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Alex Trebek.....Will Ferrell Mr. T.....Tracy Morgan Carrot Top.....Jimmy Fallon Craig T. Nelson.....Colin Mochrie Alex Trebek: Welcome back to "Celebrity Jeopardy". My nightmare continues. For those of you who were tuned in before the commercials, rest assured the podium fire has been extinguished and we're ready to get the game back to.. "normal". Let's take a look at the scores our celebrities have racked up so far. In the lead with $-2,400, Mr. T. Mr. T: I pity the fool who thinks he can beat me tonight! Alex Trebek: Big deal. I pity all of you. In second place, with $-3,200, we have comedian Carrot Top. Carrot Top: [ wearing a microphone on his chest and a Domino's Pizza uniform ] You got a delivery! Hand it over, I'll take it from here! Hut! Hut! Hut! Alex Trebek: Apparently, your curly hair is squeezing the life out of your brain cells. Finally tonight, with an unimpressive third place lag of $-12,000, we have actor Craig T. Nelson. Craig T. Nelson: Uh-uh-uh-uh.. I was in "Coach"! Alex Trebek: Yes, you were.. I wish you were there now. Let's move on to "Double Jeopardy". Our categories are: "Potent Potables"; "Round Things"; State Capitols"; "The Number 2"; "Pizza"; "Name These Men", in which all you have to do is identify the gentleman whose picture appears on the screen; and, finally, "Palindromes", which are all words which read the same forwards and backwards. An example I hate to use is the word "tit". Mr. T., since you're in the lead, you get to choose our first category. Mr. T: I'll take Pain for $400, fool! Alex Trebek: We already covered this in our first round - "Pain" is not one of our categories. Mr. T: I'm gonna hurt you, sucka! Alex Trebek: Since you're being uncooperative, I'll pick for you. "Pizza" for $200: "This pizza company shares its name with an old-fashioned parlor game. Hint: it's not Little Caeser's or Pizza Hut, and it starts with a D." [ no one buzzes in ] Anyone? Mr. Top, considering your wardrobe, you might want to take a stab at it. [ Carrot Top buzzes in ] Mr. Top? Carrot Top: What is, "What do you want on your tombstone?" Alex Trebek: No! I'm not putting myself through this. You buzzed in, so please pick another category. Carrot Top: Um.. I'd like that category about the tits you mentioned earlier. Alex Trebek: [ sighs ] It is not about tits! The category to which you refer, Mr. Top, is, in fact, "Palindromes". For $200, the clue is: "LEVEL". [ Craig T. Nelson buzzes in ] Mr. Nelson. Craig T. Nelson: Yeah, uh.. "Veal". Alex Trebek: I'm sorry? Craig T. Nelson: "Veal". V-E-E-L-L. "Veal". Alex Trebek: I-I-I'm sorry, Mr. Nelson, but there appears to be some confusion regarding the category. The idea is not to scramble the letters to form a new word, but, rather, to read the word backwards as the same word. The answer is already in front of you. Craig T. Nelson: I see "Veal". V-E-L? Alex Trebek: No! You're leaving out the L and the first E. Craig T. Nelson: Ohh.. Oh, I see, it's French. "Le Veal". Alex Trebek: Just.. just forget it.. Why don't you pick another category instead? Craig T. Nelson: Alright.. [ stares at the board ] I'll take "Name The Semen" for $800. Alex Trebek: The category, Mr. Nelson, is "Name These Men", not "Name The Semen". For $800, here's your visual clue: [ monitor shows a still photo of Craig T. Nelson, Carrot Top, and Mr. T. behind their podiums ] Gentlemen? Please? [ no one buzzes in ] And the show has reached yet another low. Mr. T., control of the board returns to you. Mr. T: If you don't drink your milk and stay in school, I'm gonna control you, sucka! Alex Trebek: [ sighs ] Mr. Top, why don't you pick instead? Carrot Top: Alright! I'll take "The Number 2" - can I take it over here! [ bends over and grabs the back of his pants ] Alex Trebek: [ fuming ] No! No! NO!! Screw this, it's time for "Final Jeopardy! Forget the friggin' category, the challenge is "Describe Yourself"! [ music starts to play ] Please.. just anything to describe yourself - appearance, hobbies, dysfunctional sexual preferences, I don't give a rat's ass, just please get the answer right! [ music stops playing ] Alright.. the "Final Jeopardy" question is "Describe Yourself". [ approaches the celebrities ] Craig T. Nelson, let's see what you wrote.. [ screen shows: ] "Veal". Craig T. Nelson: I like veal. Alex Trebek: I'm sure you do, but this is not an adequate description of yourself. If you had written "Muttonhead" or "Steak-Face", I could give you the benefit of the doubt, but "Veal" does not answer the question posed to you. You wagered.. [ screen reveals: ] .."Parmigiana". Brilliant. [ moves over ] Carrot Top appears to be stifling some laughter. Perhaps we can find out what sort of devilment he's stirring up for us. The question: "Describe Yourself". Your answer: [ screen shows ] "College Girls". Carrot Top: [ snickering ] This is gonna be good! Alex Trebek: Why am I even walking into this trap. You wagered: [ screen reveals ] .."Just Wanna Fu-", okay, that's enough. Carrot Top: [ laughing and pointing ] You should see your face, dude! Alex Trebek: Looking at yours has been bothersome enough. I know I'm kidding myself, but let's find out if Mr. T. fared any better in this round. I asked you to "Describe Yourself", and you gave as an answer: [ screen shows ] a drawing of a fist pointing down. I assume that's a metaphor describing how tough you feel you are, so let's find out what you wagered.. [ screen reveals a drawing of Alex Trebek's head ] ..my head. That's just terrific.. Mr. T: I'm gonna come find you after the show, Trebek! Alex Trebek: Please, you've done enough damage already. That's all the time we have for "Celebrity Jeopardy". If anyone needs me, I'll be in Terre Haute requesting a voluntary lethal injection. Good night. [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch. |
