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Clive Anderson.....Clive Anderson Wayne Brady.....Jerry Minor .....Colin Mochrie .....Ryan Stiles (cameo) Greg Proops.....Chris Parnell Dirty Whore.....Ana Gasteyer [ British Whose Line VTR rolls; audience applauds ] Clive Anderson: Yes, yes. welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway. That's the last game we'll be playing tonight, and totaling out the points I see that tonight's joint winners are. Wayne Brady and Colin Mochrie! Congratulations, the prize for winning is reading the credits in the style of my choosing, and this time Wayne will be a telemarketer and Colin will be the frustrated person on the other line. It just remains for me to thank Greg Proops, Wayne Brady, Colin Mochrie, and Ryan Stiles, this is me, Clive Anderson, saying goodnight. Goodnight! [ music plays; credits start to roll as Colin and Wayne read them ] Wayne Brady: Hello, this is Wayne Brady from Richard Vranch Window Cleaning Service! Now, Denise O'Donoghue told me you were interested in switching your long-distance, your health care and auto insurance, and your window cleaning service to our company! Colin Mochrie: Sorry, I'm not interest- Wayne Brady: We also offer coverage under Mykola Pawluk's special "Andrew Croydon" Umbrella plan. At only 40 bazillion dollars per hour. Colin Mochrie: Damn you, Dan Patterson! [ end of show; audience starts to leave. The cast walks offstage into a dressing room ] Colin Mochrie: Hey, great show, gang, Wayne, Ryan! Ryan Stiles: Whatever, baldy. Colin Mochrie: (not amused) OK. Hey Wayne, are you staying for the after-show party we're having here? Wayne Brady: No dice, man, I've gotta do a promotion for the release of "Geppetto" on video with Drew Carey, my flight leaves out of Heathrow in an hour! Colin Mochrie: OK, good luck Wayne! (Wayne leaves) Ryan Stiles: Hey Greg, have you arranged for the hookers? Greg Proops: Yeah they should be here any minute now. Ryan Stiles: You know, I love those British hookers. Colin Mochrie: Are you kidding? Ryan Stiles: (starting a game of "Questions Only") Come on, don't you like limey limes? Colin Mochrie: Yuck, aren't most of the British whores in this town older than 50 years old? Ryan Stiles: How would you know? Greg Proops: (interrupting) How did you know that I know? Ryan Stiles: Are you kidding? Greg Proops: Come on, why would I not be kidding? Ryan Stiles: Are they here now? Greg Proops: Do you see them? Ryan Stiles: Well. no. I. (buzzer noise sounds from out of nowhere; Ryan cracks up, leaves room) Colin Mochrie: How can you stand those old British whores? Greg Proops: Don't their accents turn you on? Colin Mochrie: How perverted are you? Greg Proops: Can I give you a demonstration? Colin Mochrie: Are you out of your mind? Greg Proops: Doesn't age mean experience and competence in the job field nowadays? Colin Mochrie: No. I. (buzzer sounds) Dammit! You always win that game! Greg Proops: Ha ha, who's the king now? (Dirty Whore enters the room) Dirty Whore: Hey there, naughty Yank! Greg Proops: Hey, Colin, meet Marjorie Mouth, my new mistress. Colin Mochrie: I can't believe you, Greg, how low have you gone? Greg Proops: (starting a game of Alphabet) Just you wait until she gets you in the sack, cue ball. Dirty Whore: K. B. Crimeny, I can't wait to get my mouth around your--- Colin Mochrie: Limey whores are not in my taste, and what the hell does K.B. Crimeny mean? Dirty Whore: My word, Greg, your companion is stirring up quite a row. Greg Proops: No, don't be silly, Margie. Colin Mochrie: Oh good lord, just stop the insanity Greg, I thought I knew you. Greg Proops: Pish Posh! Colin Mochrie: I. um. dammit! (buzzer sounds). I suck at Alphabet! Greg Proops: Yeah, I'm glad I didn't have to do "Q". Colin Mochrie: You get all the easy letters! Greg Proops: Yeah, I do. Well, it looks like Marjorie is ready to operate. Have fun you two! (leaves) Dirty Whore: (seductively walks over to Colin and starts feeling him) You wanna play Whose Line is It Anyway? Colin Mochrie: Um. no, I must insist, you see. (pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket and reads it) "When I was young, my father told me never to put my finger in the cookie jar if there were cockroaches crawling around down there." Dirty Whore: (confused) Um. well, I don't know exactly what sort of rubbish that was. I'm sure it's just nonsensical Yankee-talk. You know. (reaches in her underpants and pulls out a piece of paper and reads it) "How about you dock your Titanic in Pier 69 so you can unload your cargo?" Colin Mochrie: Um, no thanks, that boat sunk as soon as it saw the dock! (Dirty Whore is not amused) Yeah... well, my father was a wise man, and he told me one time. (pulls out a piece of paper from his pocket and reads it) "Colin, one thing in life you should never do is screw a sixty-year-old British whore with saggy coconuts." (looks up at Dirty Whore's face, and then down at her chest, and at her face again) Oh, I guess that means you. Dirty Whore: (slaps Colin) You Yankee pig! (leaves) Colin Mochrie: (whispering and looking up to the ceiling) Thank you, God! [ end sketch ] Rate or review this sketch. |
