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Patent Official.....Chris Parnell Alexander Graham Bell.....Christopher Walken Second Inventor.....Tracy Morgan [ SETTING: interior, U.S. Patent Office, 1876 ] [ Patent Official sits behind desk in patent office, as Alexander Graham Bell rushes in holding original invention of the telephone ] Patent Official: May I help you? Alexander Graham Bell: [ excited ] Good afternoon, Sir. My name is Alexander Graham Bell, and I've just invented the wave of the future! Patent Official: [ standing up ] The wave of the future, you say? What is that in your hands? What have you invented, my dear man. Alexander Graham Bell: [ proudly ] This.. is the telephone. [ pause, as the Patent Official looks at Bell with annoyance ] Patent Official: And? Alexander Graham Bell: And? Well, perhaps I shall explain my invention to you, Sir. Patent Official: Yes, perhaps you shall. Alexander Graham Bell: Well, Sir, quite simply, the telephone is the communication tool for the new age. With this instrument, we can communicate with others from any distance whatsoever. If you have one of these, and someone else has one of these, you can communicate with one another from anywhere in the world! Patent Official: Now, let me see if I understand this correctly, Mr. Bell. One will have no use for one of these unless someone else owns one as well. Correct? Alexander Graham Bell: Well.. well, yes, I suppose that's true. But it's a remarkable invention! Can't you see it? Thousands of miles apart, and yet we are able to communicate at the same time! Why, it would make me sound as though I were in the next room. Patent Official: So, you've invented more of these, I assume? Alexander Graham Bell: No.. but I will! First, I need to have it patented, so as to generate interest in my invention. Then, everyone will own one. Everyone will be assigned a different number, with seven digits, perhaps, because I expect everyone to have one before long. Then, at any time of the day, you just dial the number of the person you wish to speak with, and you'll be connected. It's simple, really. Patent Official: Does it hook up somewhere? Alexander Graham Bell: We'll have wires, and telephone poles all across the country, so we can communicate effectively! Patent Official: Mr. Bell, you seem to expect quite a volume of consumer interest. Tell me now: suppose I am on the phone with you, here in my office, but my wife, at home, wishes to speak with me. She'll no doubt be connected with a busy signal, correct? Alexander Graham Bell: Well.. yes.. she won't be able to get through if you're already on the telephone with somebody. Patent Official: So, why then, Sir, have you neglected to invent call-waiting? Alexander Graham Bell: [ confused ] Call-waiting..? I don't take your meaning. Patent Official: If I am on the telephone with you, perhaps I could spin the rotary here and speak with her as well. Won't this be a necessary accessory? Alexander Graham Bell: Call-waiting? I suppose I could work on a feature such as that.. But, Sir.. Patent Official: And if everyone has one of these telephones, am I expected to commit so many of these, what you call, telephone numbers, to memory? Could we not include a speed-dial option, so that I only have to spin one digit to connect immediately to the call of my choice? Alexander Graham Bell: Sir, you're getting ahead of my invention just now.. Patent Official: I think it's a legitimate concern, Mr. Bell. After all, we are living in a modern age, and certain things are to be expected. You have these two pieces connected by a wire. What if I wish to walk around while talking to someone? Couldn't you invent a cordless model, so that I can freely walk outside the door or to the bathroom while I talk to someone. Alexander Graham Bell: Sir, I really don't think it would be polite to go wee-wee while talking to someone.. Patent Official: Well, then, how about installing a speaker into the telephone? A speakerphone, in fact. That way, the entire family could talk to someone at once. Grandma, perhaps. Alexander Graham Bell: I'm not quite sure what you are getting at, but I've only just invented this magnificant contraption. In time, I could add all sorts of features, but for now, it's primary use is as a communication tool! Patent Official: What about phone sex? Alexander Graham Bell: What about what?! Patent Official: Phone sex. Could I not call someone and make an obscene call, even a crank one, ask someone if their refrigerator is running? Alexander Graham Bell: Refrigerator? Has that been invented yet? Patent Official: Don't change the subject. What about operator assistance? Will the telephone have operator assistance, as well as emergency dialing for Fire, Police and Poison Control? Alexander Graham Bell: All in good time, I'm sure. You're asking so many bizarre questions! I don't see how I can answer them at this time. Our country is only one hundred years young, and there's so many things we are lacking, so many useful inventions that we haven't yet acquired the foresight to realize. My telephone is one of these inventions. It is going to change the way we live. Can you see that, Sir? Patent Official: [ thinking ] No, I can't see it. Thank you for wasting my time today, Mr. Bell. Please come back when you invent something useful. Alexander Graham Bell: More useful than the telephone? Patent Official: Yes, more useful than the telephone. Now, please, Mr. Bell. I'm meeting with someone else, so I would really appreciate it if you'd reschedule a session with me some other time. Thank you for stopping by. [ pushes Bell out of the door ] Alexander Graham Bell: But.. Patent Official: Thank you. Goodbye. [ a second inventor enters the patent office, Patent Officer looks at him with interest ] Patent Official: Yes, can I help you? Second Inventor: I would like to show you my invention. Watch. [ places a hat with two beer cans and straws hanging from it on top of his head ] I call it the "Beer Can Hat". You see: it's a hat, and it has two cans of beer on either side, and there's these straws which extend all the way from the cans to my mouth. And I just sip like this [ sips beer from cans ]. Well, what do you think? Patent Official: What do I think? You're asking me what I think? Why.. I think you're a genius! [ shakes inventor's hand ] You, Sir, are going to be a millionaire! [ fade to black ] Rate or review this sketch. |
