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Reporter.....Maya Rudolph Fatboy Slim dancers.....Horatio Sanz, Will Ferrell, Tracy Morgan Denise.....Rachel Dratch Sully.....Jimmy Fallon Continental.....Christopher Walken Sleepy Hollow Geek.....Ana Gasteyer Walker, Texas Ranger fan.....Darrell Hammond Reporter: The Lewiston Civic Arena has hosted a wide variety of sporting events, conventions, and even high school jazz festivals. But this weekend it hosts something even wilder, as fans gather from all over central Ohio to dress like, act like, and get a little closer to, their favorite performer. [ Horatio, Will and Tracy dance past in ill-fitting suits, mumbling the words to the 'Fatboy Slim' song. The camera pans to follow them. ] Reporter: They call themselves 'Walkies'. [ a group of fans have collected behind her, waving and mugging for the camera - a wide variety of mobster suits, a few long black trenchcoats, a Han Solo costume, and one guy in a homemade Antz suit ]. Organizers say their goal is to celebrate the unique contribution of actor Christopher Walken and the impact of his many fine films, with the exceptions of "Heaven's Gate", "Mistress", "Illuminata", "Prophecy 2", "Prophecy 3", "Privateer Two: the Darkening".. [ flips over a big sheet of paper ] "McBain", "Scam", "Vendetta" and "Joe Dirt". It's been an amazing Hollywood legacy, and these fans are here to celebrate it! Here's a scene from the dramatic readings held earlier today. [ Denise and Sully are on a little stage, being watched by about five people; Sully's wearing a rough approximation of Chris's suit from "True Romance", one size too large for him. Denise is in a chair reading from a script as Sully switches back and forth from trying to act menacing and glancing at the notebook in his hand. ] Denise: I haven't seen Clarence. Sully: You see that? [ Holding up a clenched fist full of his notebook, now crumpled - he awkwardly bats her on the head with it ] Denise: Oww! Watch the friggin' staples! Sully: Oh, Christ, sorry. You okay? Denise: It wicked stings. Get on with it. Sully: [ "acting" again ] That, that smarts, doesn't it? Getting slammed in the nose. Um. Forehead. You get that pain shootin' through your brain, your eyes fill up with, with, with eye stuff. Saline? Denise: Water! Sully: I knew that! Damnit! This sucks! [ he rushes offstage ] Denise: [ to audience ] Honest, he had it completely memorized in the car on the way down here. [ Cut back to the Reporter to see The Continental, champagne glass in hand, trying to woo her. ] Reporter: Look. Last time. Don't touch me, don't touch the mike, don't touch the camera. Continental: Such loveliness! The muscles in your forearms as you grip that microphone - they bunch and move like hamsters in a latex bra, squirming towards air and freedom. Do you wish to come up to my room? I have pudding! Reporter: [ notices camera ] Oh crap, we're on. Continental: Really! [ to camera ] Ladies of the Midwest, I haf felt you. You have been looking for the cheap, tawdry affair but not known from where to look. [ Reporter knees him in the groin; Continental gives a little shriek and drops out of sight. ] Continental: Wowwie-wow-wow!! Reporter: Something for everyone at this convention! Let's chat with some fans. Continental: [o.s.] I have 1-800 number.. [ In the background a vendor's set up a lifesize cardboard cutout of Chris's "Deer Hunter" character playing Russian roulette; every few seconds groups of fans huddle around it pointing guns at their own heads and grinning as the vendor takes a Polaroid of them ] [ Reporter stands beside Ana, A Hopeless Teenage Nerd, whose head pokes out of the chest of a Headless Horseman costume. ] Reporter: Ana here spent eighteen days building this costume! Ana: I-it spurts blood! Only we, we couldn't find blood, so it spurts water. Reporter: Ana, how long have you been a Walkie? Ana: About four, five years? I saw him in "Mouse Hunt", and I really liked that, so I rented "Dead Zone". And then I saw "Communion", like, 19 times, and here I am! Reporter: What's your favorite part of the convention? Ana: The "Guess the Psychopath" gameshow's fun. B-but I really love the staring contest. [ crashing sounds and yee-haws ring out as a small mob of people in flannel shirts, jeans and cowboy hats push their way into the lobby ] Sam: This here's Big Sam McGee from the officialized Walker, Texas Ranger Fan Club! N' we're the orneriest, most rip-roarin messa polecats what ever ripped a roar! Yeehaw! And only we gets ta be called Walkies, not a buncha pale, bug-eyed mobster groupies!! [his posse roars their approval as the Walkies bunch up.] Reporter: Interesting! An issue, possibly of copyright infringement, has come up! We could be looking at weeks of legal- Ana: [ completely belligerent ] Ten years! Ten years, pal! With a gorilla! [ She charges the Rangers, the rest of the Walkies right behind her. Pandemonium. ] Reporter: Another exciting event at the Arena. Bring your family! This is Christine Kelly- [ A rioter stumbles and knocks her into the camera. Sudden static. ] [ fade out ] Rate or review this sketch. |
