|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Announcer.....Chris Parnell Moe Phun.....Horatio Sanz Audience Member.....Will Ferrell Joe.....Chris Kattan [open on typical night club set up with Audience Member sitting front row with a woman.] Announcer: Hello, and welcome, everybody. Our next performer is known as the Don Rickles of Asia. Straight out of... [ looks at card with puzzled expression ] ...somewhere in China, put your hands together, it's Moe Phun. [ Enter Chinese stand-up comedian ] Moe: Hello. My name is Moe Phun and I'm from China. How many Americans does it take to fly a super top secret spy plane? 24. I counted! Ha ha ha ha ha ha. So yeah, the pilot of your spy plane, turns out he was from Florida. Yeah, he was all confused when he got off the plane. He was blinking and stumbling and he kept repeating "I meant to vote for Al Gore, I meant to vote for Al Gore". Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Audience Member: Shuttup. At least we can vote. Moe: Oh, I see we have a rowdy one here. You sir, are you from Texas? You must be from Texas. I hear that everything big comes from Texas. Yeah, and you are the biggest ass I have ever seen. Yeah, that's right. Of course, you pale in comparison to your wife's huge gigantic ass. Ha ha ha haha ha. Audience Member: Boooo. Hey, how come they have to test all your female atheletes to make sure they're actually women? Moe: Oh well, you want to go there, do you? You know why there are so many obese men in U.S.A.? That's because your women with their loose morals don't fufill their wifely duties and so after a long day at work American men have to go to fast food restaurants to eat. Yeah, as you can tell I found an American girlfriend when I arrived. Yeah and I was 120 pound before I come here! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Audience Member: Or maybe it's because of your name. What was it again? Moe pie please? Moe: You shuttup, America!!!!!! [ points out at audience ] No but really, you Americans are very clever. Back in 9th century the Chinese invented gunpowder explosive. But you smart Americans finally improved on that by inventing Firestone tires. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Audience Member: That wasn't funny. Moe: You don't know from funny! Let me tell you something. This stuff killed in Beijing, alright! Wait, maybe I better be quiet or America might get mad. Yeah, they might use their seat on the U.N. Human Rights Commision to strike back at China...oh wait they lost their seat on the Human Rights Commision!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Audience Member: We did? Moe: Yeah, what's the matter with you. It was in all the papers. Audience Member: [ in classic Will Ferrell form ] Sorry I hadn't heard. Moe: Talk about dumb. Hey speaking of dumb, how dumb is your President I mean... Audience Member: I think you're dumb! But you are funny...looking. Moe: Yeah. You make fun of me. You don't like me? Well, who like you, America? [ points out at audience ] Huh? Nobody. Go to Asia - everybody hate you. Cuba hate you, too. Russia don't like you. Iraq, Iran, Middle East forget about it. Who like you? Nobody like you. Oh maybe Canada like you...oh wow, Canada like you. Don't be too flattered. They are the political equivalent of a filthy whore. They love everybody! Nobody like you America! Audience Member: If you don't like it here, why don't you go back to China! [ pause as Moe tears up. Begins to cry. ] Moe: I can't go back. They don't understand me there. I lied before when I said the jokes killed in Beijing. The truth is the reaction was lukewarm at best. I was miserable back home. They said I was lazy and no good for anything. That's why I spent 20 days in the hold of a rusty cargo ship so that I could live the American dream. I want to work at only 60% efficientcy and collect a handsome wage. I want to find an American woman with loose morals for whom I have to cook and clean in exchange for nights of unending wild sex. I want to own a car! Back home, I can only afford a bicycle. You know what it's like for a man my size to have to ride an old, squeaky bicycle everywhere? It is terrible. But I do love China and I miss it so much...and I guess that is why Moe acts like such a jerk. [ Audience member goes on stage and puts his arm around Moe ] Audience Member: I'm sorry, man. I didn't know. Moe: No, I am sorry, Yankee Doodle America. No wonder nobody loves me, I am such a jerk. [ Moe lowers his head and cries ] Audience Member: No no, come on now, I love you, little chinaman. Moe: No, no you hated me. Audience Member: No, hey some of that was funny. Moe: No, you were booing, you're just trying to make me feel better. Audience Member: No, really. That part about Canada being a filthy whore. I loved that. [ Moe looks at Audience Member with head still lowered ] Moe: Really...you did...well I have another Canadian joke. Audience Member: Okay, let's hear it. Moe: Okay...the Canadian military. [ pause as Audience member thinks about it while Moe watches eagerly. ] Audience Member: Ha ha ha ha, now that's funny! [ Moe lifts his head and laughs with Audience Member. Joe walks on stage. ] Joe: Hey, excuse me my name is Joe and I am Canadian. I don't think that's very funny. Moe: Oh, don't look now, here comes the filthy whore. [ Moe and Audience member look at each other and laugh ] Joe: Hey, stop that. Audience Member: Why, what are you going to do about it? Are you gonna beat us up? [ Moe and Audience Member look at each other and laugh ] Moe: Ha, ha, no, no he's Canada. He's not here for a fight, he must be here for peacekeeping..awww don't worry, Canada. It's okay - China and America are friends again, okay? Don't worry, Mommy and Daddy aren't going to fight anymore, I promise. Now, go and play with some of your little friends... [ Joe shakes his head and begins to walk off stage ] Oh oh, I think I see France over there, why don't you go play with France...Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! [ Moe and Audience Member laugh hysterically ] Audience Member: Ha ha, France...France sucks, ha ha ha. You know this was fun. Moe: It was. You are alright, America. Audience Member: You aren't so bad yourself, China. Moe: I love you, man. Audience Member: You too, man. [ notices microphone stand ] Hey check this out. Talkin' 'bout the China groove. Oooh oh China groove. [ Audience Member tilts microphone stand towards Moe. He hesitates for a moment then smiles.] Moe: Oooh china groove. [ They continue on getting more into it with each repitition ] Together: Talking 'bout the China groove. Oh Oh, China groove. [ fade out to the sound of the Doobie Brother's classic ] Rate or review this sketch. |
