uhh... Dr. Keegan: Oh, forget that one. Mr. Thompson: Oh...okay. Dr. Keegan: Now for the serious question [ he opens his doctor's jacket a little ] ...Are you open to new things? [ He blows the patient a kiss ] Mr. Thompson: What?! See!! I knew you were coming on to me!! Dr. Keegan: So! Don't knock it til' you try it, Hot Lips! Mr. Thompson: I'm outta' here!! [ he jumps up and runs out the door. The doctor follows ] Dr. Keegan: Are you sure you wouldn't want me to check you for testicular cancer? I have some time! Hey! Come back! [ Second Male Patient passes through the hall ] Hey, you here to have your balls looked at? [ Second Patient hurriedly runs down the hall ] [ fades to black ] Rate or review this sketch. |
