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Director ... Colin Mochrie Assistant ... Horatio Sanz Rain Man ... Chris Parnell Rick Sapphire ... Will Ferrell Jenni Juggs ... Tina Fey [Scene opens on an adult movie set. Close-up on the director as he directs an intimate scene.] Director: [leaning forward and talking to the actors] Softer now. Softer. [pause] Look him in the eye. Here we go... [pause] Faster! Faster! Money shot! Money shot! We got it! Cut! That's a print! Assistant That's a wrap, people! Somebody clean off Tiffany! [commotion on the set as the crew cleans up] Director: Great, only one more scene left. Oh, do I love when things go smoothly around here. What do we have for this one? Assistant: [reading off the 4 page script] Pearl Harder: Scene 8. The Japanese warplanes have attacked, so three American Naval officers decide to have sex with each other. Director: Brilliant! Historical, patriotic, and a three-way to boot! Who comes up with this stuff? Who are we filming? Assistant: Jenni Juggs, Rick Sapphire and Raymond Babbitt. Director: Raymond WHO? Assistant: I don't know him, he must be new. [shouting] IS THERE A RAYMOND BABBITT HERE? [Looking over, they see a strange looking man talking to himself and rocking back and forth on his feet] Director: Are you Raymond Babbitt? Rain Man: [nervously] I don't know. Director: You don't know if you're Raymond Babbitt? Rain Man: Of course, it's Raymond RANDALL Babbitt. Director: [looking him over] Son, that is the worst porn name I have ever heard. Is that your real name? Rain Man: Raymond Randall Babbitt. Named after Randall Gregory Babbitt, born in 1843, son of... Director: [cutting him off] Okay, whatever! Raymond Babbitt. You ever acted in porn before, son? Rain Man: ..son of Horace Wilson Babbitt, born on June 13th, 1821, 5 feet tall, 145 pounds. Lived in a .... Assistant: [cutting him off] It says here he has made over 20 adult films. He had top billing in two films, There's Something Inside Mary and Bridget Jones's Derriere. Director: I've seen that. [nodding] It's a good picture. Ok, Raymond, go on over and set yourself for this scene. Rain Man: [still reeling off his family history] Then there's Olaf Chester Babbitt, lived in Vermont, South Dakota, definitely died on April 3rd, 1856. He was a carpenter. Director: [annoyed] RAYMOND! ON THE SET! [Raymond walks over to the movie set, which is a replica of a Naval battleship. A prop officer's cap is placed on his head. Flamboyant porn star Rick Sapphire walks over to meet him. He is shirtless, wearing only a neck scarf and a huge gold medallion. He also has a traditional "porn star" giant mustache. Will Ferrell plays him completely over the top.] Rick Sapphire: Ahh, a fellow acteur. Welcome to the deck of the Good Ship Poontang, my friend. [reaches to shake Raymond's hand] Rain Man: [flinches when his hand is touched] Uh oh. V-E-R-N, Vern. [visibly nervous] Of course, who's on first. Who? The guy on first. That's the guy's name. Who? Assistant: [reading Raymond's contract] It says in his contract that you can't touch him! Sapphire, get away from him!! Rick Sapphire: He's flipping out! Look at him go! [Rain Man continues reciting "Who's on First" as he paces nervously] Director: [aside to assistant] Wait a second. If we can't touch him, how the hell do we film this scene? Assistant: [reading a memo] Apparently he can only be touched below the waist. [Looks up at director. Pauses. Shrugs helplessly] I guess that's why he's working in porn. Director: [exasperated] Oh dear God. We have a prima donna on our hands. Just my luck to get the Ken Griffey Jr. of porn. [to the actors] Let's get this rolling, people! Jenni, you ready? [Jenni Juggs enters the scene. She looks exactly the same as every female porn star ever. She is wearing a skintight Navy uniform showing huge amounts of cleavage] Jenni Juggs: Let's roll. Is this Raymond guy clean? Director: [Ignoring her] Ok, here's the setting. Pearl Harder, Scene 8. You are three Naval Officers on deck the USS Nympho. The Japanese warplanes have attacked. Follow the script as best you can. Annnnnnd action! Rick Sapphire: [Looking offscreen in horror and overacting horribly] Oh my God, warplanes. A lot of good seamen are going to die today. Jenni Juggs: [Reciting her line completely lifelessly] I can think of some seamen I could use down here. [She lays down on the deck as the background porn music starts playing. Raymond walks over and lays on top of her wordlessly] Director: Cut! Raymond, get off her! Say your line first. Your line! Annnnnnd action! Rain Man: Of course, I have to be back at Wallbrook at 4:00, Tuesday is fish stick night. I'm definitely going to miss Jeopardy. Director: [angry] CUT!!! No improvising, Raymond! Follow the script! Annnnnd action! Rain Man: Then we're going to see my brother, Charlie Babbitt. My main man, Charlie. We buy underwear at K-Mart, on 480 Oak Street. [Rick Sapphire and Jenni Juggs look over at the director, silently asking for help here] Director: [waving his hands at them to keep the scene going] We'll loop the dialogue later, just improvise! Jenni Juggs: [struggling to put a sentence together] Down here. K-Mart. Seamen. Let us do it. Rick Sapphire: [panicking like a deer in headlights] I can't improvise! I'm a porn star! Director: CUT!!!! Ok, enough exposition. Move on to the sex. Jenni, get into the 69 position. Rain Man: [Interrupting] Of course, 69 is definitely the square root of 4761. 4761 is the square root of 22667121. The square root of 69 is exactly 8.3066238.... Director: Yes, Raymond, now straddle her. Rain Man: [continuing] 6291807485... Director: [tossing his hands up in the air] I can't take this! Enough! Rain Man: [still going in the background] 25842627... Director: Ok, forget the sixty... the NUMBER position and move on to the final scene. Assistant: [reading loudly off the script] Pearl Harder: Scene 9. In celebration of fighting off the attack, three Naval officer celebrate by having sex. Director: There's your motivation. Follow the script. Annnnnd action! [Jenni Juggs kneels in front of a standing Rick Sapphire, with her bottom aimed towards Raymond Babbitt] Jenni Juggs: I can't believe so many good men went down today. Rick Sapphire: [looking down at her] How about you go down on this good man? [The 70's porn music starts up again] [Raymond stands silently behind her. The director motions to him to join the action.] Rain Man:: Of course, that's definitely the wrong end, I'm definitely supposed to be in front of her. Director: [talking slowly, like to a child] Raymond, this is a backdoor scene. I end all my films with a caboose shot. That is my trademark. That is why I am the Steven Spielberg of porn. Now get moving and finish her off. Rain Man: Is she taking any prescription medication? Jenni Juggs: The hell? Rain Man: [very nervous] Of course, she is supposed to be naked before I take off my pants. Uh oh. She still has her clothes on. V-E-R-N. Director: [exasperated] Let's go Raymond. Whip it out. Annnnnd action! Rain Man: That is definitely the wrong hole. V-E-R-N. Who's on first? Who? The guy on first? That's the guy's name... [Starts reciting "Who's on First" again and rocking.] [The enraged director grabs his chair and tries to attack Raymond. He is wrestled to the ground by his assistant. The scene ends in chaos as Raymond calmly rocks back and forth, talking to himself.] Rate or review this sketch. |
