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Hitman.....Horatio Sanz Vincent Tagliano.....Christopher Walken [ hit Man enters Vincent Tagliano's office ] Hit Man: Vincent Tagliano? Vincent Tagliano: Hey..! Who wants to know? Hit Man: Frank Gambino sent me - you're a dead man! Vincent Tagliano: Frank Gambino?! Why does he want me dead, that jerk! [changing subject ] You know what kind of man you're working for? He's a jerk! Real tight with his money.. ignores charities, everything! Every year.. Labor Day.. Jerry Lewis comes out with the telethon, and all the sick kids with MD - Frank Gambino won't give 'em a dime! Says.. they don't look so bad to him.. they just need some elbow grease. He's a jerk, I tell ya! Hit Man: Hey! Don't change the subject! Vincent Tagliano: I'm not changing the subject! Why me?! What'd I ever do him? Hit Man: He says you owe him $25,693.42. Vincent Tagliano: That stickler! Right down to the last penny! I told him I'm trying to pull the money together! He's been harpin' on me about that money for a lifetime.. an eternity, I bet. [ changing subject ] Say.. that reminds me.. you ever see that movie.. "From Here To Eternity"? Hit Man: What? Vincent Tagliano: You know.. the old war movie. Burt Lancaster.. Deborah Kerr.. They're making out along the shore, as the waves come crashing up behind them.. a very memorable scene right there on the beach. You like the beach, right? Hit Man: Yeah, I like the beach. I'm taking the family to Miami in June. Vincent Tagliano: [ overjoyed ] Miami has a great beach, one of the best in the world! Water's blue.. sky, yellow.. I'd say the same for anywhere in Florida! You ever been to Disneyworld? Hit Man: [ nods ] Yeah.. yeah, me and the wife went there for our honeymoon. Loved it, except for that "Small World" ride. Vincent Tagliano: Don't go there! No thrills, no laughs, no nothing! When you get to the park, head straight for Space Mountain. Trust me on this. Hit Man: No, I agree with you about Space Mountain. [ reflecting ] You know, I can remember when I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut ever since I saw Neil Armstrong walk on the moon. Vincent Tagliano: I saw that, too! Inspirational, lemme tell ya! You know.. I met Neil Armstrong about six years ago at the Paramus Mall in Jersey.. autographing his book. Nice as hell.. good guy all around. Hit Man: Man, I'd give anything to meet Neil Armstrong, he.. [ finally realizes what's happening ] Hey! Stop changing the subject! Vincent Tagliano: What?! We had a patter going on there! The conversation was wonderful! Hit Man: Enough talk! Time for you to die, Tagliano! Vincent Tagliano: Look. Look. Not that this isn't fun. But I have a seven o'clock dinner reservation at Spago's.. and if I'm not on time, the owner's gonna kill me! You don't want that hangin' on your head, do ya? Hit Man: No. No, I was hired to kill you. Spago's can stand in line! Vincent Tagliano: That's right! So I'll go to my dinner reservation, and we can reschedule this. Alright? Hit Man: I can be back first thing in the morning. Vincent Tagliano: Not too early, though. I like to sleep late. Noon. Let's say noon. Hit Man: Alright, noon. But no more chances! Vincent Tagliano: Noon, it is. I'll see you tomorrow. Help yourself to my cigars, my office is your office. Turn out the lights before you leave. Hit Man: Fine. [ Vincent Tagliano exits. Hit Man lights up one of his cigars and takes a few puffs before he realizes he's been stung ] Sonofabitch! [ pulls open office door, cranes his head out of open window in the hall to find Tagliano ] You're a DEAD MAN!! [ fires bullets into the street, to the screams of passersby ] Vincent Tagliano: [ voice from street ] Hey! That reminds me! You ever see that movie "Dirty Harry"?! I met Clint Eastwood in 1986 when he was runnin' for mayor in Carmel, California! They got some nice trees in California! Sequoias! [ fade out as Hit Man drops his gun and buries his face in his hands ] Rate or review this sketch. |
