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Reid Marcinyshyn.....Chris Parnell Announcer.....Don Pardo .....Tracy Morgan .....Gail Matthius .....Charles Rocket .....Tim Kazurinsky .....Gilbert Gottfried .....Adam Sandler [ Spokesman sits on a sofa ] Spokesman: If you like this show, then you’re one of a few million who do! However, you eat, sleep, and breathe SNL. You’re not one of those trendy queers who watches MadTV until 11:30, then switches between that and SNL until midnight. I’m talking about the dedicated, fed-up viewer. You want those reruns! Andrew Dice Clay, Robert Downey Jr., Nancy Kerrigan, Bob Saget, Justine Bateman... the list goes on and on. Hi, I’m Reid Marcinyshyn for Broadway Video. We’re happy to brings you a brand new cable network to quench your thirst for SNL! [ product shot of SNL Network, with various classic clips past and present ] Announcer: It’s the SNL Network! Complete, 90-minute, unbutchered, uncensored episodes, without commercial interruption. Every show is available. That’s right, over 500 episodes in all! [ cut to interview with Tracy Morgan ] Tracy Morgan: I was tryin’ to catch the classic Richard Pryor show, but I had to beg Comedy Central to re-air it, and had to fight wit’ those assholes for three years until I finally saw it at 2 AM. It was ridiculous, but it worth it, Richard Pryor da man, that show was off da hook, ki-i-i-i-d! [ makes "raise the roof" motions with hands ] Spokesman: That’s right, from every season. Even the ones that sucked. [cut to interview with 80-81 Alumni Charles Rocket and Gail Matthius] Gail Matthius: Hi, I’m Gail Matthius. Charles Rocket: And I’m Charles Rocket. We did Weekend Update back in 1980, and it sucked donkey balls. Gail Matthius: Yeah, big ripe ones. Charles Rocket: I could say that I really f***ed up! Gail Matthius: Yeah, that night you were sh** faced. Completely f***ed up. That’s why you got fired and went on to make crappy movies. Charles Rocket: Precisely, Gail. Spokesman: As you can see, Saturday Night Live alumni who never see their episodes on TV anymore are rejoicing upon hearing about the SNL Network. Just ask Tim Kazurinsky. [ cut to interview with Tim Kazurinsky ] Tim Kazurinsky: I wasn’t a main attraction on the show in the early 80s, that’s why I’d love to see my image on a TV screen again, since I’ve actually never been on one after 1997, when Comedy Central stopped showing any episodes that I was in. I don’t have to wait for those Comedy Central ass-clowns to show me again! [ Gilbert Gottfried unexpectedly interrupts interview ] Gilbert Gottfried: (annoying voice) Hello, Timmy! What’s going on? Tim Kazurinsky: (sighs in disgust) Speaking of ass clowns... What the f*** are you doing here? Gilbert Gottfried: Nothing, Timster, just popping in and annoying the hell out of people. Tim Kazurinsky: Yeah, drop dead and go back to Hollywood Squares. Spokesman: Those cast members were never popular. (Show insets of Rocket, Matthius, Gottfired, Kazurinsky, and then show Tracy Morgan in the middle). And some will never be. So imagine what a big popular SNL Alumnus would have to say about our new channel! [ cut to a brief interview with Adam Sandler ] Adam Sandler: (looking straight into the camera): IT SUCKS SH*T !!! Spokesman: Whoopsie-doodles, we were supposed to take that one out. Anyway, order the SNL Network today! If you have DirecTV, you can get SNL Network for free! So sign up now! Announcer: The SNL Network. It doesn’t suck sh**. [end] Rate or review this sketch. |
