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[Bill Clinton is sitting on a large rock on the top of a mountain wearing an all white robe, meditating making weird noises.] [President George W. Bush walks in trying to observe quietly, but he is making loud sounds with his shoes on pebbles.] President George W. Bush: Excuse me, ..excuse me..., Bill Clinton: [Yawns then crescendo’s to a loud frightening scream.] Gosh! You scared the living snot outta me Mr. President! President George W. Bush: Oops! [Grins and chuckles.] Sorry! Anyway, I was wondering if you could give me directions to... [Confused, but concentrating look on his face.] umm... what tha... oh yeah, directions to the White House? [Proud look on his face for remembering the name.] Bill Clinton: [Twisted look on his face.] Huh?!? But you live there! President George W. Bush: Duh! But my stupid puppy was playing fetch with me and he took off running and I chased and ran after him.. Bill Clinton: Your dog didn’t run away did he? President George W. Bush: [Ashamed look on his face looking away.] No. Bill Clinton: Well, then what really happened? President George W. Bush: [Takes off suit, sits down next to Bill.] Well, when we arrived to the White House, some thief stripped us clean of our knicks - and ... knacks ...n’- thingys. [Violin music starts to play.] [Bright spotlight shines on Mr. Bush. Mr. Bush reacts noticeably.] We were left there, poor, n’ starved, n’ hungry n’......no tex-mex burritos or chipoltle sauce for me and my poor, pooped wife. We were left there to serve our country,... [Starts to wail.] ..our country with..nothing. [The violin music stops with a high note.] [Bill Clinton starts to sob loudly.] President George W. Bush: Are-..are you OK? Bill Clinton: No. President George W. Bush: Why? Bill Clinton: B-b-because, it was me. President George W. Bush: [Grins from ear to ear pointing at Bill.] [Shouts.] I knew it! I knew it! I KNEW IT! Bill Clinton: Yes! I confess! It was me! It was ALL..MY..FAU... President George W. Bush: [Interrupts Bill.] I knew it was you who was messin’ with Monica Lewinsky! Bill Clinton: [Thinks.] [A hideous look creeps on Bill’s face.] Yes, it WAS me, wasn’t it. [President George W. Bush nods at Bill proudly for solving this "mystery".] Bill Clinton: You know my motto, "Don’t procrastinate, procreate." President George W. Bush: YES! No, actually, I don’t. I’ll have to remember that one. [Takes out pad of paper and all sorts of miscellaneous items such as a Superman cape, a Star Wars lightsaber, a Batman helmet, etc. He finally finds a pen with a large feather attached to the top of it.] OK. So what was it again? BUT! Say it slower this time. Bill Clinton: "DOOOOON’T... ... ...PROOOOOOO... ... ... CRRRAAAAAASSSTINATE, ... ... ...PROOOOOOOOO... ... ... CRREEAAAAATE." President George W. Bush: Got it! Bill Clinton: So, how’d you get here anyway? President George W. Bush: Oh! [Chuckles.] Very simple. First, I ran. [Bill Clinton waits for the second sentence, but doesn’t get one.] Bill Clinton: And? President George W. Bush: [Confused.] And, ...what? Bill Clinton: You said first. President George W. Bush: So? Bill Clinton: [Sighs.] Never mind. [Pauses.] Would you like to meditate? President George W. Bush: Oh! You mean like they do on "Kung Fu"?! Bill Clinton: Yeah. President George W. Bush: Yeah! Bill Clinton: OK. Just cross your legs. President George W. Bush: [Hopefully looking with a smile.] Kinda like the Comprendanche Indians around the fire smoking their peace pipes? Bill Clinton: [With an irritated look on his face, he try’s to humor Mr. Bush.] Yes Mr. President. [Takes a breath.] OK. NOW try to cross your legs. President George W. Bush: [overexcited] OK. [Mr. Bush does all weird, demented twists and turns with his legs until he gets it right.] Bill Clinton: Now, make noises that makes you feel good. That relieve you. [Falls into a trance breathing whispering noises. Bill falls asleep.] [Mr. Bush farts loudly, scares Bill. Bill gives Mr. Bush an annoyed look. Mr. Bush looks relived. Bill goes back in a trance, so does Mr. Bush.] [Mr. Bush opens an eye making sure Bill is asleep. Mr. Bush quietly opens his pocket, gets out important "garbage" like a plan to spy on Russia, discards it. Then gets a Roswell Area 51 booklet on the truth only the President should know, discards it. Then reaches for an "Archie" comic which he retrieves and starts to read with a smile.] [Mr. Bush stops reading with a squint on his face. Bill is snoring but Mr. Bush wakes him up anyway.] President George W. Bush: Hey, what does that say? Bill Clinton: You can’t read that? Ha! It’s easy! It says, "Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night Live!" Rate or review this sketch. |
