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Pancho Rivera.....Horatio Sanz Ricardo.....Ricky Martin Sheila.....Rachel Dracth Love Sync Choker voice.....Tina Fey [Start with Ho Shopping Channel music and logo then fade into Shopping Channel like setup] Pancho Rivera: Hello and welcome to the Ho Shopping Channel, where you can find yourself a ho and so much mo. Ha ha, good evening everyone, I'm your host Pancho Rivera. Today we have some amazing and I mean [leans into camera] ahhhmazing [backs off] deals for you so let's not waste any time and move to our first item this evening. [Camera follows Pancho as he walks over to where Ricardo is standing] Pancho Rivera: Yeah well here we have our first ho, Ricardo. Say hello Ricardo. Ricardo: [obviously reading off cue cards] Hello, my name is Ricardo. Pancho Rivera: Yeah that's right and Ricardo is 100% Latino stud. Whether you're female, male or in between surgeries, Ricardo's got the stuff to please you. Isn't that right [camera move again] Ricahhhhhrdo? [Ricardo looks confused. Pancho points to cue cards off screen.] Ricardo: Hello, my name is Ricardo...[Pancho points again] Yes! Pancho Rivera: That's right but you better call now. What are we up to...we've already had 800 orders and I'm afraid we have a 1000 order limit. After that and Ricardo needs a break. I mean for goodness sakes he's not a machine! Am I right Ricardo? Ricardo: [confidently now] Hello, my name is Ricardo. Yes. Pancho Rivera: Ahh Ricahhhrdo. And remember, you only have to wait 6 to 8 weeks for delivery. Guaranteed! And we know you'll be satisfied. And I mean sahhhhtisfied. Okay, so now we're gonna move on to our next item. [Camera leaves Ricardo and follows Pancho over to where Sheila is standing.] Here we have Sheila. A little something for you educated types who like to talk to your ho's. Sheila is one educated ho, isn't that right Sheilahhh? Shiela: I have a Major in Psychology. Pancho Rivera: And I understand that's not all. Shiela: Huh? Oh yeah, and [reading from cue cards] a Ph.d in turning you on! Pancho Rivera: Ha ha, and she's not kidding folks I know that for a fact. She did her thesis on me, hah hah and I mean on me! Ha ha. Shiela: What's a thesis? Pancho Rivera: Did I ask you a question? Shiela: No. Pancho Rivera: Then why are you talking? Shiela: I...I'm sorry. Pancho Rivera: Just forget it. Now go stand over there by Ricardo. [exit Sheila] Okay folks, we'll just move on to...hey I said stand next to him not get on him! Get over here! [enter Sheila fixing her hair and dress] Shiela: [sheepishly] Sorry, I thought we were filming. Pancho Rivera: [sighs] Anyways folks, that price you see on the screen...half it. Now for a change of pace we're gonna move our focus to Ho accessories. [Camera leaves Sheila but stays with Pancho as it pans to the Ho accessories table.] Whether you're a ho, a pimp or simply a pervert, we're sure to have something that will suit your needs. First up is something that every ho should have. It's a special calculator made especially for hos. It's called the Ho Calculator. Now let me... [Enter Sheila] Shiela: [looking into camera] Uhhh, why not call it a Hoculator or like maybe a Calculho? Don't you think that would be catchier?[big smile] Pancho Rivera: What the hell is wrong with you? Go back over there. [Exit Sheila] I tell ya, that education can ruin even the best of hos. Anyways, what we have here is something I'm calling [looks off camera towards Sheila] the Ho Calculator! Let me show you how it works. Okay first of all you select your Ho grade. In this case we'll say I'm a $200.00/hr ho, hey I don't come cheap ha ha, and so we enter that in...and now we enter the time...say two hours...alright and say it was a couple...then say you have a group discount...of course there's the kinky tax...and then I'll just press 'Compute'. Ho Calculator: [computer like voice] Collect $650.00. Keep $50.00. Give the rest to your pimp. Have a nice day. Pancho Rivera: Ha ha, so what do you think about that. All you pimps out there, how many times has your ho come back shortchanged and confused? This takes out all the guess work. Believe me, this puppy will pay for itself within a week. And we now have, get this, the Deluxe Ho Calculator. That's right, it has all the computing power of the Ho Calculator but with many new features. We don't have much time for this item but I'll show you just one of my favorite features. Let me just add in all the figures here again...okay watch this. Deluxe Ho Calculator: Collect $650.00. Keep $50.00. Give the rest to your pimp b****, or I'll cut you. [small blade pops out of side of calculator. 'Inspired' by Conan's Pimpbot, send angry letters to him.] Pancho Rivera: Ha ha, I love that feature. Whether it's the Original Ho Calculator or the new Deluxe Ho Calculator, you need to have a Ho Calculator. I think I can honestly say it's a must have... [Enter Sheila] Shiela: Uhh, just for the record, I uh figured that out before the Ho Calculator even said anything. Pancho Rivera: That's it, could somebody get her out of here. Honestly I can't work like this. [Enter Ricardo smiling to the camera as he exits with Sheila] Ha ha, you gotta love live television. Actually as if that wasn't enough we have a great new item here tonight. It's called the Love Sync choker. That's right, it looks like an ordinary choker, a sexy accessory for hos and non-hos alike. The difference is that in behind here, we have a state of the art speaker that is triggered when you put pressure on it. Allow me to demonstrate. Alright ladies, it's late, you're tired but you still have time for one more John or maybe your husband is 'in the mood' again. Well all you have to do is sit back and go through the motions while this little puppy takes care of all the emotions. [Pancho reaches behind his neck and begins to lip sync.] Love Sync Choker Voice: [Sexy Tina Fey voice] Yesss. Oh yess...DAMMIT! YESSSSSS! Pancho Rivera: Ha ha, come on ladies. Don't delay, get on the phone now. I'm not sure how many we have in stock but I'm pretty sure we're probably almost sold out so don't delay...but you're asking yourself...do I really need this... [Pancho reaches behind his neck and begins to overact and lip sync.] Love Sync Choker Voice: Yesss. Oh yess...DAMMIT! YESSSSSS! Pancho Rivera: As a matter of fact this is the exact same technology used by the band N'sync. [Pancho reaches behind his neck and points outwards with other hand.] Love Sync Choker Voice: [N'Sync sound] BABY BYE BYE BYE. Pancho Rivera: Ha ha, but I have to say it's not only for Ho's. Maybe some of you out there are looking for a gift to give that special inflatable woman in your life...well is this product what u're looking for? [Pancho reaches behind his neck and begins to overact and lip sync with gusto.] Love Sync Choker Voice: Yesss. Oh yess...DAMMIT! YESSSSSS Pancho Rivera: Okay, now on to our last item for the evening. Now I don't have to tell you but there is something special about a new ho. They look a certain way, they act a certain way but more importantly they smell a certain way. Up until now u could dress like a new ho and act like a new ho but u still smelled like a stinky old ho. You weren't fooling anybody! Ha ha, but don't worry our next product is all about making old hos feel young again. It's called New Ho Eau de Toilet. That's right, whether it's your first time or your ten thousandth time you can always have that new ho smell. Come over here Sheila. [Enter Sheila smiling at camera. Pancho sniffs at her.] Oh man, that is one old ho. [Sheila's smile now looks fake.] Now I'll just spray on some of this New Ho Eau de Toilet and[Pancho sniffs at Sheila]...uhhh, I better try a little more...[sprays until a mist covers Sheila]...there we go. Shiela: [coughs] I think I'm having trouble breathing...[coughs] Pancho Rivera: [bends over and smells her midsection] Ahhh, that's new ho fresh! [stands upright again] How about you see me after the show. [Sheila stops coughing, eyes light up and she starts to stare at Pancho.] Alright, well I guess that's about all the time we have on this segment so we'll take a short break and then be right back with...Dr Ho! Well with a name like that you know he came to the right place to sell his product, ha ha ha. And what a product! I had that puppy hooked up this morning and [looks downwards] Wow, it's still twitching! So stay tuned ha ha ha. [Music starts to play. Sheila looks at Pancho, her eyes filled with a passion from a love that cannot be denied. Sheila jumps on Pancho] Hey get off of me you crazy... [cut to Ho Shopping Channel music and logo then fade to commercial with Wycleaf Jean's 'Perfect Gentlemen'.] Rate or review this sketch. |
