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Priest.....Horatio Sanz Ben Ulysses.....Jimmy Fallon Mother.....Rachel Dratch Sid Decker.....Chris Parnell Pamela Decker.....Ana Gasteyer Todd Brow.....Chris Kattan Samantha Brow.....Maya Rudolph Old Man Miller.....Christopher Walken [ Open in on a funeral scene. Horatio is dressed in Priest robes and is readying to speak...a closed casket sits behind him ] Priest: We gathered here today to celebrate the passing of Thomas Johnson Ulysses, a noble man indeed! As you can see, this is my first funeral since the funeral of David Crocker with the poodle incident...however [ Clears throat ] The Lord has forgiven me for that...mistake. Who would have thought, Poodles love bacon...but anyway, we are here to celebrate not the death...but the life of Tom Ulysses. And now, his Son, Ben Ulysses will speak. [ Ben gets up from the audience and stands in front of the pedestal ] Ben Ulysses: I loved my father, even though I never met him. As many of you know, my mother got Mr. Ulysses' sperm at the sperm bank and within nine months, I was born. However, even though I never met him, I still feel loved just by being his only son... [ Sid Decker stands up and interrupts Ben ] Sid Decker: Actually bro, you're not his only son...I was born from Thomas Ulysse's sperm too! [ Ben stands dumbfounded ] Ben Ulysses: Sid?! You are my...my half brother! Wow, this is SURPRISING! How come I never knew this...and how did Pamela get the same sperm donor? [ Ben's mother stands up ] Mother: Well, I uh...that is to say I...uhh...well I had a lot left over from Mr. Ulysse's sample...in fact he donated almost a pint...so I gave some to Pamela! [ Pamela pipes in ] Pamela Decker: Yeah...pleasurable stuff and it worked too! Ben Ulysses: Oh my God! Mom, how could you do this?! Mother: Ben, I'm sorry honey, it's just Pamela was so hell bent on getting pregnant...hey as I say, where's there's a pint, there's a way! Ben Ulysses: Well, I suppose it's kind of cool having Sid as a brother! [ Todd stands up ] Todd Brow: Then what do you think about having me as a brother? Ben Ulysses: Oh not you too! Todd Brow: Ahh come on bro, we'd make good siblings. Ben Ulysses: Mom! Did you give Samantha Brow some of the sample too?! Mother: Well...just a tad Samantha Brow: [ Stands up and speaks in a nasally voice ] You threw the semen into my eye after we got into a fight...YOU BITCH!!! Mother: Oh go to hell you uptight whore! Ben Ulysses: Ladies...LADIES!!! Calm down...Now is there anyone else you gave some of the sample to Mom? Mother: Well...not....not really Ben Ulysses: Oh Mom [ Throws his hands in the air ] Who ELSE did you give it to? Priest: I tried some! Just kidding ha! [ Audience is silent ] Oh I won't do funerals in this town ever again...will I? Ben Ulysses: Mom, tell me who else you shared it with! Mother: Ummm, you give me a name, and I'll give you a yes or a no Ben Ulysses: Fine! Susie Louis Mother: Yes Ben Ulysses: Marla Finery Mother: Yes Ben Ulysses: Margaret Hummingbird Mother: Uhhh....let me think...yes Ben Ulysses: Alright, here's what we'll do, I'll ask everyone in this room to raise their hand IF they DIDN'T use or weren't born from Mr. Ulysse's sperm...[ No hands go up ] My God no one! Half of you are men who are too old to have been born from this sperm! Mother: Well, you know we do live in San Francisco... Ben Ulysses: Eww! Mom no! Plus, Old Man Miller is in the audience, everyone knows he's both a womanizer and a rapist [ Old Man Miller stands up ] Old Man Miller: Okay, I didn't use it, but... Ben Ulysses: But what?! Old Man Miller: Well let's just say I used it to thicken my soup one night Ben Ulysses: Oh God! I live in a city full of disgusting people! Mother: You know, now that I think of it, I never used the sperm myself...I was too busy giving it away! Ben Ulysses: What?! Mom, then who is my father?! Old Man Miller: I had your mom once or twice, it's probably me! [ Cackles loudly ] Mother: You wish old man! But I did...no it can't be Ben Ulysses: What?! Just tell me Mom! [ The Priest is now standing up, looking embarrassed ] Ben Ulysses: Mom you did a Priest! That is like the worst sin ever! Mother: Well I was drunk and so was he...it was an amazing night though! Priest: We could do a repeat, it's not like I'm going to Heaven now anyway! I've already used my three freebie sins...so, let's go! Mother: Don't forget the holy oil! Ben Ulysses: Oh gross! [ Fade out ] Rate or review this sketch. |
