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Assistant Ugh.....Will Ferrell Inventor Ug.....Colin Mochrie Customer Uug.....Jimmy Fallon Girlfriend Oga.....Tina Fey Girlfriend 2 Ogah.....Maya Rudolph [scene: Inside of a cave circa 400,000 B.C....somewhere in present day France. Scene includes 'stone' work table, 'stone' bench and 'stone' chair. Characters dressed in furry caveman attire. Scene begins with Inventor Ug working away with some liquids on his work table while Assistant Ugh is sweeping.] Assistant Ugh: Wow boss, this sweepy thing sure works good to sweep dirt all in one pile. Inventor Ug: Yes it works good, but it's called a broom and it's good for brooming dirt into a pile. Get it straight! Assistant Ugh: Sorry boss...uhh what you working on? Inventor Ug: I call it paint. Yes, I think I've finally got it. Ha ha. Ugh come over here. Now take this brush I invented and dip it in the paint. Then I want you to use the brush to brush the bench. Got that. Assistant Ugh: I think so. [Ugh takes container of white 'paint' and the brush. Dips brush in the 'paint' then puts it in his mouth.] Inventor Ug: No, no I don't want you to eat it, dammit. Like this... [demonstrates on bench.] Assistant Ugh: Ohh, Ugh see now. [Enter Customer Uug. Assistant Ugh begins to paint...I mean, brush bench.] Customer Uug: Hey Ug, me want to talk to you. Inventor Ug: What now, Uug? Customer Uug: It's about that wheel thing you sold me the other day. [In background Assistant Ugh takes another taste of paint.] Inventor Ug: Yeah, what about it? Customer Uug: Well, the other day I took it out for a walk up to the top of the big hill and when I got to the top it got away from me and rolled down the hill into the lake. What kind of stupid invention is that? Inventor Ug: Hey, you bought the wheel. All sales final. Customer Uug: What a ripoff this place is. Just like fire. Me keep having to buy new fire everytime it rain! Well from now on Uug never shopping here again! Wait a minute...what this Uug see... Inventor Ug: That is a broom, Uug. It's used for [directed towards Assistant Ugh] brooming stuff up into piles. Customer Uug: Hmmm.. Uug think this be perfect for hold meat over fire while it cook so Uug don't have to burn hands when Uug reach into fire to get meat before it all burnt. Inventor Ug: But Uug, the broom is made of...sure...that will work. [Customer Uug happily gives Inventor Ug some pebbles from his pouch then leaves with broom. Inventor Ug shakes his head. Enter Girlfriend Oga. Assistant Ugh finishes painting bench and exits scene.] Girlfriend Oga: Hi Ug. How are you doing? Inventor Ug: Oh...Oga hi. Ug good. Come in. [Girlfriend Oga walks in grabs Ug by the hands and sits on the bench while Ug sits on the stone chair next to it.] Girlfriend Oga: My fire went out and Oga wondering if you could come light it for me. My cave is so cold...and empty. Inventor Ug: Sure...Ug would love to light your fire... Girlfriend Oga: Great see you later...[all sexy like] Ug. [Inventor Ug is speechless but then notices Girlfriend Oga walk out with her butt covered in paint. Enter Assistant Ugh. The two look at the bench.] Assistant Ugh: [mouth covered with paint] Oh oh. Look like she wreck my work. Don't worry, Ugh can do it more. Ugh like paint. Inventor Ug: No, no. Don't touch it. Don't you have work to do in the back! [Inventor Ug gets hammer and chisel ] [Cut to black screen with type that reads '10 minutes later'. Then cut back to scene with Inventor Ug sitting on stone chair with 'heart' shaped piece of stone on lap. Enter Assistant Ugh, mouth covered even more with paint. Inventor Ug obsessively rubbing 'heart' shaped piece of stone.] Assistant Ugh: Hey what that Ug? Inventor Ug: This...this is a symbol of the love I feel for the beautiful Oga. Assistant Ugh: Funny, it look like shape her a** made when she sat in paint. [Ugh turns bench over to reveal heart shaped hole in stone bench.] Inventor Ug: [hugging 'heart'] SHUTTUP! JUST SHUTTUP YOU FOOL NEANDRETHAL! [Inventor Ug rubs 'heart' even more obsessively. Enter Girlfriend Oga. Inventor Ug stands.] Girlfriend Oga: Hello again, me think I forgot purse... [pointing to 'heart'] hey what is that? Inventor Ug: This..why...this...is...[looks at Oga and pauses] This is a symbol of...my love for you. It is what makes me whole...it is my heart. Girlfriend Oga: Oh...you made that for Oga...Let me have it. Inventor Ug: Well I didn't exactly make it for you... Girlfriend Oga: Give to Oga NOW! Inventor Ug: Okay fine. [Inventor Ug gives 'heart' to Oga and then Oga stumbles backwards out of cave, exit Oga, as Inventor Ug and Assistant Ugh look on from mouth of cave. Sound effects follow: Boom crash boom smash wham whammo, bang boom, small pause, boom crash wham.] Assistant Ugh: Hmmm, Ugh think Oga gonna be mad when she wake up. Me think she try and hurt Ug...real bad. [Inventor Ug turns away from cave entrance.] And Ugh think Oga broke Ug's heart too. Inventor Ug: Oh yes, I have no chance with her now...she definitely broke my heart...[begins to cry] [Enter girlfriend 2 Ogah] Girlfriend 2 Ogah: Hey Ug I want talk to you. Inventor Ug: Huh...Ogah hi...Ogah...wow, is that a new dress? Girlfriend 2 Ogah: Yes, it mastodon, but that not important. I want to talk to you about why fire keep going out! Inventor Ug: I see...[smile comes across his face.] Why don't you have a seat...[offers her a seat on the still freshly painted stone bench. Close up on Inventor Ug as he winks into camera.] [fade out to the Sisqo masterpiece: 'Thong Song'] Rate or review this sketch. |
