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Therapist ... Tom Cruise Francis ... Chris Parnell Billy ... Jimmy Fallon Balthazar ... Will Ferrell Ilsa ... Rachel Dratch Wayne/Hedimeer ... Horatio Sanz Stacy ... Maya Rudolph [Scene opens in a classroom. 6 people are sitting in a circle, all in folding chairs. Some of them are wearing medieval costumes. One carries a sword. A therapist is leading the group in discussion.] Therapist: Welcome, everyone, back to the Dungeons and Dragons rehab class. It's good to see you all again. [nods to a man in an ornate robe and hat] Balthazar, it's good to see you out of the psychiatric ward again. We have a surprise this week, a new member is joining the group. [motions towards Horatio's character] Please stand up and introduce yourself. Wayne: [stands up, speaks a little awkwardly] Hello. My name is Hedimeer, and I'm 14th level paladin from the Forest of Olm. Huzzah. [There is scattered applause from the rest of the group] Therapist: [grimly] Hedimeer, I know that's not your real name. Can you please tell us your real name. [pause] It's okay, you are among friends. Wayne: [hanging his head] My name's Wayne. I live at home with my mom. I'm 34. [More scattered applause] Therapist: Wayne, the purpose of our group here is to transition Dungeons and Dragons addicts back into society. I am here to help you mainstream back into jobs, into dating, back into life. Are you ready to take that step? Wayne: I... I don't know. [pause] I'm scared. Therapist: We are all a little scared, Wayne. Take Francis, for example. [Motions towards a nerdy little man wearing a giant necklace]. He is doing quite well with his new job, but he still wears his Amulet of Protection. It helps him feel safe. Francis: It's a +2 amulet. [Group oohs and aahs] Billy: What did you kill to get it? Balthazar: Can it stop fire? Therapist: [quickly cutting them off] Remember our motto, people. The only magic here is in the power of your heart. Francis's amulet protects him because it helps him feel safe. Like Ilsa with her sword. [motions towards a most unattractive woman wearing a cape and helmet. She has a sword.] She knows she can't use it, but she likes having it nearby. Ilsa: They won't let me bring it to work anymore. They told me it scared the customers from buying Happy Meals. Therapist: I'm sorry to hear that, Ilsa. Ilsa: Oh, but it's okay, because I made myself invisible and now he can't see me. [Group bursts into applause] Therapist: [a little annoyed] Remember, people, you are not supposed to encourage Ilsa to turn herself invisible. Ilsa, I can see you very well. Balthazar: [He wears a full wizard's robe and hat. He is quite obviously insane. He speaks in a very high pitched whine] That's because you're an elf! You have infravision! [The group murmurs its agreement] Therapist: [trying to maintain his smile] Balthazar, I have told you many times I am a simple human, like yourself. We are all humans. There are no elves here. Balthazar: Then how did you get infravision? Francis: Evil, he is evil!! [clutches his amulet protectively] Billy: Are you a doppelganger? Did you shift shapes? Therapist: What? No! Calm down, everyone. [Balthazar starts chanting and trying to cast a spell] Therapist: DAMNIT, BALTHAZAR! NO FIREBALL SPELLS! Wayne: [uncomfortably] Um, as a paladin in good standing I cannot be in the presence of evil. I'm gonna have to leave. Therapist: ENOUGH! Wayne, I am not evil. I am a therapist. I am here to help you. I am one of the good guys. And Balthazar, your magic will not work here! We have gone over this. Balthazar: [looking around] What manner of place is this that can stop the chanted word? Therapist: [ignoring him] I have a surprise for all of you today. Today we are working on social interaction. And I have brought my girlfriend to visit the class. You will get a chance to talk to your first ever female. Billy: Isn't Ilsa a female? Therapist: Well, no, not really. This is a normal human female. Men like you go on dates with them all the time. Well, okay, maybe not men EXACTLY like you. [A door opens and out walks Stacy. She is beautiful and very friendly looking.] Stacy: Hello, everybody. [The room is in silence. No one in the group knows what to say to a girl] Francis: [after a long pause] How many hit dice does she have? Therapist: [confused] Hit dice? What? Ilsa: I think she has 2d4. [All the group members reach into their pockets for their customized dice pouches] Therapist: Wait a minute, I took away all your dice last week! Francis: But you didn't take away my pouch of holding. It can regenerate its contents. [Entire group laughs at the folly of the therapist] Stacy: [A little wary] What's going on? Francis: What's her Thaco? Ilsa: Can she be killed by non-magical weapons? Balthazar: That outfit can afford her no better than an armor class of 8! [chuckle] Wayne: Is she a druid? Billy: She might be a doppelganger. Therapist: [realizes he has lost control] No, no, people. You are supposed to speak TO her. Talk to her, have a conversation. And Billy, no one in this room is a doppelganger. No one can shift shapes! I promise you. [The 5 group members huddle in a circle and confer. Balthazar is gesturing wildly. After a few seconds, Francis emerges from the huddle and speaks. He is clutching his amulet protectively.] Francis: [new at this] Hello, ma'am. Stacy: [smiling] Hello. Francis: We would be very much honored if you would join our party. We have great need of a valkyrie amongst us. Stacy: [a little confused] Well, ok, that would be fun! Ilsa: [excitedly to therapist] Francis has an 18 charisma! Look at him go! [Suddenly a scream is heard from Stacy. She falls to the floor, a crossbow bolt sticking from her chest.] Therapist: What the hell?? Billy: [holding a crossbow] I killed her! She's a doppelganger! She is going to devour our souls! Therapist: [freaking out] You shot my girlfriend! Balthazar: [seeing that Stacy is still alive] Look, she can't be killed by normal weapons! She is enchanted! Does anyone have a silver dagger? Stacy: [her voice suddenly turning dark and sinister] Now you will feel my dark wrath, underlings! Prepare to taste the foul stench of evil! [Stacy rises up to strike at the therapist when suddenly she disappears. A horrified wail is heard from where she used to be] Therapist: [completely overwhelmed] What the HELL just happened?? Wayne: I'm a holy man. I negated her. She ceases to exist in this plane. Billy: [as if the therapist should know this] Duh. She was a shape-shifter. Francis: Dur-hay. Therapist: [quiet for a few seconds as he takes this in] Well, um....er.... ah... thanks. Good job, Wayne. Wayne: It's Hedimeer. Therapist: [wrapping this up quickly] Good class, everyone. See you all next week. [He packs his bag quickly and rushes out the door to get away from them.] [Scene ends] Rate or review this sketch. |
