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George W. Bush.....Will Ferrell Dick Cheney.....Darrell Hammond Secret Service Agent #1.....Jimmy Fallon Secret Service Agent #2.....Rachel Dratch Announcer: We interrupt this program for a special report. [Oval Office symbol appears.] [George W. Bush sits at his desk, in pajamas. A teddy bear is perched on the desk beside him.] George W. Bush: My fellow Americans. As many of you already know, we, our country, our world, is tonight in deep ka-ka. Aliens in flying saucers have just destructed Los Angeles and another big city, kinda grimy, maybe Chicago. Now, this is no time for panic. It's not like we needed those two cities that much: hell, we got plenty more! Besides, I got inside knowledge that Jeff Goldblum is on his way to the White House right now with all the information we'll need to save the day. While we wait, though, it might be time to thank the good Lord for all them NRA members who've worked long and hard to make us ready for sumthin like this. [waves an à AK-47 wildly.] Cop-killer bullets? Hell, no, these're ET-killers! Come an' get some, you bee-atches! Yeee-haw!!! [Two secret service agents and Dick Cheney (in a bathrobe) enter.] George W. Bush: Ain'cha glad there's a Republican in the White House now!?! We're gonna fight Ôem in the streets, we're gonna fight Ôem on the beaches, we're gonna fight Ôem in those mini-marts where you pay for your gas and buy your scratch tickets!! Dick Cheney: Mr. President? George W. Bush: Dick! Secret Service #1: (giggles) He said dick! George W. Bush: Grab a gun, we've got plenty! Secret Service #1: (snickers again) He wants him to grab his gun! Heh, heh-heh, heh... Cheney (to agent) You're on the wrong network, son. (to GW) George, there's been a little mistake. There aren't any aliens. George W. Bush: What? But I saw them! On the tv! Dick Cheney: It was a movie, Mr. President. "Independence Day"? With Will Smith? You own the action figures. George W. Bush: I thought it was a coincidence... Dick Cheney: Now give the nice man your gun and go on back to bed. [George W. does so, sulkily, and goes off with Agent #1. Cheney sits down on the edge of the desk heavily and lights up.] Dick Cheney: Third time this week. Secret Service Agent #2: Are you sure we shouldn't take away his bullets, Sir? He could really hurt someone. Dick Cheney: Have you ever seen Dubya try to load a gun? S'like watching him eat with his feet. The only danger's if he manages to stick a bullet up his nose. Secret Service Agent #1: (re-entering) All clear. He's tucked back in bed; I popped a cartoon in. Looks safe enough. Dick Cheney: Good, good. (hesitates). Which cartoon? Secret Service Agent #1: I dunno..."Park" something. Dick Cheney: Hmm. Well, how much harm can it........."South Park"!!? My god, no!! [As the three race out of the room, "Blame Canada" can be heard.] Rate or review this sketch. |
